The mind that never sleeps

Chapter one

Hi, down below is a suicide prevention line please call this number if you are ever suicidal or contact me. Suicide is a serious thing that people don't really talk about. Just know that you are worth it there are reasons to live whether or not you think so just talk to someone if you ever feel suicidal. 

   1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Now enjoy the first chapter of my re-written story enjoy :)

It hurt watching him leave hurt. Two years ago my older brother Chase left me with our screw up of a mom. He didn't think how it would effect me or think to take me with him, it was all about him. He moved to North Carolina where my father lives, but he doesn't live with him he lives with his girlfriend of two years Allison. No one ever takes into consideration how I feel so of course my mother decides to move us to North Carolina without even consulting me first. 

I wonder how long It'll take me to drown 1 minute 3 minutes? Ten?  

This is my normal routine I come in the bathroom, make bath water, and just lay in it clothes and all. I ask myself this not because I want to kill myself- well, at least not now anyway, but because I'm fascinated with death. I push my whole body underwater, I close my eyes and lay absolutely still the more you move the quicker you'll need air. When I'm underwater everything goes silent and the world seems to stop all I can hear is the sound of my heart beat Boom boom boom. I focus on my heartbeat and notice how each second goes by my heartbeat starts to get slower and slower.

  Boom....boom.........boom. 

I start to feel the pain in my chest. It feels like someone is clawing at my rib cage begging for air, but I won't give in just yet I can go a little longer. I wonder if this is how Virginia woolf felt when she walked into The River Ouse. Did she regret putting those stones in her pocket as she was drowning? Was she scared? Did it hurt? There's this quote by Virginia she said "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more" I believe this one hundred percent maybe if I were to die my idiotic mother would value her life more. I move a little in the water. I can feel myself getting dizzy and the pain is at its all time high, so I sit up gasping for air. Call me crazy, but doing that makes me feel alive it gives me a buzz. 

I walk out of the bathroom dripping with water, but I don't care. "Jordy what the hell is wrong with you! you're getting water all over the floors. Why are your clothes wet anyway?" I rolled my eyes at the voice behind me 

"because mom I like my clothes wet and we're moving anyway so why does it matter what I do to the house, now if you don't mind I'm going to be late for school" 

Today was my last day of going to this school I wasn't planning on going, but my amazing dad told me that I had to go. He say that there could be a test today I needed to take or they could be doing something that could affect my grade. One even if there was a test today, which there isn't it wouldn't matter for me since all of my transcripts and grades got sent to my new school in Carolina. Of course my dad didn't listen to me all he cares about is my grades and what I'll do when I graduate. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but it still seems like that sometimes. 

    I change out of my wet clothes and put on a black hoodie with the words 'I hate people' on it and my purple basketball shorts. I left my curly brown hair wet, but put it up into a messy bun. When I was younger I use to hate that my hair wasn't straight and the rest of the girls in my class hair was. I hated that my mother was white and my father was black because that's why I couldn't have straight hair, because I was mixed. When my mother found out her and my dad sat me down and listed all the reasons why I should love my hair and the color of her and my dad's skin. They told me that I should be proud of my skin color and that it was okay to be different. If only that were true.