Clive what the first guy I had serious feelings for. He was the first guy I went really far with.
Just to give a little background, at this point it was the summer before my senior year if highschool, so I was 16.
He was a year older, and was from the UK somewhere. Most likely England.
So Clive was someone I met through Instagram. We liked each others pictures, he started commenting compliments, than the compliments started getting flirty, than sexual. At the sexual point, he really intrigued me, unlike the other guys.
At one point, when we had full on conversations in the comments of my oldest Instagram picture. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give my number because I didn't want to be texting a long distance number and have my parents questioning me.
So he asked: can I get your number, so we can continue this conversation privately?
I said: maybe
He said: well why not?
I said: well cause I really dont know you
To that, he posted a picture on his instagram with his number, and wrote in the caption: text me, you know who you are ;).
So I commented on the picture: hmm, still not gonna happen.
He was a bold guy. He did what he could to get what he wanted. So after refusing to give my number he persuaded me to get Kik.
I thought, well Kik is just an all for talking, okay I'll make one. So I did. He was the only one I wanted to talk to. I did however let anyone on my Instagram add me on Kik. I had some conversations with guys. But Clive was the one guy I talked to for hours and hours, all day and all night.
What I liked about Clive was that we got serious about each other. Mikey was prevalent in this situation too, but the difference here was that Clive got mad when he got jealous. So I stopped with the Mikey lies.
And when I mean mad, I mean it. We fought so many times, insulted each other, yelled at each other (though text), went days without talking.
But that's what I loved about him. We loved hard and we fought hard. I think it made us love each other more. (I say love loosely, I still don't think I know what love means, but at the time, that's how I defined it).
I liked the fights, because I wouldn't fight with someone I did t care about. Of just drip you out of my life. But we couldn't stay away from each other. That lust was addicting.
(So you might be wondering, what does Clive know about my life. Well I'll explain more of that later, but like always, my pictures told my experiences, and my name became Miley.)
Clive also was amazing at sexting. Honestly talking to him was like watching a porn scene. He was so creative and detailed with the things he said to me. And trust me, it did turn me on. He sent this insanely long paragraph of the things he would do to me in bed...like oh my it was hot.
So you get a feel of our love-hate relationship, you can understand how there was sexual tension. Just wanting to be passionate with eachother.
So he asked for my number again. I was still hesitant. And I explained why. I didn't want to be calling a long distance number. He said he would always call me. And I said, well I didn't want my parents to question me. So he understood. He asked me to get Kik Video than. I was worried, what if he wanted a video of me. But I was too blinded by the idea of wanted to hear his voice, that I got it.
Sending g voice messages to each other became a constant thing. It was great hearing him. And damn his British accent was sexy.
We got even more serious. He even sent a video of him jerking off, and dirty talking too me. (Sorry if that's too much info, I didn't know if I wanted to keep that out)
Tbh, a part of me feels super weird wrotting about all of this. Like this is private stuff, and I'm using their real names. Err idk.
So anyways, school was coming around, and summer was ending. I really didn't want to be distracted at school by messaging him all the time, so I decoded its time to start drifting from him. Little did I know that the process of drifting takes way too long. But about our the second month into school we had stopped talking.
How did I just let go?
Well it wasn't that easy, but I knew we were getting way too close, and it was about time to end things. Also I was looking forward to school, I knew I had to end it. Not cause I wanted to, bit cause I needed to. I'm sure it wasn't easy on his side. But honestly, I don't remember the goodbye with Clive.
So I just remembered a key part of my relationshio with Clive. (I say relatio ship loosely, we weren't actually together). But something we loved to do was send music to eachother. Songs that made us thing of each other. And this got very fun when we fought. So one of the songs he sent me when we fought was You Need Me And I Don't Need You by Ed Sheeran. And then at the end, when it came to our goodbyes and drifting, he sent me Let Her Go by Passenger.
And to this day when I hear those songs I think of him. The Ed Sheeran song is just funny I'm a good way. It males me smile. Cause us fighting was showing that we really cared for each other.
The Passenger song was too real, that why I love it. "Cause you only need the light when its burning low"...the whole song is about wanting someone just because they are gone and you can't have them anymore. And it was true for us. I can't say that I loved him because I loved him. It was more that we got so used to each other, and we always talked. Than when we didnt have each other we felt alone.
