Running to You | Park Han + JL + Steven | Haneulz + Stejay AU

Chapter 85: Permission to Fall Apart

Steven felt something shift inside his chest as he stared at Han. This wasn't exhaustion speaking. This was someone who had found a core of will that Steven didn't recognize, had never possessed himself. A kind of strength that could endure being hated by the person you loved most, could absorb endless cruelty and still stand firm.

The realization hit him like a physical blow.

If it had been him  -- if he had stayed instead of leaving -- JL would not be standing in that room. JL would not be fighting. JL would still be dying in that bed, and Steven would have let him, too weak to be the villain JL needed, too desperate to be loved to let himself be hated.

Steven's throat closed as the truth settled over him like a weight.

"I couldn't have done what you're doing," Steven said, the words coming out rough, torn from somewhere deep. "Not like this. Not the part where you let him scream at you. Where you let him hate you." 

Each word felt like glass in his throat. "I thought love meant protecting him from pain. That's why I stayed gentle, why I pulled back when he begged me to. I couldn't fight him, Han."

Steven's voice trembled. "I couldn't stand the thought of him hating me."

He looked at Han now, took in all the new hollows in Han's face, the dull pallor of his skin, the raw ache in his eyes that seemed to come from somewhere much deeper than he had ever seen. Saw how much had already been taken.

"I was too weak to do what needed to be done, Han."

Han's throat tightened, his jaw working.

"But you..." Steven's voice trembled, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "You let him hate you. You let him scream at you. You took everything." The admission felt like it was killing him. 

"He might never forgive me," Han whispered finally.

Steven's throat closed completely. The words he needed to say felt impossible, but Han was breaking apart in front of him and Steven couldn't -- he couldn't let him fall. Not when JL needed him.

"He will," Steven managed, his voice rough with unshed tears.

Han looked down then, unable to meet Steven's eyes. His whole body shook under the weight of all he hadn't said, all he hadn't allowed himself to feel in front of anyone else.

"I don't feel like I'm saving anything," Han said softly, his voice breaking. "I wanted him to love me. And now he hates me. Every day, he looks at me like I'm his jailer."

Han opened and closed his hands, calloused now, now longer soft, no longer pristine. "He hates me more than anything."

His head dropped low, his face hidden. And then, for the first time since it all began, Han let himself fall apart.

His shoulders shuddered. Tears ran down his cheeks as the broken, soft sounds escaped him.

 Steven watched in stunned silence for a moment, shocked to see Han like this. Han, who never faltered. Han, who absorbed everything and gave nothing back.

But here he was, finally collapsing like a soldier who had held the line too long.

Steven felt his own chest cave in, watching the man who had saved the person he loved most fall apart. Without thinking, he stepped forward and pulled Han into a rough brotherly embrace. Han's body sagged into it, chest heaving as the weight of months crashed down on him.

"I remember how he used to look at me," Han whispered against Steven's shoulder, his voice completely broken. "Before all this. Like I was..." His breath hitched. "Like I mattered to him."