celestial | review shop

🌟 (4) Drinking Under Moonlight 🌟

book by carelesswillow.

Cover & Title - 3.5/5

Okay, there's a lot here to analyze, and it's only worth five points on this scorecard, but I'm going to dive in regardless.
With the title, Drinking Under Moonlight, I don't get why you didn't choose to input the word 'the' Drinking Under the Moonlight, to me it would make more grammatical sense, and create a more drawing title. I feel it would always add a sense of mystery to your title. By adding 'the' you could create this ominous feeling of what the moonlight is symbolizing, which I feel was the initiate attempt.

Let's talk about the Cover. I really love all the detail in the background image, I think it's portraying a lot of the story ideas. The only warning I have with it is to watch the coloring. The white font on the very light background sometimes blends in. Specifically, the "ing" of Drinking. I also think you could do more with your username in the bottom corner, there's no need to include the '@' symbol, it's just chunky and takes up room. If you're going to use your username, exclude the @. I also think there's probably a better font for you to use. I think a calligraphy font would look wonderful on par with the title font, and the mood of the cover.

Blurb - 2.5/5

I mean this is the kindest way possible, but I'm utterly confused. There's a lot going on in this blurb, but I don't understand any of it. The first sentence is very hard to read, it feels like words thrown together, not exactly a sentence at all. I do really like the hypothetical question at the end of the first paragraph in the blurb. It's a good apostrophe.

I think we can clear up some of the flow issues in the blurb by rewording a few sentences.

Yet the face of the prodigy of the rival sect annoyed him to the point of spitting blood! → "Yet, the face of the rival sect's prodigy annoyed him to the point of spitting blood!"

I've changed this up just a little by adding a comma, and moving a few words around, this creates action, and adds a better flow to the sentence.

The very last set of sentences doesn't seem to flow together. I recommend removing cultivation from the first sentence and instead leaving it as "..youthful cultivator and the mysteries of the world."

Plot - 9/10

After reading the prologue and first two chapters, I feel like we really haven't uncovered much. We learned that Nian Zhi is the only disciple of his master, but based on the blurb I feel like we haven't hit the main plot yet, this isn't necessarily bad, it's good to have a slow burn up of plot, just make sure the story that you do have is necessary to the plot.

Flow - 3.5/5

The flow isn't necessarily bad, it flows pretty well in fact, but I feel like the plot itself in the flow is quite confusing. In the second chapter, we go from beautiful nature sceneries to dialogue pretty quickly.

Characters - 4.5/5

The characterization of Nian Zhi in this opening chapter is very well done. You present him as a man who's driven and willing to do anything, but also at the same time you offer his limits. For example the fact he desperately wanted the herbs, but the bidding was getting out of hand, thus signifying that one of his traits was going to have to give.

I feel the characterization isn't as strong with other characters, but that's an easy fix.

Details - 8.5/10

In the very first sentence, you present the reader with the first bit of detail, an insight to a clothing choice, this is subtle, and well-done.

You use similes to push your sentences far beyond the words that are physically written.

One thing I think you could improve on is the environment. I feel like I'm not being sucked into the world, only because the world isn't actively described. The first scene is a bidding war, but what's the surrounding area like? What's the rest of the people doing? That kind of stuff can elevate a story.

The second chapter is far better than the first in terms of description, the first few paragraphs pull the reader into the world of fantasy, taking us on a unique journey. Well done my friend.

Grammar & Punctuation - 14/20

In the third paragraph, I've noticed a few grammatical mistakes, I'm going to point it out and provide a fix for you. You use a non-restrictive phrase, meaning the story would flow without it, but include no punctuation.

Nian Zhi did not want to give up on the batch of rare herbs which was currently in the spotlight → "Nian Zhi did not want to give up on the batch of rare herbs, which was currently in the spotlight."

Here's another spot with this same mistake. "The reason is the fear of The Qing Cui sect which is one of the most powerful sects in the world!" this sentence should be "The reason is the fear of the Qing Cui Sect, which is one of the most powerful sects in the world!"

In addition to the comma, I also changed the capital's around, there's no need for the word 'the' to be capitalized here, yet the word 'sect' needs to be since it's a part of the Qing Cui Sect's title.

I've also noticed this when you mention the other sect in the second chapter "The Tranquil Stream Sect" is all capitalized since it's the title of the sect.

- When you include dialogue, make sure to always include punctuation.

"He retorted "650..." → "He retorted, 650.."

- Another thing I've noticed is tensing areas. Make sure you keep your tensing consistent throughout the entire sentence.

- This mountain is veiled in mist, secluded from the outside world, and embodies a sense of peaceful isolation and harmony. → This sentence should look like this: "This mountain is veiled in mist, secluded from the outside world, and embodied a sense of peaceful isolation and harmony."

- Since you're using the past tense in the rest of the sentence "embodies" should be "embodied" to make the tensing with "veiled" and "secluded"

Overall - 45.5/60

Part of the reason I review stories is to find new books to read and better my own writing skills, while reading your book I found a potential new story to follow. I absolutely love BL stories and feel they are under appreciated and under excepted in this community. I wish you the best of luck as you continue your writing journey, as a reminder everything I've said here regarding content is my opinion, you don't have to agree, I just ask you leave me a comment knowing you've seen it! Good luck on your continued writing journey, and thank you for requesting a review.