Bad Memory

~An Understanding~

"Oh, Shiloh," she whispered, her face crinkling in disgust. "Is this what Ezra comes home to every night?"

I ignored her question to ask one of my own. "Why didn't you tell me about Lillian?"

"I didn't want to overwhelm you, sweetheart. I didn't think you could handle it." She looked up and down my body, disdain on her face. "Clearly I was right."

"I'm allowed to be upset about losing the only person who's ever been there for me."

My mother didn't even attempt to protest. How could she? She knew that Lillian's shoulder was the only one I cried on. My mother would have been too worried about staining her dress to lend me hers.

"Of course you can feel upset," she answered. "But look upset? No."

"I'm sorry my grief isn't aesthetically pleasing to you," I replied in a tone that I hoped conveyed how unapologetic I was.

"It's not me you have to worry about. It's Ezra. He called your father, begging us to take you back."

Ice blasted through my veins, freezing me from the inside out. Ezra wouldn't betray me like that-would he? If he had a problem, wouldn't he tell me the same way he expected me to tell him?

"I know, honey," my mother continued. "I'm sure it hurts. But can you blame him with the pathetic way you've supposedly been moping around? You are throwing away your chance at happiness. Is that what Lillian would have wanted?"

The ice in my veins immediately melted from rage. My mother never liked Lillian. She thought Lillian was an irresponsible lower-class girl who would hamper my chances of making an acceptable match. To hear her use Lillian to serve her own agenda infuriated me even more than Ezra's betrayal.

"The next time you try to use Lillian to manipulate me is the last time you set foot in this house," I threatened.

My mother flinched, then burst into tears.

"I'm just trying to help you, Shi," she sobbed. "I risked so much to get you and Ezra together, and you're going to throw it away?"

My mom set me up with Ezra?

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.

"Is he not a good man, Shiloh? Is he not handsome and a good provider?"

"Mother, what do you mean you got Ezra and I together?"

My mother wiped tears from her eyes. "Well, I couldn't let you end up with Quade. Not after..."

"What? After what?"

My mother ignored my question again. "I convinced your father to support Ezra. If your father had backed Quade, no one else would have dared bid on you. But once your father chose Ezra, it gave you the chance to be with someone else."

I thought back to Ezra's explanation of how we met. For a man who extolled the values of honesty, one of the first things he said to me had been a lie. This hadn't been love at first sight. It had been a carefully planned decision made by my mother and father that Ezra had, for whatever reason, agreed to go along with.

"I only did it because I love you," my mother added. "If you don't make this work, Shi, they'll send you to Quade or the Sanctuary. And I can't lose you again. I can't."

With that, she descended into an inconsolable fit of tears.

She was right. I had lost sight of how important it was to be the perfect wife. My husband wouldn't have to face the consequences if our marriage failed; I would.

I looked at my mother, who seemed so much smaller than when she had entered my house. "I need you," she whispered. Not a demand, but a confession.

It wasn't the first time I had seen my mother like this. My father was demanding and cared little for others' feelings. And when my mother would cry from his callous remarks, I was the one to comfort her, to repair the few pieces of self-confidence he always managed to shatter. My mother may not have been there for me, but I had been there for her.