i knew this guy.
i wasn't sure if i could call him a friend.
however i think i can say that he was my savior.
i actually didn't know he was.
until after so many years have passed.
i used to live in someone's house.
that someone was my guardian for like two years.
i was there because i had no relatives or friends to live with.
it's not that i was adopted.
i was there to study abroad away from my family.
i was there in my early teenage years.
couple of years before going to a high school.
i would be going to a boarding school for my high school years.
and for those years, i would be on my own living with other students just like me.
back to this guy.
i met this guy when i was living with a guardian.
we had a good guardian.
he was kind, generous.
he was in fact christian.
i didn't really like going to church on weekends but he made us to.
at the time, i didn't really want to.
but looking back now, i actually do miss going there to see my friends who were also christians.
basically, i was going to a christian school even though i wasn't religious myself.
nevertheless, i did close my eyes when it was time to pray.
i do confess however that i did open my eyes once in a while for curiosity to watch others praying.
i think i would have been ashamed if someone caught me doing that.
however, everyone was so devoted and faithful that no one saw me not closing my eyes.
i think i've never seen people so kind and warm hearted as they were.
they were all nice to me even though i was from a different country and did not speak their language well.
maybe this is something that should be granted to all.
at the same time, it was such fortune that they all treated me so well.
anyways, back to the guy again.
i keep forgetting that he is why i'm writing this.
we were roommates.
he lived next room.
i think we were quite close in the beginning.
however, i somehow got to not like him as much.
i think i was the one who distanced him first and made it clear that i did not want a close relationship.
i am not exactly sure but i think i did that because i thought he liked to copy alot and was not orginal.
in some ways, he seemed competitive and tried too hard to feel smart about himself.
i don't know if that can be a good reason for what i did about him.
i mean i just didn't find him that cool or want him to be much of a friend.
i don't think he minded that much either.
so we kept our relationship that way until we stopped living in the same house.
what i didnt know at the time was that there was this another guy who was like several years older than us.
he was in already highschool and we were in middle school.
i had no idea that guy was actually bullying and physically hurting other guys.
that is because he never touched me for reasons i did not know at the time.
i have no idea what the bullying guy did to the other guy i did not want to befriend during those years.
i do however remember one night.
the bullying guy called us over to his room.
he basically was angry that none of us did what he asked us to do, which was to bring his music files in one computer to him via usb.
i had never seen his face get so red and aggressive because he has always been nice and brotherly to me for some reason all along.
but then he slapped across the guy's face.
i thought i was going to get beat up so i started crying.
i remember even calling him by mister and sir or all the honorifics and say how sorry and wrong i have done.
he then suddenly paused and asked why i am doing that.
i basically told him im scared of him being that way.
he then suddenly went on about how that makes him feel like he is such a bad person.
he was rhetorically questioning how my reaction makes him feel like and what a bad person that makes him feel as.
i didnt no what to say. all i know i begged for mercy with my two hands and my body shaking.
there was a bit of silence.
and then the other roommate guy said that the bullying guy should let me go away and that i should be excluded from it.
the bullying guy told me to leave and get out.
in a sense, the other guy even though we werent supposed to be much of friend cared enough about me so that i wont go through what he was about to go through.
i do not remember what happened in that room after i left.
and i dont remember what i was doing afterwards and where i was.
all i know is that that guy i didnt think much of a friend helped saving me from what could have been a traumatic abuse and he just had to go through it all by himself.
i never had chance to thank him.
i never did.
and i never can.
because after many years later, when i visited my guardian, he told me that he had committed a suicide.
yeah.
i have no way to thank him.
i just do get memories of him.
and i just still remember his voice of courage to leave me out of the nightmare.
it is too late and unfair to suddenly call him as my friend.
i just think he was my savior...
unknown for so many years.
i wish he were still here and has found his way of happiness.
obviously, he sought it in the most tragic way.
there is nothing i can do for him for what he did for me.
all i can do is to thank him whenever memories of him come back to me and that i will do such unthinkable courage for others like he did for me that night.
i wonder if i have such heart.
i dont know how he did it.
all for me.
just to save me out of it.
he is not here but is in me more than ever.
thank you.
thank you for protecting me.
you were my hidden guardian.
