Paint you Wings (Destiel)

Chapter 8

Dean wasn't alright. He hadn't felt alright, no matter how hard he tried to get rid of the feeling of Lisa making him uncomfortable. He couldn't get rid of the pictures in his mind, the fear that was practically burned into his memory.

And no matter how hard he tried, Castiel couldn't do anything against it. He hated that feeling of not being able to help his best friend, of not being able to make him happy.

And he did try his best. He sat next to Dean, listened to the scared boy whenever he would talk (what rarely happened since the incident), made him go outside, brought him something to eat, helped him through his panic attacks - all in all he just tried to be a good best friend.

But sometimes the best wasn't enough - exactly that was happening in their case. Castiel's best couldn't make Dean forget about what happened, what made his already hard past even harder.

Additionally to the nightmares of his father came the ones of Lisa which resulted in Dean not being able to sleep at all. He now wore deep purple bags under his eyes, often dozed off only to jerk awake seconds later. He talked less with every day until he someday completely stopped. His weight had dropped increasingly, only making his brother and Castiel worry about the already way too thin Dean.

But what should they do? They couldn't really do anything - Dean was too stubborn to actually realize that he couldn't do this on his own and that he should accept the help of his brother and his best friend. He would bury himself even more if they just mentioned wanting to help him or that they were there for him no matter what.

What they didn't understand was that Dean knew Sam and Castiel would be there for him. He knew that he was hurting them. He knew that it wasn't healthy to not eat or sleep. He knew he should talk about his problems and his fears. He knew that this wasn't a solution for his problems, he would only make it even worse if he didn't find the guts to talk about his problems already. Hell, he knew that this wasn't something he could manage to do on his own.

But how should he do that? Talk about his feelings? He had never had the possibility to talk about himself, he always had to be there for his younger brother, he always tried to please everyone... and so he often forgot about himself. He always hid his feelings, always tried to make everyone think he was fine, tried to make everyone believe that he didn't have any problems when he sometimes couldn't even breathe.

Another reason of not talking, besides the one of burying his feelings, probably was the fear of Sam and Dean's father. The old man had always been stricter with his older son, always punished the poor kid whenever he showed the smallest sign of a feeling. Dean had practically been raised to be a soulless soldier, one that only followed orders and didn't do something on his own accord. John Winchester had tried to do the same to his younger son too but Sam had been too stubborn, always rebelled against their father. The old man often got angry because of that, tried to make Sam pay for his mistakes but then again there had been Dean - loyal and protective.

Suddenly Dean had an idea - he couldn't talk about it when it was about himself but what if he just tried to wrap it up in the story of the boy he had been creating? Of course, Cas knew that the boy was Dean but that didn't matter to the blonde. The story would help him, would make him able to actually deal with his feelings, even if it just was the story of a boy with the same history.

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"Dean... please. Let me in, I'm scared and Sam is as well. We want to know that you're safe and didn't do anything to yourself.. just.. please."

Castiel stood in front of Dean's door, begging his friend to open once but he knew that wouldn't happen. He had already tried so often, tried to make Dean realize he wouldn'thave to go through all of it alone but not even once he had been let in. The door to the room he had wanted to enter had always stayed close, so why should it be any different now?

To his surprise he heard the key being turned, the door was unlocked. Suspiciously he opened the door - slowly, as if he was waiting for it to be a trap. But nothing happened and he could enter the dark room.

Dean had put the curtains shut, shut out all the light - the world. He felt more comfortable and safe in a dark room where none of his fears could enter. The only downside was that all of his fears couldn't exit as well, meaning that he had to deal with some of his worst nightmares. And since he shut the world out nobody could really be there to help him out.

That was why Castiel had been so surprised at the open door. But he chose not to dwell on his suspicions and rather took care of Dean who obviously needed someone that held him and told him everything would be alright.

He wanted to do that as Dean suddenly spoke up - quietly but still loud enough for Cas to understand.

"I want to tell you the next part of the story."

Cas was taken aback - he had almost forgotten about the story and that it was Dean's story. He had actually thought Dean wouldn't tell him anything anymore so he was just a bit more curious at how the story would turn out. Additionally the conviction in the blonde's voice made Cas think that the other trusted him more than anyone else - after all he was the one Dean was choosing to trust - and that the blonde actually wanted to get better.

He quickly sat down on the bed and wrapped an arm around Dean's shoulders, pulling him close and smiling softly. "Just start whenever you're feeling ready, yeah?" He said softly.

Dean closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Now there was no going back but he was glad that he had that kind of pressure. Now he had a reason to talk about his feelings and couldn't back out like he usually would. After a few seconds he finally felt like he was as ready as he could be he started - quietly.

"After the fire they moved around a lot, didn't stay at one place for too long. John had his mind set on finding the person who caused the fire and kill said person. He had just lost his wife, the only woman he could ever love.

He just seemed to forget that his sons had lost their mother. The younger brother was still too young, couldn't remember anything about Mary anyways, but the older son was a completely different story.

He didn't understand why his father suddenly changed completely, why the man suddenly didn't smile at all or why he always seemed to lose his temper. The young boy also didn't understand where that bitter scent his father was radiating was coming from. He just knew that the brown liquid in the brown bottles his father was drinking smelt exactly the same and the one time the blonde boy tried a small gulp he instantly felt like he would get sick.

Additionally the older did choose to not speak at all anymore. The events were just too traumatic, left him scared and he didn't have anyone he could go to, nobody that held him and told him everything would be alright. Of course, he had his younger brother but his brother was just 6 months old, couldn't speak anyways but the older had to take care of his brother since the younger couldn't take care of himself and their father didn't care about their future anyways.

After a few years of constant drinking and not finding his wife's killer John came to a horrific conclusion: his oldest son probably was guilty and to blame when it came to Mary's death. John showed his son that he despised him, that he would rather have his son dead than his wife.

And the older son believed him. He believed that he wasn't worth being alive, wasn't worth of living or having a family. The poor boy soon fell into a never ending spiral of self hate and self doubts."

Castiel looked at Dean with wide eyes, didn't know what he should say to comfort his friend. The story of Dean's past made him realize how lucky he was, that he should have appreciated everything he had gotten sooner instead of acting like a prat.

Dean, on the other hand, felt a bit better, now that he had told Castiel something about his past. He hadn't finished his story yet, he probably never could but he was on his way to get better.

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A/N: Hey guys!

I'm sorry for the long wait between the chapters but I'm just.. I don't know.

I won't promise quicker updates or anything, I'll just say that I update as quickly as possible.

Love you guys, stay awesome!