Love Never Dies (an Unconditional student/teacher romance)

Chapter Fifteen - Baby of Mine

Chapter Fifteen - Baby of Mine

9th September, 2007, Goodbye Sweet Child of Mine.

Machines beeped around me. Patients of St. Paul's hospital were bickering over their favourite soap opera in the main room, and footsteps echoing down the corridor could be heard.

As my hospital rooms' door opened, my eyes - like green lasers - locked down to the eleven day old baby which slept silently in her non-needed incubator. She was my daughter. My daughter! This didn't seem real to me just yet. The instant bond which mothers feel with their child straight after they are born appears to me a myth to me. I didn't feel it. I was missing something, something which was starting to hurt when I thought about it. About him.

"They're waiting, Miss Anderson. Are you ready?"

I looked up to the midwife who was between the hinges of the door, and noticed behind her there was the two flowers I had perfectly arranged for my daughters future. The blonde woman - who was unable to bear children due to a tragic gun shot through her womb years ago - shot me a kind smile. The smallish man behind her copied her smile, both anxiously awaiting for my response. These were my daughter's future parents.

"Let me say good bye first, please?"

The midwife Ella nodded then closed the door.

I thanked her mentally and slowly rose from my bed. I took hold of my daughter. I looked into her sleepy eyes, and before I knew it, I was cradling her.

Her average newborn features did not differ from all the other babies I had seen. Sure, she was beautiful, but she just looked like a newborn. What was wrong with me? Why did I not have this bond? Has my heart turned black? As shocking as this may sound, I had my doubts of loving the child. I unconditionally loved her father, but I was unsure if she would bring me more pain. But she was not to blame. She was, after all, my daughter, yet I was only twenty. I was a pathetic excuse for a human being!

What would Adam say if he were to return from Iraq and I brought forth my baby? He would kill me, and no doubt her too.

Speaking on behalf of her father and I - who I would make sure knew nothing about our daughter until the very end - I kissed her forehead and whispred, "We love you... Always!"

The midwife entered into the room again, followed by the anxious married couple who were staring at me pitifully. Ella took my daughter from me, slowly.

"Her name is Leonie! Please keep her name! Give her what I couldn't!" I shouted, moving towards the door, still in my hospital gown. "Leonie!"

"Leonie Kerr... Thank you, Ruby! You've no idea how much... how much love we can..." The woman was tearing herself up. Her husband, whatever he was called, carried on for her and said, "You've no idea how much love we'll give her, honestly. Thank you!"

He took Leonie from the midwife and put her gently into the carseat which was by his foot. With caution, he took hold of the maclaren carseat and led his sobbing wife slowly down the ward.

That was, deep down, harder than I imagined. It took every muscle in my body to not break down and grab her back.

I ran to the window not seconds after Ella left me. I pressed my pale skin against the glass and searched for them. Casually a blue car, which I knew was theres, began to pull out of the carpark and drive away. They were now in posession of the only living memory I had of Dr. Andre. The only existence left.

I was in the latter to figure out that after Adam's return from Iraq - which was one month later - I had turned into a morbid, emotionless and bitter young woman.

Not even twenty yet I was now missing the two main things I yearned most in this world. The love of my life and our baby girl.

And why, you might think, did I giver her up for adoption? Because I wouldn't be able to cope with it. With her. The contious heartache would be too much, shredding me to pieces all over again, just like it did when I was fifteen.'