Zephyr Strings

Kabanata 10

It's noon in Brazil right now, that's why receiving a call at this hour from her didn't make me nervous. 

"Hello, Nanay Rona," sagot ko sa tawag. 

"Hello, Vic. Nasaan ka ngayon?" 

I looked around before walking towards my McLaren. "I'm outside right now, but I'll be heading home after this call. Bakit po? Kumusta po si Tanner?"

"Maayos naman si Tanner, hija. May itatanong lang sana ako..." 

"What is it?" I leaned in my car, and I took a cigarette from my pocket. 

Nilagay ko iyon sa pagitan ng aking mga labi at sinindihan. Some cars passed me by, and there are also newcomers. I exhaled slowly.

"Tumawag sa akin ang mama mo. Pinapaayos niya ang mga papeles ni Tanner. Nang tanungin ko, hindi siya nagsabi kung bakit. May alam ka ba roon, hija?" 

Pumikit ako at muling humithit ng sigarilyo. For sure para iyon sa pagtira nila rito. But what will they do? Akala ko ba ayaw nilang mag-asawang patirahin ang anak ko sa iisang bahay kasama sila?

My mother's mind is very complicated. I can't even read her. I often misunderstood her words and actions. Kaya hindi ko alam ang plano niya para kay Tanner. 

"I have no idea, Nanay Rona," I lied.

I don't want to give my son false hope. Sigurado ako kung sasabihin kong baka dahil isasama si Tanner sa paglipat dito sa Pinas, agad niya iyong sasabihin at aasa ang anak ko.

"Hindi ko alam ang tumatakbo sa utak ng nanay mo, Ludovica. Nabanggit niya sa akin na kukuha siya ng bagong nurse ni Tanner at taga-alaga mula sa Pilipinas. Sinabi rin sa akin ni Nurse Macy na kinuha na ng mommy mo ang copy of records ni Tanner sa doktor niya." 

I was right, then. They will bring Tanner with them. 

"I will ask Mommy about this, Nanay Rona. Please call me if something happens or she tells you something."

"Sige. Huwag kang magpapagutom diyan, ha? Ibababa ko na, mag-s-siesta na si Tanner."

Huminga ako nang malalim at binaba ang tawag. I threw the cigarette in the trashcan. Walang kurap akong pumasok sa aking sasakyan at pinaharurot ito pauwi sa bahay. 

I am not a confrontational person. Maybe I was. But after those failed confrontations and disappointments I had in the past, I've learned that addressing problems head-on doesn't always yield positive results. I think sometimes it’s wiser to sidestep conflicts, even if it means accepting the risks of unresolved issues.

Kaya ngayon, sa tuwing may problema ako, pinagsasawalang-bahala ko na lang ito o hindi naman kaya ay hindi ko na haharapin pa. It is what it is. That's the saying I believe in after everything. Because no matter how damaging the problem I'm dealing with, in the end, the people around me will blame it on me. 

"Ginusto mo 'yan."

"Malandi ka kasi."

"You asked for it."

"If you were a decent person, such a thing wouldn't happen to you." 

"You're the problem. Maybe you have to change yourself instead of playing the victim to the situations you brought upon yourself?"

Those words are the things I received after trying to ask for help with my ordeals. So what am I supposed to do? Facing them is like asking another problem. 

These past few weeks, I was so eager to avoid my mother after our argument. Pero kung magpapatuloy ako sa ganito, baka magulat na lang ako na isang araw ay nasa Pilipinas na sila.