Bad Memory

~An Understanding~

"To take care of you, Shi," he finished, exasperated. "You won't eat, you won't sleep, you're slowly wasting away into nothing. I thought you might be more comfortable with your parents while you work through your grief. I wasn't trying to get rid of you; it was never meant to be permanent."

Everything that Ezra said was calm and rational. Caught without a clear way forward, I went back to pushing around my food on the plate.

After a period of silence, Ezra spoke again. "Shiloh, I know how it feels to lose the most important people in your life. But we have to trust each other. I've told you multiple times to be honest with me; you still refuse. From now on, there are going to be consequences for lying."

"Just for me, I suppose," I muttered under my breath.

"What?"

I stared back at him, defiant. "I know you lied to me."

Ezra's expression barely changed. His eyes remained trained on me, his mouth drawn into a thin, tense line... but for the briefest moment after my accusation, he flinched.

"Oh?" he said.

"Your whole story of how we met was a lie. You planned everything with my father ahead of time. Why? Did he pay you? Was there some promotion tied into it?"

Ezra sighed. "It wasn't like that, Shiloh."

"Then what was it like? You wanted to prove your power to the other generals by stealing a woman one of them had their eye on?"

"I stole you?" Ezra asked, amused. "Would you have rather been with General Quade?"

"No!"

"Then what is the issue?"

"That you don't want me!" I yelled. "It's been almost three weeks, and you still haven't even touched me."

The small smile immediately fell from Ezra's face.

"Forgive me for not recognizing your depression as foreplay," he responded, his volume still even, but his tone strained. "I suppose I should have taken you as you cried about your dead friend? Timed my thrusts with your sobs?"

"Fuck you," I spat.

As the curse sliced through the air, my hand flew over my mouth.

"I'm sor-"

But Ezra held up his hand to stop me. "They warned me you were a willful woman. I had started to wonder when I would see it."

"What are you going to do?" I asked quietly.

His options were nearly endless. Would he punish me? Drag me to the Council? Send me to the Sanctuary?

"Nothing," he answered simply.

"Nothing?"

"This is the most honest you've been with me. If I punished you, it would prove that you can't trust me. I told you that I wanted the truth, even if it upset me, and I meant it."

Ezra walked over to where I was sitting and knelt down next to my chair. "Do you honestly think you are ready?"

"No," I admitted quietly.

"Then why fight me on this?"

"Because I don't have the luxury of waiting. If I'm not pregnant by the end of this year, what happens? You get a new wife. I get sent to the Sanctuary."

"Listen to me, Shiloh. I am never sending you to that place."

"But you won't have a-"

Ezra placed his finger gently on my lips, causing me to fall silent. "I will not let them take you," he reiterated, his voice steady and firm.

He stood up and took my plate. "I'll clean up. Go rest."

I thought about protesting, but knew it wouldn't work. So I obeyed Ezra's command. I took my time, changing my clothes, washing my face, brushing my teeth, every part of my typical routine. But something was different. I felt something other than painful numbness: longing.

Longing to feel protected and safe. Longing for some kind of certainty amidst a world that became more confusing by the day. Longing to be close to someone, anyone, who could make me feel less alone.

So when I finished with my routine and finally worked up the courage, I tiptoed to Ezra's room and tapped on the door. "Ezra?"

The door whipped open before Ezra's name had fully left my mouth. His eyes darted around the hallway, alert, before finally settling on me.

"Are you alright?" he asked urgently.

"Oh, I'm fine," I said, startled and slightly embarrassed to have caused such concern. "Sorry."

We stared at each other, Ezra waiting patiently for me to say something, and me, too nervous to say it.

"Could I stay with you tonight?" I finally blurted out.

Ezra's serious eyes warmed. "You never have to ask, Shiloh."

He opened the door wider and let me into his bedroom. As he got back in on the right side of the bed, I approached the left with caution. Slowly, I settled into the bed next to him and stared up at the ceiling.

Why did I think this would help?

Every passing moment made me regret this decision more. Would Ezra think this was an invitation to complete our binding? I hadn't even thought of that possibility; I just wanted to feel less alone.

My concerns only grew when he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. A small squeak escaped me.

"Relax," Ezra commanded, his melodic voice warm against my ear. But the order only made my heart pound faster.

"Is something wrong?" Ezra murmured. It felt so nice to be pressed against him. I wanted to trust him, to give into this relationship. I wanted to not be afraid of being bound to him. But regardless of how good he felt, it didn't eliminate the nagging pinch of skepticism in my gut.

"Why did you lie?" I asked.

"Your mother asked me to. She thought that you would be happier thinking I spontaneously picked you. That it would be more romantic."

"I don't care about romance. I care about the truth," I replied.

Ezra squeezed me a little closer, seemingly in approval. After a moment, I turned myself around to face him. "Ezra?"

"Hm?"

"Can you make me a promise? That you'll tell me the truth, even if you think I won't like it."

Something complicated swirled in Ezra's dark eyes. Several moments passed before he responded.

"Based on the nature of my work, I will have to keep some things from you. But from this moment on, I will not lie to you. If you ask me a question I cannot answer, I will tell you that I cannot answer. Fair?"

"Fair," I agreed.

He gave me a rare smile. "Now get some sleep, Shi."

I turned back around, allowing him to spoon me once again. But even after Ezra's breathing became deep and even, I found myself wide awake.

The way Ezra flinched when I accused him of lying but relaxed when I specified the lie and the way he was careful to promise he would tell the truth "from this moment on"... Ezra apparently wasn't the only person who could read people. He had lied to me before, and not just about how we met. How many times and about what, I didn't know.

But I was going to find out.