New Kid- Gamtav

(I Am) Calm

A/N: So, heh heh, funny story actually, I had this all typed out a while ago and Wattpad FREAKING DELETED THE WHOLE THING (which, really, is why I basically always write stuff on actual paper before typing it, but of course this was the one time that I didn't) so then I sort of just gave up for a while. Yep that's my excuse. But I know, I know, it's been forever, there is no explanation, I feel like trash, I am trash, I'm sorry.
But seriously, let's just get this shit on the road already.

Tav's POV

The worst thing, out of all of the worry and confusion and fear of the past few days, was waiting. When it was all over and the chaos had leveled off into a twilight zone of quiet uncertainty and Tavros was left with nothing but the shattered pieces of normality lying around him as proof that it hadn't all been a dream, and even then there were moments when he wanted to believe that that was all it was, that the horror of the park had never existed and he had not seen what he'd seen, but each time he tried to shut out reality, it came rushing back in with more force than ever, prying his eyes open to the impossible truth of the situation.
It had been easiest after he'd woken up the next morning, the images of blood behind his eyes and the shrill wail of sirens ringing in his ears fading as if they'd never been, but it was all painfully clear with just a moment of thought to pull the phantasms to the front of his mind --the call from Gamzee's parents when he hadn't shown up at home that night; the aimless search around town, mostly for Makaras' sake, thinking it wasn't a big deal and Gam would just show up at home whenever he happened to; and then the call from Karkat, the fear and urgency in his voice as he told Tav about a call from Nepeta, because he was closest to the park she'd called from, and he'd better get his ass over there and find out what the hell was going on; the building apprehension and anxiety; the shock; the fear, more intense than anything he'd ever felt before. He hadn't thought Gamzee would stop, he'd thought he was going to kill him, he'd been sure of it. And then he'd suddenly had his friend back, and it had felt like everything was fine again, but Nepeta was still there and the blood was still there, and then the sirens... There had been a moment, in the panic, when he'd thought about running, getting Gamzee away before they could take him, and maybe they would just stay run, just go and not come back, but Tavros knew that couldn't happen, because the sirens were already there, and Nepeta was there, and Gamzee was there, and Tavros was still afraid.
There were hundreds of questions, and long, circular answers, and just as much confusion. What Tavros did know was Nepeta hadn't died --hadn't been killed-- but the injuries were "severe," and she'd needed surgery, and they hadn't thought she would make it. Tavros hadn't been to see her though he'd heard she was awake most of the time now, hadn't been able to face her somehow, and hadn't really talked to anyone who'd come to see her either, except to ask about how she was doing. It was like an invisible line had been drawn, with them on one side with her, and Tavros on the other with Gamzee. It hurt Tav that it had to be like that but he was also glad that they could all be there for her and wishes he could be also. He wondered if he was doing the right thing by staying with Gamzee --anyone else would see him as the villain, the criminal, and everyone did, but Tav had been there, and he knew Gamzee, and it just wasn't right. Gamzee hadn't been himself. And there was a moment... Tav had seen it, he was sure of it; he'd seen his friend, seen the real Gamzee, for a moment, and he'd been just as hurt and afraid as Tavros, and Tav just couldn't leave him. He couldn't look at the boy lying in the hospital bed in front of him and feel anger, or hate, or affection, or anything but sorrow, for both of them.
It was all a blur after the police and the ambulances came, but Tav remembered his parents following the ambulance to the hospital, and he remembered trying to get back to the room they'd taken Gamzee into and only catching a glimpse of him in a bed with I.V's in both arms and a tube up his nose before the nurse forced him out and a police officer took him to the lobby and talked to him for a while --he didn't remember much of the conversation as he'd been too busy worrying about what was wrong with Gamzee to pay attention-- and then he'd gone home with his parents and collapsed into bed, overwhelmed and exhausted.
Gamzee had been moved to a different hospital the next morning, apparently at Nepeta's parents' request, and Tavros hadn't been allowed to see him until after another two days of laying in bed and trying to wrap his head around everything tat was happening. It was then that a doctor told him about toxins in Gamzee's blood that had nearly shut down his liver and said he was mostly stable but hadn't woken up yet. No one said anything about Nepeta, but there were police officers outside the door to Gamzee's room who asked him more questions about what had happened and then let him go inside.
It had almost broken Tavros to see him laying there, so very still and so very pale, and he'd sat there next to the bed and held his hand, tracing his thumbs over the long lines of his palm and choking on the hot ball of grief forcing it's way up his throat, but he didn't cry, not there in the hospital room as the nurses cycled in and out to check machines and change out bags on the I.V, and not in the hall when they eventually told him to leave, and not in the lobby when he went back down to meet his parents, and not in the car in the stifling silence left by his parents not knowing what to say. He went straight to his room, declined dinner because he already felt like he could throw up, and laid on his bed, hugging a pillow to his chest and curling his fingers in the blankets so tightly they cramped, and the anguish surged up inside of him until he had to bury his face in the pillow to muffle his screams, and he curled into himself and waited for the fit and the anger and the tears, but they never came.

A/N: I really have no idea how this story got so serious, I mean it was all just pointless fluff and then THE VISION, but don't worry, this isn't the end!! I have at least two more chapters planned and all will be well, but for now, thanks for putting up with me, and thank you so much for reading!