ce·les·tial/səˈlesCH(ə)l,səˈlesˌtēəl/
belonging or relating to heaven
in life, nothing is ever perfect, and there's always room to improve, my job is to help you grow as a writer
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Cover - 2.5/5
Based purely on the cover, I'm not sure I would click on this story. As someone who's read it, I think you could make the cover more personal by adding a title or a subtitle to the cover. Even something as simple as "Redamancy" and underneath it "A Fred Weasley Fanfic", and don't forget to add your name, as a writer you should be proud of your work. I think the background image suffices to be the back of the cover, it just needs some words to draw people in.
Title & Blurb - 6.5/10
I love the play on the title in the blurb, "the act of loving someone who loves you back", a beautiful way to start the blurb.
I don't think you need to list Syria's full name in the blurb in the tagline, it feels a bit wordy, I'm sure Syria Noir would suffice.
In the following sentence, instead of "A young girl in France" it would work better as "Living as a young girl in France," placing a comma after 'France' and starting with 'living'makes it into a phrase.
Instead of "Suffered abuse from the church", I think starting it with "After years of severe abuse from the church's leaders in the girl's home," the reason for this again being so that it forms a phrase.
I love the mystery surrounding the bottom of the blurb as well. It draws the reader in. The blurb is very solid, and I think honestly you could enhance it by adding in a section of dialogue between Syria and someone else.
First Statement/Hook - 5/5
I always love it when stories start with dialogue, it always adds a sense of dramatics to the story. In this case, the dialogue doesn't fail to deliver this shock. With the usage of her full name, it enforces a sense of shock onto the reader. 'What's going to happen to her?' 'Is she okay?' Based on the blurb we know the church treats her poorly, so I believe you've done a great job with this hook.
Grammar & Punctuation - 7/10
There's a few grammatical issues, nothing too distracting. I can point out some here to help.
"After the rest of the girls receive their letters," this is a phrase, make sure you include a comma after this since you're using it to transition into a sentence.
I have noticed there's a few spots where you use 'and' instead of a comma and present-tense verb. Here's a spot and a solution to the issue. "I kick off my Marry Janes at the entryway and walk to the small window and open the bug bitten curtains." Here's a fix for it, "I kick off my Marry Janes at the entryway and walk to the small window, opening the bug-bitten curtains."
Make sure you hyphenate "bug-bitten" since you're using both words to describe the curtains.
In the next paragraph you have 'twin sized' bed. Again, here's a spot for a hyphen. "Twin-sized"
On a different note, I notice some inconsistencies with past/present tensing, again this is a super easy fix. I think having a proofreader or even just a second set of eyes would make all the difference. My best friend reads everything I write for me, and does a great job of finding the little things I miss.
First Chapter - 8.5/10
The first chapter has a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. It's a huge information dump, and it's immediately a heavy topic. On a completely honest note, it feels like more of a prologue than a first chapter. It sets the scene, but doesn't actually tell the story. I feel like the third chapter is an actual first chapter, the second chapter is very short and feels almost like a filler, and the one before that, like I mentioned, feels like a prologue.
Overall - 34.5/40
You know I've been reading this story for some time. I genuinely enjoy it! I live for OC Fanfictions considering I write one myself, but I feel you're doing an excellent job of creating a character that fits into the world. Keep up the fantastic work, and remember that everything I've put here is feedback to help you improve, nothing to be taken negatively or in a bad way. Thank you for asking me to do this.
