Running to You | Park Han + JL + Steven | Haneulz + Stejay AU

Chapter 49: The Other Side of the Sun

JL wasn't going to let himself feel it. 

JL groaned. He was going to go crazy. He did not need two ridiculously hot guys fighting over him, and worse, he didn't need the agony of not knowing who to choose.

He was a wanton woman, he muttered wryly to himself, who should wear a red letter on her chest and be paraded through the town square while people threw rotten fruit and berated her for loose morals. 

He came to Korea for a fresh start, remember?

But this was Shanghai. 

What was in the damn air in here? It was making everyone behave strangely, including him. JL almost laughed to himself. 

Sighing, he made his way to the track to do the one thing he was good at: run and not think. 

* * * 

It was late.

Too late for anything but the kind of conversations that left you raw.

JL sat on the edge of the rooftop terrace, knees drawn up, hoodie sleeves pushed to his elbows. The Shanghai skyline blinked behind him like a distant constellation. Juwon was stretched out beside him, legs splayed in exhaustion, drinking from a sports bottle. 

Kyungho leaned against the railing, one hand gripping it like it grounded him.

"Alright," Juwon said, after a long silence. "Spill. You've got that face on again."

JL didn't even pretend. "I'm a mess."

Kyungho tilted his head. "Specifics."

"I don't know how to say this without being embarrassingly explicit. And I don't know if I can face you both after I say it." 

Kyungho's expression was kind, Juwon's fond. 

"You're our JL. I'm your best friend, and you can tell me anything. Even if it's gross. Okay maybe don't make it too gross." JL looked at him, half-smiling, still embarassed.

Kyungho grinned. "And I'm Steven's. Not that I already knew this was going to be about Steven and Han or anything." JL looked mortified, but laughed.

"Fine." JL stared at the concrete. "I kissed Steven. I want Steven. I feel like I belong when he's near me."

Juwon grinned. "Good start."

"But..." JL sighed. "Han said something. Just one thing. And now I can't get it out of my head."

Juwon didn't laugh this time.

Kyungho's jaw tensed. "Let me guess. It was dramatic. Cryptic. Emotionally irresponsible."

JL nodded miserably.

"I knew it," Kyungho muttered.

Juwon leaned back on his hands, looking up at the stars. "You know, Han's never really looked at anyone before. Like looked looked. I've known him since freshman year. He treats people like obstacles or teammates. That's it."

He glanced at JL. "Except you."

JL rubbed his face. "Why? I've done nothing but confuse him."

"Exactly." Juwon's smile was sad now. "You confuse him. You affect him. That terrifies someone like Han. He doesn't know what to do with feelings. He only knows how to beat them."

Kyungho cut in, voice quiet but firm. "But that's not your burden, JL."

JL turned to him.

Kyungho's eyes were steady. "Steven is a good man. The kind you build a future with. But he's not bulletproof. And if you're still turning your head every time Han breathes in your direction, then Steven's going to break."

JL exhaled. "But there's nothing between me and Han. We've never been together. We've barely even talked."

"Doesn't matter," Kyungho said. "That's not how feelings work. Especially not with someone like Steven."

There was a pause.

Then Kyungho looked away. "Woongki... he's not mine, either."

JL blinked.

Juwon sat up a little straighter.

"I've been in love with that mess for two years," Kyungho said. "He flirts with everyone. He dances like he's made of music and I swear he thrives on chaos. But when I try to talk about anything real, he jokes. He disappears."

He swallowed. "And I let it happen. Because I thought maybe... if I just stayed close, one day he'd turn around and see me."

Juwon's expression softened. "He does see you, bro."

Kyungho shook his head. "Not the way I need. And I can't ask him to change. But it hurts, JL. It hurts more than anything, to be on the other side of that blinding sun."

JL's throat tightened.

"I didn't mean to hurt Steven," he said.

"Of course you didn't," Kyungho said. "But you will, if you're not honest with yourself."

JL sat with that.

Juwon nudged him. "You're not selfish, JL. You're confused. We're young, you're young. You're in love, maybe twice, maybe not at all. That's not a crime. That's just human."

Kyungho grinned. "And hey, at least your mess is interesting. Mine and Woongki's history... it goes back. Waayyy back. Too far back for you younguns."

A ridiculous image of an aged Kyungho and Woongki sprang up in JL's imagination, and he laughed, a little teary-eyed, despite himself. 

Juwon chuckled. "You act like three years older is three decades." 

Kyungho smiled wryly. "Feels like it sometimes. But if you want my advice," he continued, "don't make this decision based on guilt. Or pressure. Or who's hurting less. Choose the one who makes you want to run toward, not away."

JL nodded slowly. "Then I guess I'll just watch Han. See if he shows up... or not."

"And Steven?" Kyungho asked.

JL looked down at his hands. "If he touches me again... I'm not going to pretend I don't want it. I won't pull away. I won't lie."

Juwon nodded. "Good. Start there."

Kyungho said, "If it goes somewhere more, and someone ends up hurting, learn to accept the consequences. But the important thing is you were honest with yourself."

JL nodded. 

He had just been given something precious. Advice from real friends who didn't care about his trophies or his competition scores. They had opened up to him and told him about their own experiences, just to help him navigate this confusing, heart-aching thing he didn't understand. He had never had that before.

He realized with a start -- that they had become his family. 

And for the first time in days, JL felt like he could breathe.