Solo Girl

Introducing Her

Do you ever feel like you weren't meant to be on earth? Like when god made you something went wrong in the process? Like you were just a rough draft? Like you're one of the one eyed freaks; or Cyclopes as you may know them; that Uranus banished to Tatarus? Well I feel like that every single day.

Hi, my name is Mia and I'm a 16 year old girl. I go through all the existential crises every teenage girl goes through like having nothing to wear in the morning, period cramps, not being able to eat a donut without gaining 10 pounds, feeling like I'm going to be boyfriend less forever, not being popular enough and last but not least, acne. I guess you can say I'm just a normal teenage girl but at the same time I feel like I'm a total freak. You know that girl who sits at the back of the classroom and doesn't say anything and when she finally does people gasp and make that oh so hilarious joke "oh my god she can speak". Wow real original. Well that was me. I like to keep to myself and not get in anyone's way or face. I would listen, do the homework and kept up my B average but that just wasn't good enough. The teachers wanted participation and I tried I really did but I always thought someone would judge me by my answer and if I got it wrong someone would laugh. So I just kept quiet.

Don't get me wrong when it comes to class I'm as quiet as a mouse but if you approach me, take the time to know me and I think I can trust you then and only then will I let you see the side of me I rarely let people see. The only people who saw that side of me was my family and my three best friends in the world: Fiona, Jordan and Jamie. They're all girls if you're wondering.

Fiona, Jordan and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten and are inseparable. Our parents were best friends since high school so naturally we had to end up being best friends. Fiona is the wild party girl and I guess you could say a bit of a slut. What can I say? She loves her parties.  But Jordan was the book worm of the group, anytime she had free time she would either be studying or reading a book. One summer she read the whole encyclopedia and memorized it too. I don't think she's ever got anything worse than an A- in her life but occasionally she would be the bad girl of the group but only once every lunar eclipse. But Jamie, I guess you could say she was sort of the odd one out. We weren't friends with her our whole lives, we've only been friends with her for 2 years. We met her in freshman year of high school. Jamie is the most interesting person I've ever met. She doesn't have a label, there just wasn't one made for her. She could be a party animal if she felt like it but she could also be the biggest nerd you've met, she could be the sweetest person in the world but she can also crush with just 10 words. She just lived life without a care in the world. She didn't care what people thought and she was stunning. I was always jealous of her.

Now you remember all that stuff at the very beginning about feeling different, well my friends don't really know anything about that. I try and play it off like I'm the nicest and happiest person in the world and sometimes it's just so exhausting. But I have to because I know that they could never handle all the baggage I have and how bad I feel inside. Like how my family have been fighting nonstop since I was 5 years old and we can't even go on a family vacation for 3 days without my parents fighting the second we get there. At the beginning it was just my parents fighting and I thought that was bad but when my two older brothers became teenagers they started fighting with my parents and that just made it worst. I remember sitting at the top of the staircase listening to every single word they screamed at each other and I remember crying my eyes out. Last year they finally decided to separate and I told everybody I was happy about it. I was, I really was but sometimes I miss the good moments. They rarely happened but when they did it was the best time of my life.

Now I live with my mom and my brothers live with my dad. My dad lives 30 minutes away so I don't get to see him as much as I did but I guess it's ok. The only bad thing about the separation is that we had to sell the house I lived in my whole life. And before they decided to separate we had the biggest blow out my family has ever had. I wasn't involved, per usual, but everyone else was. That's that fight that really pushed our family off the edge into the decision of separating. But now everyone's happier than before but I'm still scarred from all the fighting. I can't stand fighting and neither can my mom, that's why living together is so peaceful and nice. For once in a long time I'm actually happy. But of course life has to turn that around and make me feel like shit once again and make me extremely insecure and have low self esteem. It's gotten so bad that I don't even want to leave the house alone because I think people are judging me everywhere I turn. It's getting better but I still pick at all of my bad flaws when I look in the mirror. Like how fat I am, my hairy legs, my mustache, my uni brow, my double chin, my flabby arms, my acne and the list goes on. My fears in life tend to bring me down too like how I think I'm going to end up alone and never get married, or have a boyfriend. No boy will take my first kiss and I'll stay a virgin for the rest of my life. You know the usual teenage girl stuff.

I'm not depressed or on the verge of suicide or anything, it's just sometimes I feel so alone and unwanted it drives me to a temporary state of depression. You know what I mean?