Exercises in semantics

Chapter 7 - Disparue

"Then do it. Get a pet, I don't know. But don't ruin yourself. And please don't tell me you want a romantic connection with that guy?" he said looking away.

"I don't know. I don't know if it's just physical or if there's something more. I don't know him that well but I feel this intimacy between us. Like I had known him for years. Fair, I had known him for years, but you know what I mean"

"I do. Does he though? And don't forget that he's involved with someone. That's on him, sure, but I can't see how this could ever turn out good for you" he said with a sigh.

"You know I never learn. I still think he's changed"

"Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have to be there for you every single time you make the same fucking mistake?"

"No. I'm sorry" my voice was starting to break.

"There are people that actually care about you. And not the dirtbags like Vincent. I wish you would wake up and realize that before we all do what's best for us"

Warm and salty tears were running down my cheeks, tightening my throat. I didn't know what to reply. After I picked up my things in a rush I was out the door, still with a huge painful lump in my throat. How selfish was I? I made my friends and family endure my bullshit, same one over and over again. I already knew that, and still, I didn't change.

I knew that the next morning would be busy and coldly professional, as if nothing ever happened. At least I didn't have to worry about that, but I still felt no relief.

After arriving back home I was on autopilot again. I flipped the switch inside of me that would make me functional again. Not feeling anything. Working away any feelings that might resurface.

The next weeks passed away in a blur. I was good with autopilot, I had plenty experience already. I had already had years at a time of this almost military-like eat, work, workout, sleep and repeat patterns. I wasn't unhappy, I was productive. But I wasn't exactly happy either. I would completely neglect my hobbies or anything demanding my creativity. And I knew it was just a temporary band-aid. I didn't wish to spend my entire life that way, ignoring a part of myself.

Josh appreciated my dedication to work and getting my shit together, but even he knew that this wasn't me. But he knew it was not his problem and that he should leave me handle it myself. I did appreciate knowing he would be there as a safety net in case things went really south.

I was best left alone during these times, it was a temporary period for myself to re-equilibrate and gather strengths before I tackle things one by one.

Vincent didn't write to me either, as if he could sense it too. That's what I wanted to believe, anyways. I completely ignored social media as much as I could, and kept communication with friends and family to the bare minimum. That was all I had the capacity for.

IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE, I WAS WORRIED – VINCENT

I just got back from the gym, since sports helped me feel something, and I looked at the message dumbfounded, the towel still in my other hand. I was surprised, but proud that I hadn't felt that all to familiar twist in my guys or the flutters in my chest. It was just that – unexpected.

I hesitated to ignore it and throw the phone on the bed, but at the last moment I stood there, and something in me, overconfidently, decided I could handle this like an adult.

I WAS BUSY AND TOOK A BREAK FROM THE SOCIALS. WHY?

I weighed the phone in my hand before realizing it was stupid to expect to hear right away. Knowing him he would probably play some dumb mind games again.

Coming out of the shower I saw another notification. It was a missed call from Vincent. That was very out of character for him. Was something going on?

I knew he would never call, but then again he was unpredictable. And I hated being called without a message beforehand unless it was a matter of life and death, and even my family followed this rule blindly. I was doing good and I didn't need his honey sweet and dripping voice to trigger me back into my old ways.

WHY DID YOU CALL? IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?

Suddenly, I felt bad in case it was an actual emergency and he didn't have any emergency contacts on this side of the pond. Maybe he was no longer with this mysterious girlfriend of his? Surely he would have other people to call in that case?

The racing thoughts of possible danger and me being an accomplice were soon dispersed with a new notification.

OH, YEAH, NO WORRIES. I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE THAT'S ALL.

I threw the phone onto the bed which rebounced with a huge THUMP. Classic Vince. He felt me slipping through his fingers and once he realized that playing hard to get isn't working he flipped the script and started playing nice. But he forgot one crucial thing, and that is that I knew him. Better than he wanted to believe.

There was another call as my phone rang somewhere between the pillows. No way in hell.

I KNOW I SOUND CHEESY BUT PLEASE CALL ME? I'M IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD? THOUGHT WE COULD GET SOME DRINKS OR WATCH A FILM

I glanced at wall clock and at the purple lined sky of the evening. Alright one drink, but only because he was insisting.

I put on a black dress with polka dots and some combat boots before going to put on some last touches on my makeup

Half an hour later I saw his golden locks bouncing on his wide shoulders down the street, a huge smile as he saw me. His eyes were warm and soft. I was trying to keep my cool.

"You missed me that much?" I said teasingly, looking him directly in the eye.

"I thought you disappeared from the face of the Earth" he said evading my gaze.

"Cocktails and then a film?" I asked giving him my coat to carry by reflex.

He took my silhouette in before saying "Of course. But we can't be too late. I know a place that still has the last daylight sun" before shoving his hands in his pockets with a shy smile.

We arrived at a non descript residential building. He must've seen my raised eyebrow because he gave me his muscular hand to lead me in. We climbed flights of old stairs.

"You know, this used to be my hobby back in the day. I loved going into any building I could find open" I said laughing for the first time in a while, trying to keep my giggle down for the neighbours.

"I know. We did a few of those together if you don't remember" he said pausing to wink at me, still leading me by the hand.

Aaaaand there they were. The flutters. Fuck this was all so predictable.

We emerged onto a rooftop garden with someone's clothesline hanging. He was not kidding, there was a perfect view of the last fading sun's rays. The air was ocker and yellow, fading into the amazing purples and pinks. It smelled of fabric softener and gardenias that were growing in one corner. My shoulders relaxed as I remembered my grandmother's garden.

He finally released my hand and handed me a bottle of Cotes du Rhone.

"It's the actual good stuff this time" he smirked.

"Ha ha, you know it's difficult to get the actual good stuff here" I protested.

"No no, I admire the effort. You know I always admired your taste" he said as the bottle gave up with a PLOP before pouring us the rich dreamy liquid.

I didn't reply.