I have lots of friends.
but im still fucking lonely.
And i was really confused about that for awhile. Why was I always feeling so alone, when I had all these people who were my friends, people who actually liked me? (Or at least, people who i thought liked me)
And then it hit me; i have friends, i just don't have a best friend.
I dont have someone who I can always go to when I need to, I don't have a 'my other half'. When someone says to pick a partner I don't have someone who I go to every time. Well I mean, I did, but they weren't really my best friend.
I could never tell that person everything, i could never open up to them.
I want a best friend.
I had one. For a while.
They left.
Almost a year ago.
And im still not fucking over it.
I don't know. I'm just tired of being so damn lonely when I shouldn't be. Even if I don't have a best friend, I shouldn't constantly feel so lonely.
And now you, or they, assuming they most likely or reading this (i don't blame them),
they are stressing me the fuck out.
that person i keep referring to in these chapters.
and they're making me feel extra lonely.
they're making feel fucking helpless.
worthless.
like i can't. do. anything.
And they arent even doing it intentionally! And i can't even tell them that's how they're making me feel, because they already feel like they make people angry, and they already feel like they aren'g good for anyone, and if I tell them that they're driving me insane with what they're doing to themselves then they'll just feel even worse which I don't want to be the cause of.
this chapter took a sudden turn, didn't it? Going right back to the same concept as the other chapters. I guess it's just really putting a huge cloud over me. Why wouldn't it.
what am i even doing.
its 1 am.
i need to sleep.
i have a big day tomorrow.
that's very much so not going to happen.
i don't sleep very easily.
thats not something i do.
i'll be fine running on 5 hours of sleep tomorrow.
ive gotten used to it.
