50 ways to piss off Edward Cullen

AUTHORS: JASPER HALE & EMMETT CULLEN

(Written by those who know him best... and are least afraid of the consequences)

Intro from Jasper: "This isn't just a book; it's an operating manual. A manual for chaotic entertainment. We've always wondered exactly what it takes to make Edward lose that stoic composure of his. We decided to test it out. And write it down. For the sake of science... and amusement."

Intro from Emmett: "Look, Edward is the type of guy who takes everything too seriously. And us? We like to party. Especially the kind of party that makes his marble face go even more... marble-y, but with rage. Get ready, because this is gonna be epic!"

HOW TO ANNOY EDWARD:

Skip around the house singing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" at the top of your lungs every morning.

Do it especially loud when Bella is around.

Tell Charlie during the wedding ceremony that Edward has been "sleeping" with Bella for 2 years.

Hire a stripper to jump out of the wedding cake.

Buy a sex ed book and shove it in his school locker. Rig it so it falls out in front of the whole school every time he opens the door.

Smear your blood on his new air freshener. Blame it on Jacob.

Make sure to tell Aro that Edward wants to run away and secretly marry him.

Program his locker so that every time he opens it, this song blasts out: YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS, SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! HERE WE GO NOW! YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! GET HORNY NOW!

Tell him it was Jacob's idea.

Show him the "Twilight" movie trailer. Ask him if he looks like a wuss or if it's just you.

Ask him where babies come from. If he doesn't answer, tell him he's stupid.

For his birthday, give him a $100 McDonald's gift card. Act offended when he says he doesn't eat food.

Put his phone number on eHarmony.

Tell him Bella wants to run away and elope with Paul.

Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.

Change his ringtone to Ashlee Simpson's "Outta My Head." Make sure he can't change it back.

Color in all his photos of Bella with a permanent marker.

Refuse to replace them.

Ask him to be a gangster with you for Halloween.

Act offended when he refuses.

Drag him to Victoria's Secret with Alice.

Constantly whisper in his ear: "Chinese Fireball... ohhhhhh" (Harry Potter reference).

Ask him what it was like taking a bath with Harry (Harry Potter reference).

Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a dog.

Key "Jacob + Edward = TL (True Love)" onto his car.

Take him to an "intervention." Make sure everyone thinks he's addicted to heroin.

If he denies it, say you have Bella as a witness.

Take a nude photo of yourself and cover it in blood. Ask him if he wants you.

Call him a liar when he says no.

Throw blueberry muffins at him every time he tries to speak.

Tell him Bella is pregnant and running away to marry Mike Newton.

Say "Just kidding!" only after he kills Mike.

Ask if Charlie is secretly a unicorn.

Force him to watch the movie "Twilight."

Ask him if he thinks Robert Pattinson is hot. When he says no, tell him he has low self-esteem.

Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob.

Train the dog to follow him everywhere. P.S: Make sure he doesn't eat it.

Ask him if he's as hot as Robert Pattinson.

Ask him if he's a virgin.

When he says yes, take a picture of him and paste it onto a "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" movie poster.

Force him to watch "Hairspray" with you. Ask why he isn't as hot as Zac Efron.

If he claims he is, ask why he wasn't the star of High School Musical.

Tape porn posters all over his walls.

Make sure Bella sees them.

Nail his CDs and stereo equipment to the ceiling.

Refuse to take them down.

Tell him Jacob thinks he's a sex god.

Tell him Jane thinks she's better than a sex god.

Start singing "Paper Cut" (Linkin Park) around him. Constantly.

Print out contact info for a therapist and leave it under his pillow.

"Yeah. That should work," Jasper said, finishing the list. He turned to Emmett. "Really?"

"Hell yeah!" Emmett shouted, slapping Jasper on the back hard enough to make him stumble.

Jasper grinned. "Let's do this."