Exercises in semantics

Chapter 7 - Disparue

I woke up with the relentless sun rays hitting my eyelids. I forgot to shut the blinds last night. Tentatively, I opened my eyes, protecting them with my hands. Judging by the angle, it was around 10 am.

I really need to get back on my weekend routine. It was hard enough to get it on track by myself, but Vincent really made me take a deep dive into my old indulgent ways.

Actually, I corrected myself, it wasn't him who did that. It was me. I let him, when I knew better. I sighed and got out of the bed to make some coffee. Suddenly, it dawned to me that we didn't eat or cook last night. Well, it was none the less intimate, but I couldn't help but dwell in this feeling of fake promise.

By reflex, I checked my phone for any new messages. None from him, but a solid number from Josh and a few from my parents and sister. Shit. I ignored everyone yesterday. That can't be healthy.

My heart beating fast, since I knew I fucked up, I glanced through them.

LIZ, PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE OK? CAN WE MEET UP AND SCHEDULE THE MEETINGS FOR THE NEXT WEEK? – JOSH

Oh shit, I forgot all about this. I felt a sharp sting picking underneath my ribcage. I was a horrible friend and an even worse co-worker. I replied to him in that instant, as if it would change anything.

I'M SO SORRY, I JUST SAW THIS, I HAD A HANGOVER YESTERDAY AND I DOZED OFF. CAN WE MEET THIS AFTERNOON?

I sipped my coffee trying to tidy my apartment in the downtime. The bedsheets had to go since they smelled of sin. They smelled of him to be precise. I closed my eyes for a moment recalling him snuggling me half asleep and the street lights going off. No. This had to stop.

I threw all the sheets and pillow covers in the laundry basket with slightly more zest than needed, buzzing around trying to ignore the existential dread, until I saw a message from Josh.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A LOT BUT YOU CANNOT JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THAT, LIZ! SEE YOU AT MINE AT 3.

Oooh, this was bad. The full stop at the end. And, most of all, he was right. My stomach was churning. I had to get my shit together. I started working on the next week's schedule and a draft for a funding proposal hastily, so I wouldn't show up empty handed. My brain was, unfortunately for me and everyone else, at its most productive under severe stress and pressure. The thing is, I never learned, because I always got away, and with flying colours at that.

After a couple hours of brainstorming and talking over each other excitedly, as we always did, we managed to make a stellar progress. I was trying to revive Josh's poor plant while he was in the kitchen making us tea. Tea was a habit I brought over here and spread onto my friends, the rare thing tethering me to my homeland.

"Alright Liz...I know you lied. I'm not angry I'm just...Don't lie to me, please" he said with a stern face, putting the teapot onto the table in front of me. The shadows cast on his face by the table lamp seemed all the more severe.

"I...I guess you can imagine what happened" I said avoiding his gaze.

"You know what, I'm not even going to react to that anymore. If you want to ruin your life, fine. I mean, not fine, I would be sad. But I won't enable it. I won't play your therapist either. I said what I had to say already, multiple times. I was there for you as you were for me. But this is crossing every limit"

Even though voice was calm and neutral, I could see it took him all he had to steady himself, and not sound angry or disappointed. There was a long moment of deafening silence.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I really crave having a connection with someone. A romantic one, sexual even. I just want...a hug" I said trying to keep my voice steady.