A Step Closer to Me

A Fragile Vulnerability

Roman brought his hands in front of him and pretended to splash himself in the face. His actions, along with the story, caused everyone to start laughing.

"While it didn't ruin my clothes, my hair was dripping for the rest of our trip. The staff working the event were super apologetic, but I just thought it was funny. I ended up getting a plush whale from the gift store to commemorate The Great Splash."

Laughter around the table increased in volume as people used their imaginations to picture the scene Roman explained.

Jensen, on the other hand, silently watched. His expression and smile softened ever so slightly. His gaze dipped below eye level. Rather than solely indicating a desire for a kiss, it appeared he also appreciated having an unobstructed view of Roman's wide, uneven grin. A certain warm, dreamy look on Jensen's face gained life in time with Roman's nose scrunching up from accidental seagull-like squeals.

Wynter made a comment about how Roman would make a nice sea animal. Her cute, innocent statement was followed by Dorian pulling out his phone to draw a silly cartoon whale with Roman's face on it.

The artwork was met with hyperactive cackles. Roman found himself cradling his midsection with how hard his stomach was clenching. He wiped the corner of his eye to keep tears from falling down his reddened face. Both cheeks started to ache from how big his grin was.

Jensen continued to simply watch.

*

"Goodnight, Kay."

"Goodnight, sweetheart. See you in the morning."

Roman flicked off the hallway light after exiting the bathroom. The light scuffle of his house shoes muffled the sound of chirping crickets outside. His hands sought refuge in the center pocket of a fleece blanket-hoodie. A quick peek over the shoulder revealed how the twins had already fallen asleep, so he made sure to close his bedroom door as quietly as possible.

The television was off. The only adequate source of illumination came from the balcony door where the faint glow of streetlights came from.

Jensen was sitting against the headboard, closer to the wall. A familiar stained glass ceramic cup was filled with a steamy helping of freshly brewed green tea. The mattress was patted in a silent request for snuggles.

Roman climbed into bed, pulling the covers over his lap. He sat close enough for their sides to be pressed together. An arm draped around Roman's shoulders. He accepted the tea and rested his head in the crook of Jensen's neck. Roman melted into the embrace with a relieved sigh.

Short coughs escaped him and were met with gentle grazes along his scalp.

"Thanks for the tea."

"Course. I know you like it more when I make it."

Roman hummed in agreement. "I had fun today. Going out. Sharing stories."

"It was the first time you ever talked about your old friends in a positive way. And so openly," Jensen noted.

"It's still hard. Looking back at the good times we actually did have- and thinking back to how we ended up. How they chose to have us end up." Roman shrugged. "I know we can't control when certain things end. But it's why it's been hard for me to move on. To let myself get as close to other people the way I want. Or, in some cases, at all. They didn't treat me the way I deserved. I just can't ignore the fact that, for a while, they did treat me better than anyone else. And I latched onto them so tightly, I excused their mistreatment out of fear of losing them. Out of fear of being alone in the end."

"Yeah. I get it." Jensen glanced at Roman with a patient look on his face. "And because I know what you mean, I hope you believe me when I tell you how much of a disservice it is to do that to yourself. Yes, you got into relationships that didn't work out. But you shouldn't give those people the power of preventing you from making newer, better connections. There's nothing to gain from staying guarded, keeping up your defenses, and forcing yourself into a constant state of isolation. Not when doing so makes you lonely. The people who really want to be there for you will be. You just have to find the strength to give them that chance."

Roman wanted to. The fun adventures he had with his new friends, the amazing memories forged with each family dinner — Roman was constantly given reasons showing him why it was okay to move on; why it was safe for him to reach out despite being wronged by so many people in the past.

He just...

He was still afraid of being hurt again. He was still terrified of the prospect of losing the ones he cared about, and it somehow being his fault.

"I want to trust you, Jay," Roman told him, echoing the thoughts he had the night they shared their very first kiss. "I wish the things I went through didn't scar me so badly. I wish there was some sort of off switch I could push to stop things from making me feel so conflicted."

And just like that night, Jensen didn't push for more than was comfortable.

"Keep taking your own pace. You've had people telling you what to do your entire life, Ro. I think you should finally do what you've always wanted by taking a chance for yourself. Whatever that might mean to you. My arms are open. So, leap into them. And I'll hold your hand as we fall together." Jensen smoothed his fingers over Roman's cheek. "Whenever you're ready."

"How long are you planning on waiting for me? Legitimately?"

"As long as you need me to." Jensen answered, certain. "You're worth that to me."

Roman further relaxed into Jensen's side, taking hold of his shirt and gripping it tightly.

"I believe you."