Bad Memory

~Welcome Home~

“Shiloh.”

My head shot up at Ezra’s voice, which he had raised for the first time since we’d met. I found him looking at me, his eyes a deep mess of thoughts I couldn’t decipher.

“I asked if you were alright," he explained.

“Oh!” I said, plastering a shiny smile across my face. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you so much for helping me.”

“Nothing else is bothering you?”

Without thinking, I shook my head. Ezra sighed.

“Do you know what a tell is, Shiloh?”

I shook my head again.

“They’re things we do that reveal our feelings, even when we try to conceal them,” he explained. “For example, when you’re frustrated, your nose flares slightly. You rub your thumb against your index finger when you’re scared, the corner of your eyes crinkle when you’re happy, and when you lie, your cheeks get the smallest hint of pink and you tense your muscles right here.”

Ezra ran his finger gently against the back of my jaw, close to my ear. The lightness of the touch caused my skin to erupt into goosebumps.

I may as well have been naked for how exposed I felt. He had known me for a day, and he could already read my emotions like words on a page.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I just don’t understand, Shiloh. Is it really that difficult to tell me the truth?”

“Yes,” I blurted out.

Ezra’s expression changed, but once again, I couldn’t decipher it.

“Explain."

“I’ve been trained since I was a child that my number one job in life was to make my future husband happy," I told him. "Telling you what you want to hear is what I’ve been conditioned to do. I know you want me to tell you the truth, but if I think the truth may annoy you or upset you or hurt you, my instinct-“

“Is to lie,” Ezra finished. “I see. I'm not upset with you. But we need to break that habit, starting now. What is bothering you?”

“I just…” I began before stopping. It was hard to get the words out. “Are we bound? Fully bound?”

My inability to read Ezra’s expression was going to drive me to madness. His dark eyes masked whatever he was thinking. I had to just wait for his response and hope that he was as honest with me as he expected me to he with him.

“Not yet,” he finally answered.

Sweat beaded on my forehead, and my heart thudded against my ribcage, reactions I was now certain that Ezra also noticed.

“Okay,” I said, my voice coming out squeaky. “I’ll just finish up the dishes…”

My voice trailed off. I spun back around to continue washing, but Ezra stopped me.

“Shiloh, I have no intention of taking you tonight.”

His words sliced through me, the cut more painful than the one on my hand.

You’ve displeased him. You’ve failed.

“I can change my clothes? Or put on some make-up? Whatever you want.”

“What I want is to not sleep with you tonight.”

“Why?”

"You’re not ready.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t matter. As a bound man, I am yours. You have the right-"

“I know my rights, Shiloh,” Ezra cut me off. “I’m choosing not to exercise them.”

“Why?”

Ezra waited a long time before answering.

“My parents loved each other more than life itself. That’s what I want to have with you, Shiloh. I want a love that defies logic and transcends limits, a love that cannot be translated into words, only felt in the deepest parts of our souls. I don’t want you to love me because you have to. I want you to love me because you choose to. Rules and obligations are important, but they can’t create that."

This was the most Ezra had ever said to me at a time, and the words were as beautiful as they were foreign. We ended up bound to men because it was our duty: Elysia needed to be repopulated after the virus had killed so many. The idea of romance existed, but deep down, we all knew it was a lie we told ourselves to cope with the reality of not having a choice.

But now I was second-guessing that belief. Because what Ezra said sounded wonderful. I wanted it to be true, wanted to believe it was possible to have that kind of relationship.

Ezra took a step closer, the proximity sending chills through my body. His eyes lingered on me, the tension almost painful. I wasn’t sure why I was so uncomfortable, why I felt an ache in my body unlike any I had felt in the hospital. But suddenly, I understood: I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it so badly that it hurt.

“Go rest,” he instructed me. “I’ll finish up in here.”

Thankful to have the spell broken, I retreated to the room with all my things. The feeling of desperate, aching need that had come over me frightened me. But the familiarity of the items around me gave me solace.

As I looked around, a small book on the desk caught my attention.

Journey to Virtue: the Elysian Woman’s Manual to Perfect Submission.

The Manual contained a chapter for each Principle of Virtue – the instructions for becoming the perfect wife. It was also the book that Lillian and I used to pass notes to each other during class. I opened the Manual and found an exchange complaining about our teacher in the margins. Just seeing Lill's handwriting calmed me. I laughed as I read through the notes. Lillian wasn’t a great student, but she had the sharpest wit I knew of.

“What are you doing?” Ezra asked. I looked up to see him leaning on one side of the room's doorframe.

“Just looking through messages from my friend, Lillian,” I answered. “Would it be possible to see her tomorrow?”

Sadness suddenly clouded Ezra’s face. “I didn't realize you had forgotten…I’m so sorry, Shiloh."

"Sorry about what?"

Ezra’s expression remained somber. He was always serious, but this was different. This was like when he told me about his parents.

The realization hit me fast and hard.

“No,” I breathed.

“Shiloh…”

“No,” I repeated more firmly. “No.”

“Shiloh, I’m so sorry.”

“No!” I screamed, tears flooding my eyes. I brushed them away angrily. Ezra put his hand on my shoulder, but I tore away from him and sank to the floor, sobbing.

Ezra sat next to me and pulled me to him, but this time, I didn’t push him away. “No,” I kept repeating softly as Ezra held me and rocked me back and forth.

“It’s going to be okay," he murmured as he rubbed small circles on my back.

But it wouldn’t be okay. Nothing would ever be okay again.

My best friend was dead.