Not Without You

Chapter 8: Deep Thoughts

Phil's POV

My fingers jitter and then I speak. Not looking at Dan looking at the camera.

"When we got home I was about to go to bed and pulled back my covers to find this note so I put it away without reading it cause I knew it wouldn't be good." Lies. "What were you doing looking through my closet anyway?!" I shout looking at the camera like I was looking at future Dan.

Getting what I was doing Dan turned off the camera which forced me to look at the current Dan.

"I heard that you were keeping stuff from me. You know how I feel about lies Phil. Your my best friend and I don't want anything to happen that you can't trust me with." Even though I had just totally flipped out his voice was calming. Even though I was ment to be angry at him my heart couldn't help but do the flippy over thing.

"I-i know" I stuttered, my eyes watered and my whole body shook. My breathes turned shaky and I couldn't look at him anymore. His brown eyes killed me.

I never saw him leave but I could feel the sense of security I had leave and the warmth next to me was replaced with cold air.

It never occurred to me how much you could miss someone even when they were right there. How much you wanted to hold them and tell them how much they mean to you. How much you loved them. Dan was my everything. Without him I was nothing.

'Don't do anything stupid.' I could hear him saying like I had told him. 'Don't do anything stupid when I'm gone.' By gone he almost certainly ment dead.

'Not without you.' It was deja vu with reversed lines. Reversed lives.

Even though I hadn't said it out loud I planned for the worst and that second sentence rang through my mind and I could tell in that moment in the hospital room Dan could read me and my every thoughts. He knew that I said that without me having to say it.

He knew me too well.

Then a thought came to me.

Feminist Phil...

It rang through my mind as I realized all the times I had ever been one.

I didn't notice the signs till now but maybe. Just maybe. For once. I was the one who got it right. Not Dan. Just maybe.

Maybe I was but I had no proof. Jenny was a problem that couldn't be solved.

Even though it was proof to me that never seemed to be proof for anyone other then me and occasionally Dan.

But not this time. He wouldn't believe me. He'd joke that I'd been watching too much TV and he wouldn't take it into consideration.

She can't be stopped.

Or can she.

What if your wrong!

I will be. I will always be wrong but that doesn't matter.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about. If I leave she can't hurt me. Problem solved.

This wasn't me speaking to myself anymore though. I can't hear myself inside my head.

Oh no this was Dan. He was with me even if he wasn't.

He was always up there. He was half of me. The smarter half. The half that could get me out of trouble. Not this time.

Getting up slowly I stand up straight and look back at our names.

"Not this time." I mutter to myself. "Not this time"

What I learned from the short travel home was some things were better said twice then once.

Twice was reasurring. If the first time didn't give you hope the second time would.

Once was pathetic.

As I payed the driver I noticed the dash had a picture of a woman and 2 kids.

Family.

Without giving it a second thought I walked back into the apartment and straight into the bathroom. Ignoring all of Dans calls.

I sat on the floor of the small bathroom and pulled something out of my pocket. A small blade from a pencil sharpener.

I had used it a couple times. When I had to have a cut on my arm for something in school. The trend was started and I almost started cutting for real. I was depressed but it was my own fault.

Then I took into consideration all the people I could be affecting. It might not have seemed like alot to some but to me 1 person was 1000 and Dan? He was that one.

You can stay strong. For me?

It was his voice again. He wouldn't leave. My head was him. My thoughts were him. He was me.

But no. If I started I couldn't stop and I promised myself to never start. The pain for others would be to bad. If I started it would get worse and that's what I wanted but that's not what others wanted.

Once again Dan had stopped me. For now.

I didn't realize how long I had been in the bathroom until I heard a slight cry from the other side of the door.

It was Dan. He usually kept his emotions bottled up for no one to see.

Unless he thought no one could see.

I stood up making as much noise as possible with my slender form and it was enough for him.

Shoving the blade into my pocket I open the door to Dan flinging his arms around me.

"I-i- I thought you'd given up. I th-th-thought you'd left me"he whispered into my ear through shaky breaths.

"Never." I spoke back. "I promise"

I could feel his speeding heart slow a little bit and he pulled back looking me in the eyes.

"Never?" He confirmed.

I shook my head. "Never"

Though I had just put a smile on my face I could hear Dan in my head.

I thought you'd given up. Bummer. I could have been happy with Jenny.

This small sentence that made no sense still shook me in ways I could never have imagined and as I walked to the kitchen to help prepare dinner I never would have imagined how much my life would change in the next week.

Never in a million years would I expect what would happen if I lied to not only everyone around me but also myself.