Between the Lines

11.

 You stormed into your house with a boiling anger inside. You let out a scream and fell on your knees. Why he had to be such a jerk? Why did he have to remind you that you were never meant to be?

You went there for him, only for him. You were worried about him, your heart was breaking into thousands and thousands of a little pieces every time you thought of him being hurt. But it seemed he didn't need your worry. Probably he thought of you as of an annoying pest. Perhaps that's why you didn't hear a word from him for such a long time.

He must've been tried from all your nagging. Hindrance, obstacle, plaything. That was perhaps all what he thought of you. You thought you knew him. That you could distinguish genuine smiles form a fake ones. That his threats towards you were empty words. That under this façade he still cared. You thought you could read him. But now you weren't so sure anymore. That part of yourself was shred into pieces. Were you really living in some kind of fantasy? An illusion? Were you this stupid?

You hit a wall with your hand and winced. Blood stained white bandages. Pain shot through your left hand and you wailed harder. Red liquid ran down your hand and onto the floor. You unwrapped the bandages and looked at your wound. It was a reminder. Reminder that all that happened last night was your fault. Reminder that you've been betrayed by the same person three times. Reminder that wherever you went you only brought a disaster.

In your father's house you were unwanted child, they preferred the boy, and your mother couldn't give them one. In Kyoto, the only reason your dearest friend was dead, was you. Now, something happened to Okita. You knew it. And you knew it was something bad, you saw it in his eyes. It didn't matter that he said it wasn't for you. No, it happened all because of you. Because you were born. Because no matter how much you searched you couldn't find a place to call home.

You didn't know how long you spent crying on the floor. The down came. It seemed that the weather mirrored your inner thoughts. Clouded, stormy, rainy. You stood up and decided to clean the blood. The wound still hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain you felt inside. You moped around the house lifeless. You decided to do something to get your thoughts off the whole incident.

You started to cook. You ignored pain in your left hand and worked on some sweets. Only then you remembered that probably you'd never be able to have friendly spat with Okita anymore. He won't come by and steal some sweets. You won't hear his remarks. You won't see amusement flickering in his eyes. You won't roll eyes at his antics or get embarrassed by his teasing.

You stood on the road, in the direction in which he used to came from. And you realized that he won't appear there anymore.
Your tears mixed with the rain and you let your lifeless form fall on the knees.

***

He was moping around. And he knew it. Underneath wry smiles and crude jokes stood a glum man. He was transferred to the Corps, along with Heisuke. He became the Fury, white-haired monster. Even if his body healed from fight from Kaoru, and he was in better health, he felt like a wreck.

He drank the Water of life for Kondou. To be useful, to be his sword. This is where his loyalty laid and he was proud of it. Even if he had to became a monster, he did it and would do it again. Because he didn't want to be useless. He refused to die so easily. If he had to die, he would die with a sword in his hand. He would do that for Kondou. For the Shinsengumi. He gave himself to the organization and would never back down.