PITYING THE PRISONER | p.jm

f i v e - c o r a

"My acting is convincing, is it not?" Jimin says, humor behind his voice. "I'm embracing my character, just like you."

"Right." I smile, taking Jimin's tray and placing the note in his hand.

"Be discreet," I instruct before walking to the door. "See you at noon."

I dispose of Jimin's tray and then go to the gym. I've got a lot of pent-up emotion, and I need some way to get it out. There's a boxing room in the gym, adjacent to the sparring room, and though sparring is more my forte, it requires a partner that I don't have. I claim a punching bag for myself and unleash all of my feelings on it, all of my self-directed anger and guilt towards my poor treatment of Jimin, all of my confusion and uncertainty about what The Company stands for and why I'm even here, all of my newfound regret for torturing all of those people that came before Jimin, everything.

For at least an hour I pummel the punching bags, but none of my strikes are enough to ease my nerves. I finally tire myself out and return to my quarters, where I set an alarm and take a nap.

I wake half an hour before I have to face Jimin again, and I mentally prepare myself to be cold to him. I hate being so cruel to him, I hate hurting him. I know that even though I tell him that I don't want to hurt him, that I don't want him to fear me, I know he'll question it, he'll think I'm going to break him, that I mean it when I hurt him, even though I mean no real harm to him and it kills me to have to hurt him.

With a sigh, I go to Jimin's cell and spend the worst half hour of my life being cold to him. When it's over, I return to my quarters, lying facedown on my bed and wondering what's wrong with me.

"Why do I feel this way?" I groan into my pillow. "Why, Park Jimin? You've ruined everything, everything!"

But the thing is, Park Jimin hasn't ruined anything. He's broken down the walls keeping me trapped in my ignorance-based, lie-founded life. The illusion of doing good, the trick of torturing wrongdoers. He's shown me what I really am, and that's the most terrifying thing of all.

I'm a monster, I realize. I'm no better than a criminal.

I pull my head away from the pillow to find that it's wet with tears. The last time I cried was when I heard of my mother's arrest, and I was only five years old when that happened. I haven't shed a tear in thirteen years, and these tears are Jimin's fault. He's changed everything, he's flipped the world I think I know on its head. Up is down, left is right, everything's backwards. My world is crumbling.

I request for someone else to bring Jimin his dinner, and once my request is confirmed I let my eyes fall on Subin's iPod. Plugging in the headphones and putting them in my ears, I look to see if any of Bangtan's music is on the device. There are a couple songs, entitled No More Dream and Danger. I listen to each of them too many times to count, picking out Jimin's voice easily. He has such a beautiful voice. Then, on YouTube, I look up other of Bangtan's songs, listening to each of them over and over, finding and clinging to Jimin's voice. Finally, I stumble upon I Need U, and I recognize it as the song Jimin sang yesterday in the shower. Hearing it makes me cry again. I don't know why, I don't know what's happening to me, but Jimin is causing it.

Why do I hate hurting Jimin? It's never happened to me with anyone else, so why Jimin? I need to figure this out.

When the time comes for me to take Jimin to the Sanitation Block, I stand, remaining composed, and go get him. We walk to the shower in silence, repeating the events of yesterday. Jimin goes to the bathroom while I ensure that we are alone, and once I know we are, I let my guard down. We chat idly while Jimin showers, and I allow myself to get everything off my chest once he's done.