Hickies. Nick Robinson

4

I think it's been an hour since I've been sitting in the bathtub now, because of the soft wrinkles on my hands and the waters temperature had decreased. The candles seemed to dim a little more and the scent was slowly dying off. I've never felt so bad in my life. I didn't even want to wash myself, I just wanted to sit there for countless hours and stare at the tv screen that played nothing and the flicker of the candles that never stopped, just like the thoughts in my mind.

"Arika, it's time for lunch. You've been in there for two hours. Are you alright?" Barbara voice called, from behind the white and gold bathroom doors.

"I'll be out in a few minutes. Thanks, Barbara." I said, nodding to no one. I grabbed the towel hanging from the side of the bathtub, feeling the cold attack my skin as I stood up. Two hours it had been, and I hadn't even washed off all these thoughts. It was a battle now, between my mind and my heart, between what was wrong and what was right because oh gosh, these heart palpitations were making me wish that he wasn't just the boy who practically stole my virginity.

I twisted my hair into a turban with the towel and dressed myself in a sweater and shorts that Barbara had chosen for me. Before leaving the room full of the aroma of roses and lavenders, I thought about keeping Nick's shirt as a memory or something. But it was a bad memory, and it sucks that it doesn't even smell like him. Maybe I'll steal something next time? No.

Barbara placed the tray onto the table and begun to set the food on the table. "So, was that your boyfriend?" She said with a smirk playing on her lips. I rested my head onto my palm sideways and smiled softly.

"No, he's just playing." I told her. She cleared the last plate off the tray and in front of me. "But you like him, don't you?" She smiled. I didn't want to say anything yet. I was afraid of the wrong words slipping out of my mouth, and then trying to deny the truths by covering with lies that could destroy me. Barbara left the room and into the kitchen to place the tray into the washer.

"I like him," Barbara smiled. Between the silence and the soft taps of their flats against the tiles, I found myself whispering.

"I like him too."

I looked down at my lunch, potato & dill frittata with sour cream & smoked salmon. It was more of brunch, but I didn't mind. Barbara returned into the room with a smile plastered on her face, I felt like she had heard me whisper those four words.

The front door bell rang, and Barbara passed the table I was at. "Your sister is home, call me if you need anything." Another butler passed the hallway, and I felt like I was being drowned from all the silence around me. As if the silence was calling out for me to keep thinking and thinking and thinking about the situation and the real feelings I've been hiding. I didn't want to cover up with a lie, but I most definitely didn't want to spend my life with Nick, who is all about this sex and that sex.

I sighed to myself, I didn't know how things were going to be on Monday and how I was going to face them. Yay to three classes with him, and probably being actually in the same space twelve times a week. Thanks homeroom, thanks a lot.

----

Art. My only escape to this reality, had turned into a series of romance, pictures of lips against lips and hearts cut so deep they begin to cry. Nick was an influence to my art, my feelings were transferred onto the paper and now, I knew exactly what was going on, what was wrong and what I was feeling.

I like him, I don't understand why but I like him. He was running through my mind this entire time and my whole day consisted of my visuals of the possibilities of an us in existence. It scared me but I didn't know why I kept myself under the thought of us, it was dangerous and it was difficult but somehow, something inside my heart was telling me that he wanted the same thing. It was late in the afternoon, my parents had just arrived home and my homework was already sprawled out onto my desk.

It was midnight, my head was balanced on my soft pillow and the duvet covering my body as I thought of impossible scenarios of Nick and I. I thought I was growing crazy, there was obviously something wrong with me because this wasn't how the story goes, I wasn't supposed to be falling in love with the boy who stole my virginity and treats me like a toy. I'm crazy to do so.

An: this book is falling apart or is it just me