Until my last breath

30

3rd of August
Nice, France

"Here you go Charlie, for your little hangover." I hand him his cup of coffee as i take a seat back in the car. "Thank you." He breaths out, his head leaning on the window. "jesus I feel terrible." He grunts.
He really does look like it too. His hair is a mess. He definitely wore the first thing he saw as soon as he opened his closet. I can see the sleep draining his eyes and his skin pale as a ghost. Not suitable for what we're doing today
"I can tell. Why would you drink so much knowing how early you're waking up next day." "Just drive. Your voice is making the headache even worse." I roll my eyes at him. "Fine. I just wanted you to look a bit more presentable for today. You know how much today means to me, to both of us I hope." I mutter.
"I know it means so much more to me too. But i also won yesterday and wasn't planning on just celebrating it on my own-." He stops realizing how far he's taking his words. I'm at loss for a response. I press my lips together and nod slightly not daring to look him in the eyes after what he just said. "Come on you know I didn't mean to." He tries to grab my hand but i yank it away. "I'm driving Charles." I say sternly. Thats enough for him to give up for now at least.
I know he didn't mean it that way but i can't deny it hurts a little. I'm still struggling. I'll probably drop it in a few minutes but just not right now. He needs to be more cautious with his words.
The rest of the ride remains dead silent. I stop by the flower shop and grab 2 bouquets for the both of us before heading to the main destination of the day.
As soon as we make it there i waste no time to climb out of the car wanting to get this over with. Charles follows with the flowers in his hand.
We walk side by side silently. "Wanna go first?" Charles ask his gaze still on the headstone. "No i have so much to say. You better go first." I walk the bench thats seated a bit far away to give Charles his space.
It's a great day. The sky as blue and clear as it can be. The air mixed with the smell of the salty beach near by. The birds chipping and the sun shining through the green leaves seated on the trees everywhere. I keep admiring the view while Charles haves his moment. Few minutes later he comes over and signals for me to go ahead. I grab the flowers from the bench. Trying to gather up my words i find myself in front of the grave. His grave is surrounded by all kinds of stuff. Pictures, bracelets ,letters. I run my hand on the flowers decorating the stone .That has been decorating the same stone for the past 5 years. My hand feels the water on the stone indicating that it was just washed. I lay the flowers down and take a seat on the step. My hands make one last round on the words graved.

In the loving memory of Jules Lucien André Bianchi.
1989-2015
A loving son, brother, godfather and friend
"I did what i love till my last breath" 

"7 years huh." I chuckle. "Weird. I can still hear you giving me lectures about staying the garage when you're in the car." I chuckle remembering how upset he used to get with me whenever i left the garage unaccompanied. I go silent for a few minutes overwhelmed with all the things i want to say. Not sure where to start. "I made a new friend that has been helping me a lot." I start lightly. "He's very nice and the only one who seems to understand me now but i don't think I'll see him again." My fingers start dancing together. "I also made amends with lando even though there are still some things we need to work on in our so called friendship." I say referring to the way he behaved last night. "And uhm. I lost mummy Jules." I say it quickly trying not to hear my own words. "I lost all of you." I whisper my eyes filling with tears. "And once again I didn't get to say goodbye."
The ugly reality i live in.
The one i always try to partly deal with while ignoring the heaviest parts of it. The actual grief i try daily to fight away. I hate the feeling of locking myself up and ghosting everyone. I did that for a month and I know without the people around me I probably would've been in that same place.
" i can't say I'm alone because thank god i was blessed with so much love and support. That however doesn't make me miss you, mom and dad any less. My family just swept off my heart like that." I sob looking down at the picture of us four thats sitting right in front of the stone. "It can't be real that you all left me alone that soon."
"god J if you were here, so much would be a lot more easy." I wipe my tears away. "ugh whats wrong with me. It's a nice day why am I bringing the both of us down like that." I shake off the emotions.
"Look what i got you." I fish in my back pocket and grab a mini version of the trophy i won yesterday. "I did it Jules. I did it. I almost lost everything yesterday. But i felt your presence and did it. I did it for you J." I place it down next to the many other trophies from all the previous wins. My hands go to the first trophy i ever set here. It was my under 12 Karting championship. The last championship Jules mentored me in. We used to head to the circuit every day for months even when it was a race week. He always took couple of hours of his busy schedule to prepare me. We spent so much time working on this win. We were both so excited for the race and I was more than ready. He was so determined to get me first on the podium among all the boys I competed against.
And he succeeded.
He however didn't get to see me win it.
To the trophy is a piece of paper attached. I unfold it and the first thing that catches my eye is the date.

3- august 2014
Bonjour J,
I'm writing this as I'm sitting next to you by your bed. You've been sleeping for so long now, can't wait for you to wake up. I won the championship Julie! I won it!
Allez wake up so i can show you the pictures. I hope you're dreaming about something funny.
And Happy birthday. Mummy and I blew the candles for you this year. Wont be doing it again.
Je t'aime beaucoup
- ta Rio.

I smile at my hand writing. I was turning 11 at the time and my handwriting was a mess to say the least.
This was exactly 8 years ago. The first year without Jules. Well he was there physically but long gone spiritually. We had so much hope for him to wake up. I visited him almost every day in hope to see him waiting for me. I was however the only one who was waiting. For nothing.
Every year since then I wrote him a letter every birthday.

This year is no different. I grab the letter i spent the whole night writing in my room yesterday and tucked it onto the new trophy. "you know I'm no good with speaking. But somewhat manage to put words on paper. This is for you."
I get up a gesture for Charles who is seated on the same bench i was seated on to come over.

"You have it?" I ask him.
"Can't forget it." He takes out a small birthday candle and lights it up.
We both start singing for him.
"You blow it." Charles commands me.
"We do it together. 3 2 1." We extinguish the flame and I clap cheerfully. " you know I'm sorry?" I nod. "Good cause I really am. Ready to go?" I nod again.
Charles starts making his way to the car.

I stare at the grave for one more second.
"Happy 7th birthday in heaven my Angel."
And with that i leave.

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I know very boring chapter but it felt important to give you guys a deeper dive in the relationship between them.
Also please keep in mind that the dates and ages don't add up.
Don't be silent readers i beg comment on anything you find good or also bad.