Behind Closed Doors (A Tayga Fanfiction)

Chapter 19

This house is so bloody dramatic I can't take it. I need a break from it all. Even if it's not for too long. I can't walk, Joey's angry, mom and dad are being awkward, Brianna's still a bitch even though she's not in my presence at the moment, I'm just really annoyed. Plus, so much of my ipecac stock is gone I don't know how long the remaining bottles will last. There were a ton in my drawer but it disappeared. But the stock under my bed is still there. I had taken one with me this morning and hid it in the couch after mom had carried me downstairs.
Dad and mom are talking in the kitchen and I pretend to still be asleep even though I woke up a few minutes ago. It's kind of quiet so I can't make out what they're saying. But then I hear dad saying he's gonna go for a walk and I hear mom's footsteps up the stairs. Once the front door shuts behind dad and Joey's bedroom door shuts behind mom I grab the bottle from inside the couch and hide it in my hoodie. I have a possible twenty minute window to leave, have my ipecac and come back. I fight to climb from my couch to my wheelchair which is pretty difficult and tiring, but I finally get in and wheel out quietly, close the door as gently as possible and speed out into the elevator. It's not too long before I find myself outside, wheeling into any random direction as fast as I can.
After my arms start getting tired from pushing these wheels around I find myself in the middle of Central Park. I look around me for a possibly quiet spot with no people around so I can just have a moment to myself. Finally, just a few feet away there's a spot by Central Park lake under a bridge. It's a little slippery but I make it down without getting hurt. It's so beautiful and peaceful. It's pure silence. I close my eyes and just take everything in. Deep breath in, deep breath out. My muscles begin to relax at the sound of the water under the ice and the the wind through the night sky. Slowly I take a few sips of ipecac at a time until I hear my newly recovered phone go off. Brand new number but Brianna has my school e-mail and continues to exploit it. I check the screen and low and behold an e-mail. From the devil herself.
'Why don't you keep your fucking fat mouth shut.'
- B
I have no idea what she's talking about but I don't even have time to think. It takes only a fraction of a second for me to process that message before I feel a blow to the back of the head and the front of my head hit the ice and then the water. The rest of my body joins in quickly afterwards. I struggle to reach the surface with these broken legs that won't move no matter how hard I try to kick with them. The casts are weighing me down. The only thing I have left is my arms. I start moving them as fast as I can, going against the resistance of the water. They are so sore I don't think I can keep swimming up anymore and I'm quickly running out of air. But finally I feel something I've wanted to feel for so long. Frozen, hard, ice. I grab onto it right away and hold on for dear life, pushing my body up to the surface. I look around and see a tall figure running away. I don't know who it is at first but then he turns around. Chase, Frankie's boyfriend. Frankie's in Brianna's clique. She's not as bad as Brianna but Chase is. He's a slave to the whole clique... and pretty much any good looking girl. He doesn't know that I saw him but he sees me holding onto the ice with my hands and elbows, trying to crawl out of the water.
I'm freezing my ass off. I may be hypothermic but I make it out of the water, getting a few cuts from the glass shards of the broken ipecac bottle in the meantime. And speaking of ipecac I feel some of it coming up. I'm relieved but I don't feel good at the same time. Especially with that blow to the head.
"AVA!" I hear my name being shouted. My eyes wander everywhere trying to figure out where it's coming from. It gets closer and closer and finally I see one of the last people I thought I'd see. My dad.
"Oh my God you're drenched what happened?" But before I can even get a word out I vomit my first couple of sips of ipecac and continue dry heaving like crazy. "Ohh..kay come on we're gonna get you out of here," he says, picking me up like a child.
"H-hit my h-head. H-hard," I stutter.
"Yeah well you're bleeding out the back of it we're gonna get you to a hospital."
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It takes an hour or two but we finally make it back home from the emergency room. Five stitches on the back of my head, brand new casts since mine got drenched in the lake, and half a box worth of bandages on my hands but no physical pain. I'm just frozen and tired, and vomiting on and off from that ipecac but I can at least get some sleep now. We've got a new wheelchair since mine was left at the park but dad wanted to carry me into the apartment because I'm so tired from everything that happened tonight. Peter, mom's bodyguard is bringing in the chair. Dad knows about the ipecac. They found it in my bloodstream and they know that's why I'm vomiting.
Dad holds me with one arm and sticks the key in the lock. Peter leaves the chair by the door and wishes me well before heading home. Once dad opens the front door I hear mom's quick footsteps running toward us. She immediately grabs me away from dad and holds me close to her like I'm an infant. I can feel her outpour of tears hitting my skin.
"Oh my God. My baby."
I'm still shaking from the cold but her arms around my body make me feel a little warmer so I cuddle into her. It's a nice minute of silence until mom looks me straight in the eye, tears still pouring out of her, running down her face with fury. She bursts out screaming.
"IPECAC AVA REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT?" It's kinda scary because I've never heard her yell like that before. Even dad's a little taken aback.
"Stef, not now," he says softly.
"NO WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS TOO MUCH THESE KIDS ARE KILLING ME!" She continues yelling and yelling both at me and dad and becoming hysterical. Not before long it turns into a fight between my parents and I find myself shaking even more. Less from the cold, more from fear. I stop listening to her and start crying and fighting against her grip to get out of her arms until I fall to the floor. That's when everything and everyone around me stops. Mom stops screaming and tries to help me up but I don't let her. I'd rather have dad right now. He brings me to the bathroom and makes me sit on the edge of the tub before running the hot water.
"Take a hot bath okay? It'll make you feel a little better. Don't worry about mom. She's just scared for you and your brother. I'll talk to her." I nod through my tears and dad hugs me before leaving the bathroom and closing the door behind him, leaving me with my thoughts. I wipe my face with the sleeve of my hoodie and slowly take it off, along with the rest of my clothes and carefully lower myself into the tub, leaving my legs swung over the ledge so the casts stay dry. I shut the water off and lay back, thinking about everything that happened tonight, how mom made me feel like shit for it all. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel what I feel just because it'll upset her or make her hysterical like it did tonight, and at the same time, I kind of remember my life in foster care, because right now I feel worse than I ever have in those four years. I grab my body wash and start spreading it everywhere while I hear mom and dad arguing.
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"Look Tay, do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I'm happy our kids are behaving like this," I ask him.
"I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY STEF BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THIS KIND OF SHIT IN FRONT OF THEM! DO YOU REALLY THINK OUR KIDS ARE GONNA FEEL ANY BETTER IF THEY HEAR YOU SAYING THAT THEY'LL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING PUT IN THE FUCKING GROUND? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"
"BECAUSE I'M FUCKING SCARED OKAY? HAS THAT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU? I'M SO FUCKING SCARED AND IT'S STRESSING ME OUT AND I CAN'T PUT UP WITH IT MUCH LONGER THIS IS KILLING ME!"
"I'M FUCKING SCARED TOO OKAY? HAS THAT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU?"
I stand in front of him a little surprised. And at the same time ashamed. I didn't mean to say what I did. I'm just always so worried about them every time they even set foot out that front door that now that all this stuff has happened, it intensifies my fear and makes it real. It confirms that there's reason for me to be afraid for them. Isn't that a mother's job? To protect her little ones and worry when they're not under her watch?
"Look, you had your outburst, it's over. You're scared and I understand that, and I'm scared too, but you've gotta channel it properly. You can't be freaking out at the kids and saying what you said. They're gonna feel bad for feeling what they're feeling. How are you gonna expect them to trust you after that?"
"Okay T, please stop talking about it I already feel like shit," I whisper to him through my tears. Tay wraps his arms around me and strokes my head as I cry into his shoulder.
"It's gonna be fine Stef. Just relax, we're gonna take care of this together okay?" I nod against his chest and just stay there for a while, trying to compose myself. It feels a lot better to have him by my side and when I feel ready to get back into things I take a deep breath and Tay leans in for a kiss. I cup his face in my hands and connect my lips to his.
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I don't hear exactly what mom and dad were saying so I just try to take in the heat from the water. I'm still a little scared and cold and shaky but I stay in my bath and get ready to start shampooing my hair. As I'm about to put the shampoo in my hands I hear a knock at the door. I'm 100% sure it's mom so I don't care to kick her out because I know I'll need help out of this tub anyway. I'm not gonna have dad do it. The door opens revealing my mother, as expected, in the doorway. Her eyes are bloodshot and swollen but she somehow seems calm.
"Hey," she says quietly, a small smile forms on her face.
"Hey," I answer back softly, with no expression what so ever.
"Fresh towels for when you're done. And I've got some clean clothes for you in the dryer." She puts the towels next to the tub.
"Thank-you," I mumble, putting the shampoo into my hair. I start massaging my scalp but I get scared when I get close to the back of my head, where the stitches are. How do I wash that part? I see mom smiling again.
"Here, I'll help you," she says, massaging my scalp gently around the stitches and even though I'm mad at her I just let her do it. "You want it to be dry for the first two days so just clean around it not on it. Don't wash your hair tomorrow, let the stitches keep dry," she says, massaging my head carefully. When she's done she takes the shower head."Bring your chin to your chest," she asks, and I listen. Mom brings all my hair forward and carefully rinses out the back of my head, avoiding the stitched area as much as possible before moving on to the rest of my hair. Once that's done she pats the area dry before wrapping up my long hair in a towel. I open the drain to empty the tub. As the water goes down mom puts one arm under my knees and wraps the other around my body, lifting me out of the bathtub and sits me down on the counter. I see the fear in her eyes when she realizes how bony I've become. I look down in shame at the thought of how ugly I am as she wraps a warm towel around my body to keep me from trembling, and I just cry softly. I feel her fingers on my chin, pulling my face upward to look at her.
"You're so beautiful. Don't ever forget that," she says, obviously picking up on my insecurity with my own body. But I push her hand away out of anger.
"Whatever," I whisper coldly. I hear her sigh.
"I didn't mean what I said before." But I just ignore her and remain heartbroken. Doesn't the truth always come out when you throw a shit fit like that? Why the hell did I ever let myself think she cared instead of listening to what everyone said? I'm just a charity case. "Ava. My sweet angel. I love you so much. I have loved you unconditionally since before I even laid eyes on you, and I want nothing more than to be able to protect you and make you happy. When I feel like I can't do that I get scared. I start to worry about you and Joey when you aren't around, I ask myself if you're safe, or if you're happy, if you need anything. That's my job. It's what a mom does. But that doesn't make you a burden, it makes you my daughter. I don't want you to ever be ashamed for feeling what you feel. I know I shouldn't have lost it with you like I did tonight. It's just when these things happen to you, it tells me that there's reason for me to worry. My biggest fears become real and... I'm so sorry." I continue crying as I hear her speak and suddenly hear her crying with me. She wraps her arms around my trembling body and rubs my shoulder from above the towel. I feel her lips pressing against the side of my head a few times while she holds me close to her chest for a couple of minutes until we hear a beep in the next room.
"I'll go get your clothes. Sit tight honey," she says before kissing my head and walking off to the laundry room.
I spend my time looking around the bathroom and then down at my casts but having my head down is starting to make me nauseous and I can't move because my legs are broken. I can't reach the toilet and the nausea is getting to me so much I vomit right onto the floor. I miss walking already. I just wish I was stronger. I wouldn't have let Brianna get to me that day and I wouldn't have done what I did. None of this would've happened. I wouldn't be this way. I wouldn't hurt myself or my family like I do now and I wouldn't be a mix of vomit and tears right now.
My mom rushes in and leaves my clothes on the counter. I continue dry heaving and sobbing, and I push her out of the way so I don't vomit on her. More piles up on the floor. She grabs my hair right away and rubs my back with her other hand. "It's okay sweet pea, you're gonna be okay," she coos.
"I'm sorry," I answer her. "I don't wanna be weak like this anymore." Mom looks at me for a second, kind of surprised.
"What are you talking about? Come here." She lifts me off the counter and sits me on her lap at the edge of the bathtub. "Why do you think you're weak?"
"It's just... I let people get to me. If I wouldn't have let people like Brianna get into my head I wouldn't be like this. I'd be walking and happy with my body and not be doing these things that hurt you and dad and-" I can't finish talking because I'm crying so hard and I can't get myself under control. I feel my mother's gentle palm against the skin on my back. My breath is a little shaky but I manage to take a deep breath in and out, slowly relaxing under her touch.
"Okay honey answer this for me. Do you remember the day you first met us," she asks. I'm shocked she would bring it up but let's see where she's going with this.
"Of course. Best day of my life," I answer. And it's true. That was the best day of my life. It was the first day I had a real permanent and loving family. Mom smiles when I say that and kisses my cheek.
"Tied with Joey being born it was the best day of mine too... Remember when you first saw us? How did you feel?"
"Scared."
"Yeah? Why?"
"Because every other family treated me like dirt or had to leave me and I didn't want to get attached to a family if they were gonna do the same thing."
"And then after when I asked you if I could hug you what did you do?"
"I let you hug me? Where's this even going?"
"You trusted me. You survived four years getting hurt and became afraid of trusting anyone ever again. But when we came in you faced that fear and trusted that we weren't gonna hurt you. If you wouldn't have done that you wouldn't have let us take you home. To me, you surviving foster care proves your strength on its own but for you to trust us so quickly and face your fears, that's really strong. And since then, you've shown me your strength everyday. Don't underestimate yourself ever. You're so much better than you think. Remember that okay?" I nod and cuddle into her more.
"Mommy?"
"Yeah."
"I've gotta rinse." Mom smiles at me.
"Yeah. Let's get you cleaned up." She picks me up and sits me on the counter, handing me the mouthwash so I can rinse out my mouth. Then she quickly gets a mop out and cleans up the pile of vomit on the floor before washing her hands and helping me get into my clothes. My pyjama bottoms are still warm from the dryer and so is my tank top and my sweater. The second they hit my skin I feel so much warmer. "No more ipecac syrup okay? I want the rest of your stock after so I can throw it out. That stuff will kill you if you keep using it, it's a poison. If you ever vomit again it better be when you're pregnant and the only time I ever want you to be in hospital is to get those casts and stitches off and the day I become a grandma," mom says, making me laugh at the end. "I'm not kidding you better give me grandkids one day. Not now though, I'm too young to be a granny," she adds and laughs with me. Then she cuddles me again. "Keep that smile. I love it on you."
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I'm baaack. I missed y'all. Again, so sorry I took so long. I have family from Italy visiting and we're down to our last week together. Tried to make this chapter long and good for y'all. Hopefully you like it. xo