Second Wind

Chapter 1 - Moving On

Grief is a crazy thing. One day you are consumed by it and the next day you are fine.

It has been three and a half years since my husband Dan passed away.

By now, you would not think the waves of grief would crash into me so suddenly, like high tide on a warm summer day, right there in the middle of the produce aisle at the grocery store.

But they do, because that damn store still pipes "classic" rock songs that played at my wedding reception over the speakers. And then there they are: the tears I'm going to try to hold back for at least a few minutes until I can make my way to the exit and get into my car where I can exhale from holding my breath and just let it all out, before heading home without my groceries.

I make yet another promise to myself (that I will never keep) to talk about it at my next monthly grief support group meeting. There are so many others at the meetings that have so much more to be sad about that I hate to take time away from their healing process; like the mother whose son committed suicide, or the man whose wife and children were tragically killed in a house fire, or the young wife and mother whose husband was killed in the line of duty in the military, or the man whose wife died of breast cancer.

I'm ok. Or at least I will be. I hope.

These days, running is part of my healing process. It's my quiet time, and I do it in my favorite place, usually in nature, along the trails behind my house, weather permitting, and I can just focus on breathing and moving forward. It's the only place I really feel alive these days.

I used to run cross country in high school and college; then life happened and I sort of became too busy for it. But now, I have two grown daughters and plenty of free time to fill since I'm an empty nester and now a widow. Loneliness and sadness tend to consume me when I have too much free time. So I fill the free time with running. And I run a lot. I'm training for a 15k and trying to build up my endurance while improving my pace.

I am blessed to have many friends, and I have a strong support system, especially my dearest friend Emma, who has been with me throughout my life for the highest highs and lowest lows. I am an only child so she is the closest thing to a sister that I will ever have. She is the first call I made when my parents were killed in a car accident when we were in college. Even though she had no idea what to do either, she was there to hold my hand and helped me navigate that process and plan a funeral and settle their estate. She is my sister in every way, except by blood.

When Emma encouraged me to downsize and sell my house almost two years after Dan died, she knew that also meant sitting with me and going through his things and every memory in every box from almost 25 years of marriage. And she did it without hesitation. She stayed with me for months, and slept by my side in the guest bedroom because she knew I couldn't sleep in the bed that he died in. I couldn't even walk in the room for the longest time without having a panic attack.

Once I settled into my new home, Emma knew exactly what I needed next - to get back out into the world and she remembered how much I enjoyed running in our younger days. But this was one thing she could not help me with. This I had to tackle on my own. Emma is famous for saying that the only time you will see her running is if she is being chased.

Scared to put myself out there and without a running buddy, I decided to join a gym for safety purposes, but I eventually grew bored of the monotony of the treadmill. I have been running on the trails behind my new home and at the gym I kept seeing these flyers for 5Ks in the area hosted by a local running club, so I decided to sign up for a run as a baseline point in my new journey, with the hopes of meeting some new friends along the way.

Now, as I sit here, waiting for Emma to pick me up and take me to my first 5K in decades, where my girls will also be there to cheer me on, I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

My daughters, bless their hearts, just want me to be happy. I try not to be sad around them, but the truth is, moving houses, changing furniture, none of it takes away the pain. It still lingers in the background and even when I look at them I see their father, and that isn't their fault, or his. He had a massive heart attack at 48 and passed away in his sleep. He was way too young. He should still be here. He should walk them down the aisle at their weddings, and he should grow old with me. Now what? This was not part of the plan.

Thankfully, part of the plan was life insurance. Of that, he had plenty. He was a financial advisor so at least he set me and the girls up quite well. That, along with the sale of the house, allowed me to scale back at work and move to part time, while focusing on my mental and physical health at this stage in my life. I probably don't even need to work, truth be told, but I need something to keep me busy and I do enjoy my work as a scientist and researcher.

Now Emma and the girls keep pushing me to get on dating apps, but I haven't yet. It just gives me the creeps. I went out with a couple of guys I met at the gym, but that didn't go well. One thing that hasn't changed much in 25+ years is men. All they talk about is themselves, they don't listen to you at all, and expect to get lucky at the end of the night. On the first date. Needless to say, I haven't been on any second dates. That doesn't stop Emma from continuing to try though.

Speak of the devil...

"Hey Maggie, ready to roll?" She says while opening the door.

"Yeah. You're late!"

"Sorry, had to stop for some go juice. You know I'm never going to be a morning person. Let's get going so you can kick some ass and we can get some mimosas after!"

"Grabbing my socks and running shoes and I'm right behind you."

***
Hello, readers! Thank you for taking the time to check out my story. I'd love your feedback and welcome your comments. Even though the story is centered around a character who is grieving, I wanted to write something heartfelt and hopeful. I hope you enjoy it. ❤️