Best Friends with Benefits

Nothing

"Nothing," I say again. I say it as I hold back the tears that threaten to spill during the day, but come out during the night. During the night when I stay up for hours, supposedly trying to sleep. But how do you even sleep with so much thoughts running around your head?

"Nothing is wrong," I say again. I say it as I try to smile. I smile because it's easier than explaining what's wrong. I've found that pretending to be alright has been my safety blanket. Again. How do you even explain what's wrong when you don't know what's wrong in the first place?

"Yes I'm sure that nothing is wrong," I say again. I say it say it with a kiss. Or a hug. Or maybe both. I use the small gestures of affection as a shield to hide behind. Hiding from, I don't know.

That's just the worst part of it all. I don't know what's wrong. But something is. How do you fix something when you don't know where the broken parts are? Or what's even broken?

What if I'm broken? What if we're broken? What if we can't even be fixed anymore?

I just need some space. And some time. Time to think. Because I can't think straight and if I can't think straight, I'll never figure out what's wrong.

Until then, I'll keep saying "Nothing." Because you deserve better than an "I don't know."

~~~~
Hi everyone. This wasn't a part of the story. I just wanted to let my thoughts out there, one way or another. It's a personal thing.

Have any of you ever felt like someone was too good for you? Someone who gives you so much effort, so much care, so much love, and yet you can't seem to appreciate and reciprocate what they're giving to you?

I have felt that. I do feel that. I've been feeling it for the past few days.

Maybe it's the stress of us going to college in a few weeks. Different colleges.

Maybe what he's saying doesn't interest me anymore.

Maybe we're growing apart.

Maybe we're beginning to have different interests.

Maybe I'm PMS-ing.

I just needed to let my thoughts out there. And I needed to hear someone's opinions.

The fact that I'm even putting this out on the internet shows how desperate and pathetic I am. Please. Someone help me.