The Moon And Her Sun

Day 11🤍

You know those days we would have where they just seemed to be a lot harder than others? Yeah I think today's one of them...

I can't work because I'm sick but I don't want to just lay in bed anymore, sitting still is only making it worse; not the sickness, the pain.

Some days I feel like it's getting better but then days like this come and I'm reminded it's never going to actually get better, it'll be easier on some days but it won't get better.

I'm so tired of wondering what your doing and who your talking to, tired of feeling sick in the stomach knowing your love is mirrored to another, tired of waking up early for you even when your not mine anymore...

But the worst part is that I'm actually not tired of that at all, why? Because when your in love you'd give your entire soul to be wrapped up within the warmth of their embrace, because for the rest of my life when I wake up at 6am I'll know it's your 2pm, because wondering what your doing doesn't actually tire me out, it only ignites salty tears, a ping in my heart and a wish I'm not quite sure will ever be granted.

Today's a really hard day for me, today it feels like the first day, today I'd give my soul to have one more minute with you...today I'd kill to know you still think of me, to know you still have faith in us...

I brought this clip when I was away, it caught my eye when I walked by the markets, a sun and moon in the shape of Yin and Yang, it's attached to my phone now, impossible to not see and feel every second of the day...

I can barley get up today, I haven't felt so sick in months, my skin hurts and my muscles are in pain, I'm freezing and all I want is your hand on my forehead rubbing my hair away, so as I lay here and as I've been laying here I've been stroking it back myself, pretending it's yours, pretending it's your body beneath me, pretending I won't have to live another day without you.

I forgave you for everything, I still do, but lately I've realised, there's one thing I'll never forgive you for...

I had one wish in life, one you know, it's to have children with a man I love, to have a healthy loving family, that's all I want, nothing more nothing less...

That was the only dream I've ever had, ever will have, and you knew this, so the one thing I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for is taking that dream away from me...not physically, but emotionally...

Because for the rest of my life, I'll never get to experience the happiest of marriage with a family gifted from the sun and moon, why? Because it won't be with you...
That dream became a two part when I met you, it's like life without death, impossible to be one without the other.
Maybe one day it will be with you, but that's a new dream, a dream I think may only ever stay a dream...

I'm starting to hate looking at the photos I saved of you; not because I hate you, but the complete opposite...I hate looking at them knowing I'll never get to see that face in real time, feel your skin, hear your voice again, see the sparkle in your eyes when they glisten in the sun...I hate how much I love you...

I hate how still, my eyes somehow have more tears left to cry from your absence, I think they always will...
Each night before I go to bed I just pray and pray that the pain will go away, that we'll be together again in the future, this life, this future, under this sun, this moon, that I won't have to wait for my next life to be with you...but even so, I'd still wait...

You showed me your thorns and I showed you hands that were ready to bleed, you showed me your blazing soul and I showed you a body willing to walk through hell for you, you showed me words and I showed you promises, you showed me barbed wired hands and I placed my heart inside, prepared to bleed out for you...still even after knowing the outcome, I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't change how much I gave to you, I wouldn't change how fast I responded, how much love I gave, how much time I gave up for you, how many promises I made, how many mornings I spend awake for you...I wouldn't change any of it, because if I had it would only be a deceiving act towards myself, because not doing all those things is not who I am, I wanted to give all that to you and I still do, and that's who I am, who I always will be for you, no matter what, no matter where, no matter who your with, no matter what your doing, no matter the difference between us, no matter the distance between us...
I'll forever be in here, waiting, just incase...not a minute ever under the title of wasted, a life waiting for you isn't wasted; only lived knowing I did what I loved most, searching for the only person I want...
I'm going back to sleep now, closer to you and further from the truth...
13/5/24

10:18am