Strings and Schemes

Chapter 24

Our night ends how it started, peacefully, quietly, calmly.

We're laying on my mattress that we've pulled from my bed to the floor of my apartment; smoking a joint so casually, doing the things that normal college kids do together. I take another mental picture, knowing that these are the kinds of things I fantasized about - more than any crazy night out, or wild kinky scheme with Louis.

I fantasized about this moment; the feeling of just being with someone.

"You're thinking far too loud for the amount of weed we have smoked, Jaan." He turns towards me, pulling me into his chest. I don't even try to resist, blame it on the marijuana. But truthfully, it only enhances what I'm already feeling for him. The melting.

"Are you going to share your loud thoughts with me? Or leave me in the lurch?" He pokes.

I chuckle, "I was thinking about, well." I cut myself off. "It's slightly embarrassing," I say, trying to cover my face under the blankets. But instead of pulling me up into the light, he crawls under the blankets with me, raising them slightly so we are more comfortable. He looks me in the eyes, a soft smile creasing them.

"Then let's talk about it in the dark, nobody else to see you here."

I feel like exploding, how has he figured me out so well?

I take a big breath before I sputter out in one sentence, "whatdoyouthinkofthewholesleepingwithotherpeople-" he cuts me off, laughing.

"I wondered when you'd ask me about that, today seemed like a good day to talk it all out." He kisses me softly.

"Sorry," I say sheepishly, embarrassed by my own embarrassment over such a simple, but delicate question.

"I just... I feel like we should talk about things. About Louis. About," I hesitate, feeling the weight of the conversation before it even begins. "Other people."

Zayn nods like we're in a business conversation, or is he just calm?

"Okay," he says simply. "Let's talk about it."

I take a deep breath, is it supposed to be this easy?

"I am worried about other people," I say, he nods encouraging me to continue my thought. "I know we started in a very.. different way."

He smirks. "I replay some of those scenes over in my head, seeing you so drunk on sex."

I flush, "Stop it," I groan, "I'm trying to be brave and say what I need to say."

He smiles softly, "okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop."

"I don't really want to be with other people."

I pause, trying to gauge his expression. He doesn't look jealous. He doesn't even look particularly bothered. Just... patient.

"When I needed an escape, he was always there," I continue. "It wasn't love, or even anything close to it, but it was easy. No expectations, no rules. And now, with you... it's different."

Zayn nods slowly. "I know it is."

I swallow hard, forcing myself to be honest. "But that scares me."

His gaze sharpens slightly. "Why?"

"You see too much, you know too much. And the worst part?" I exhale sharply. "You let me have you anyway."

Zayn tilts his head slightly, studying me. "That's the worst part?"

"It's dangerous," I admit. "I don't want to become the person who takes and takes until you have nothing left to give. I don't want to be that person to you."