Invisible String |

Chapter One

10 MONTHS LATER

Its ten past midnight and the sound of rain hits the windows, wind blows against them, rattling them in their panes. I'm sitting on the couch nursing my infant daughter. Her small hand is coiled around my hair, tangled and matted surely. I look down at her, her beautiful blue eyes and button nose, her honey colored hair identical to mine. I take a swig of my coffee. It's cold. I watch her eyes shut and a feeling of relief floods through my body. Slowly, very slowly, I peel myself off the couch and lay her tiny body in her bassinet, I tiptoe my way into the bathroom pulling off my shirt and shorts, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is tangled around my shoulders, my face is pale and the bags under my eyes have become dark purple. I look like i've been through the ringer. My fingers trace the scar on my neck, a twinge of pain stings my skin as I do. I pull my finger away and sigh. I hated the whole summer, wearing long sleeves to hide the seven inch scar on my arm, purple still. I'm grateful its november now.. Even behind bars, Cesar still tormented me. I stepped into the shower, feeling the hot water cascading over my body. I shampooed, conditioned, and combed my hair. I must've spent thirty minutes in there, applying body wash three times. When I stepped out I looked at the mirror again I recognized myself. It had taken months, for the bruises to heal, for my body to regain it's strength. Battling morning sickness, a broken arm, and being covered in cutes and scratches had broken me down in ways I couldn't understand. As I wrapped myself in a towel I listened for the sound of Aleida crying, nothing but silence. I sighed in relief. I pulled on a pink tank top and grey sweatpants. I curled up on the couch, pulling a blanket over myself. Finally falling into sleep. 

--------------------------------------------------

The man may have almost taken my life from me, but he also gave life to my beautiful baby girl. Every time she laughed, or even cried, I was grateful, grateful he gave me her. Because I could've hated her, but I couldn't. And if I had to go through all the abuse 100 times over just to have her, I would without a question. It was the first of november, which meant my ebt had hit. And we needed food. When morning came, and I'd gotten maybe an hour of combined sleep I started coffee, and dressed Aleida in a pink winter onesie and a pink hat on her head I dressed myself in jeans, a black long sleeve and a grey sweatshirt. I strapped Aleida into her baby carrier and pulled up the hood of my sweatshirt, I was tired and probably looked like i was on day five of a meth bender. Opening my car door I strapped my baby into her carseat and started the car. It was cold, and I hoped I'd dressed her warm enough.

the grocery store's iridescent lights felt blinding, and the sounds of shopping carts rattled my brain. I didn't like being in public, especially with my still infant daughter, and I found myself looking over my shoulder, feeling like there was a target on my back.  I bought more coffee, frozen pizzas, microwavable meals for myself, and formula for her. As I walked into the cereal isle Aleida began to cry, I bounced her against my chest, hard to do when pushing a shopping cart and having her strapped to my chest. I picked up a box of cereal, chocolate o's, I glanced at the price and reach up to put it back, this made my daughter even more upset and she began to sob more. Suddenly a man's voice says: 

"Need a hand with that, looks like you've got a lot on your plate?" I turn around, he's tall, with black hair and dark eyes, almost the color of his hair. I'm looking up at him.

"Yeah, yeah sure." I say, grateful he wasn't here to tell me to make my daughter shut up. He takes the box and places it back on the shelf. I continue to bounce her as best I can.

"sorry about her." I say, heat rising in my cheeks. He shakes his head.

"it's okay, we all get upset don't we?" He says chuckling, I laugh a little. It feels nice, this might be the only interaction I've had with someone lately that doesn't involve my financial state of decay. I thank him once again, and move down the aisle, anxious to get this shopping trip over. As I walk away, I can feel his eyes on me. Not in a weird way, maybe he thinks I'm pretty, although that's debatable. 

After the grocery store, I have to drive twenty minutes to the welfare office, seeing as I have nobody to watch my child, and no college degree I have to rely on the government. As I walk in a blast of warm air greets me, I feel gratitude for at least that. Aleida's asleep now, after embarrassing me in the grocery store. I stand in line for what feels like three years, i feel terrible being here. Being a number on a scale, another statistic, another lowlife who can't make her own money. Having to rely on something that's not me is how I got in bad with Cesar. The woman hands me the proper forms and I sit down to fill them out, I glance at the people behind the counter, with their lives all perfectly together. I sigh and look down at my daughter, its for her, everythings about her. And I will run myself into the ground if it means she's cared for. It's no longer about me. I provide all the documents nessacary, my proof of income (lack thereof). Staring at the forms I feel heat rise in my cheeks, every question seeming to be a reminder of what I don't have. Unpaid rent, Utilities, ebt, After I've filled out the forms in record time, I hand them back to the woman at the counter.

"Since this is an emergency/distress application you'll recieve a notice in the mail in a few days, if approved you'll receive benefits right away." She says. I thank her, and leave promptly. 

I took the long way home, even though my car was close to being on E and I had eighty dollars to my name. I took the elevator up to my apartment instead of the stairs, my whole body felt heavy, reminding me of the heaviness my pregnancy had made me feel. My whole body ached, down the hallway to my apartment I noticed boxes and movers delivering things to the apartment directly across from mine. I shrugged it off, it was going to be loud and annoy me . But I'm sure that's how the neighbors felt about my crying child.

Once home, i laid Aleida in her bassinet and collapsed on the couch. I reached for an old cup of coffee, wondering when the last time I'd gotten a full night of sleep had been. It was then, my mind drifted to the nights with Cesar when everything was falling apart. Remembering when I would try to sleep and he wouldn't let me, he'd blast music or touch me, or make me have sex with him, anything to prevent me from sleeping. I sighed, trying to shake off the feeling. During my pregnancy my nights had been full of nightmares, waking drenched in cold sweat, once Aleida had been born I wouldn't allow myself to sleep, despite moving halfway across the city to escape him I used to envision him bursting through the door, and taking my life. I shuddered remembering those fears, fears that still resided deep in my heart. But, I would not allow myself to feel anything. Ever since her birth, I'd been in survival mode, protector mode, always thinking about the next day, whether I'd have money to put food on the table for her or if things would turn dire.

I'd afforded the apartment with money I wanted to use for college, I'd saved it, working since I was fourteen had given me a hefty savings, but after paying rent, food, and my hospital bills, I was left with nothing, and no job. I sighed, rolling onto my side, listening to the sound of the movers and voices asking where things should go, there was something to be said about how thin the walls were. I felt myself drifting into a peaceful sleep.