i'm sorry, mom.

I forgive, but I'm sorry.

Mom, I forgive you for making me fearful of failing everyone. Mom, I forgive you for making me feel guilty about anything, even dropping a glass of water. Mom, I forgive you for me, not being adventurous enough. As you always reprimand me, for not being stupid and exposing myself, to any possible danger. Mom, I forgive you for me, for not being able to speak out because you always told me to be quiet. Mom, I forgive you for me, not feeling enough to try something new because you always made fun of my ideas. Mom, I forgive you for all those moments when your words made noise at the back of my head to stop me, from ever achieving something. 

But I'm also sorry for ruining your entire life, I was not in your plans. I'm sorry for not achieving the dreams that you once had in your youth. I'm sorry for not being the entrepreneur of your dreams, and rather being a girl whose only wish is to be a happy wife and mother. I'm sorry for wishing to be the mother, whom I wanted you to be. 

How did we ever achieve this situation where my protector became the one to hurt me the most?

How?...

I know you never hurt me physically, just slapped me a few times for behavior that you considered inappropriate. Let me remember the reasons... Once, I simply did not want to swallow a pill. I mean, it is not a stupid reason... Was it something beneficial for my health? That does not apply to physical abuse. Right? 

I also remember that time I was dancing in my room, and I felt, hitting my mouth. My teeth hurt my lips, it was painful, so I cried for help. I can remember your face, turning red with anger, and you grabbed me and slapped me multiple times, meanwhile, I was bleeding. You only did it because I was stupid enough to hurt myself? That does not apply to abuse. Right? 

But now I wonder if you were liberating anguish by "disciplining " me. Was that, the reason?

Because looking back at those scenarios, I would have never done to a child, who I loved with my entire soul. Yet, Mom, I forgive you. It was not your fault. Maybe, you were repeating a pattern of abuse. Or maybe, you just needed to release that anger somewhere, so you didn't lose your mind. 

It is ok, Mom. I will still forgive you, even if I remember all those things, my promise to forgive you will prevail among all these letters, I write to find the reason for all those years. Years that I carry as a burden. 

I just want to clear my mind and find the reason for our pain. We need to heal together. 

It is time for us to grow up, and finally walk down the right path. 

I love you, mom.