The Wicked Witch with Versace Wisdom

Chapter 1

The only things I hated more than early Mondays was werewolves and bloodstains on a new outfit. I glanced at my visitor's downturned lips and the deep lines on her forehead before removing my Burberry coat and hanging it behind me. Out of reach from any damage. The woman looked calm enough for the time being, but werewolves weren't known for their easy-going nature. Not to mention that I tended to bring out the worst in people. It was a gift in many ways, but not when it came to preserving the integrity of fabrics. The werewolf placed her hands on her lap, which was covered in a lovely silk skirt, and went straight to the point.

"We need you to find someone, Miss Blyth", Lady Dupont said. It was impressive how much snootiness could be preserved into a simple request. I eyed the older woman from my place across the desk. The one in my office, mind you, even if the woman wanted to act like she owned the room. Her expensive makeup wasn't enough to hide the dark circles under her eyes and her brown hair was tinged with grey. I already knew something must be very wrong for the Lady of Dupont House to be darkening my doorstep but based on her appearance this was more serious than I first thought. Or perhaps she just needed a better stylist. I made a mental note to give her the number of my coiffeur before she left. Which hopefully was sooner rather than later.

"Funny, I thought I was blacklisted by the divine Dupont's." I placed one finger on my chin and leaned back. "Or perhaps that was another noble werewolf family that threatened to use my intestines as floss and create little figurines with my bones. And over a simple misunderstanding at that." I was paraphrasing. The Dupont's was many things, annoying and resentful being the main ones, but they weren't clever with threats. Unlike me who always went above and beyond to make sure my growing list of enemies was properly insulted. I must admit I was more than a little surprise when I saw Amira Dupont standing outside my office this morning. I was less surprised when I watched her harass my assistant Theo for ten minutes. The last time I met a member of the Dupont house was when I was rudely thrown out from their annual festivities. If I was invited, or responsible for throwing a crown prince out of a window, is neither here nor there. I will however say that certain nobilities should be more careful about soups around beautiful Gucci dresses if they wish to avoid bodily harm. The older lady growled menacing. The structures of her face started protruding and sharpening as the wolf came out to play. Her dark eyes turned a shade of urine yellow. I reached back and petted my coat with soothing strokes. Don't worry, my darling. I won't let the big bad hurt you.

"You are lucky to be alive after that little stunt. Trust me. If there were any other choices besides you two, any at all, I wouldn't have stepped one foot into this wretched place." She raised her nose up in a way that was meant to show superiority. With her face messed up it just looked like an unfortunate dog sniffing something.

"Well, that bodes well for me when it comes to negotiating the fees." I looked around the office, slightly perturbed by her comment. I couldn't afford rent in the nicest part of town, but I had put in a lot of effort into making this space welcoming. There was a nice rug on the floor. A few good quality chairs and lamps scattered around. I even hanged up some abstract stuff on the wall that some might call art. Not to mention, before my cleaning lady got beheaded in a horrible accident that I took no responsibility for, this room was cleaned semi regular. "Wait. What do you mean by you two? I work alone. Unless you meant Theo, but the boy is more of a paperwork type. Not suitable for fieldwork unless you enjoy the smell of vomit. Which, you know, I'm not kink shaming or anything but that's not normally the vibe." Lady Dupont took a few deep breaths. And then some more. After a while I became worried and started to look for some smelling salt or soda to throw in her face. Luckily the older woman found her voice just as my hand closed on a tin of thumbtacks.

"You do realize that, were it not for your particular talent, I would kill you right now for simply being an insufferable rogue twat?" That talent she referred to was finding. Most witches had the ability to locate missing objects with the help of boards, chants, and crystals. I simply seemed to stumble my way onto them. It came in quite handy when it didn't get me kicked out of my home and shunned by every witch in the state. Never lost any socks though. "You will be accompanied by another who is currently severing under the house of Dupont as an exchange with the vampire counsel."

"First, Rude. Second, I refuse. To put it in terms you might understand, I'm a lone wolf. I don't play well with other pups, neutered or not. And it's quite preposterous of you to speak to me like this when I haven't agreed to help you yet. And now I shan't. You can go. Shoo." I waved my hand in the universal sign of Get the fuck out of my office, bitch. My pride is not for sale. Amira Dupont raised one perfectly formed eyebrow. The wolf had retracted slightly so only the tip of her nose and the lower jaw was looking a bit off. I did the gesture again.

"We are willing to offer you two million dollars", she said. My hand stilled in the air. "A few hundred thousand as a starting point and then you will receive the rest when the assignment is completed. If you need anything work related during the time of the assignment this will be provided. Within reason of course."

"Deal." Okay, so it turned out my pride could be bought. Blame capitalism. "I need a Tiffany neckless. For work purposes, of course. The one with a diamond set heart in rose gold. And..." Amira Dupont interrupted me. For such an extinguished lady she really needed to work on her manners.

"Don't you want to know who you are looking for?" I sighed.

"Fine. Who's gone missing? And, more importantly, who is the vampire that will accompany me to the Gucci store on fifth? For business purposes, of course. Full names and blood types would be greatly appreciated." People who helped me with work had a bad habit of being maimed.

Lady Dupont rose to her full height. The chair scraped against the floor as she pushed it out of the way. She looked almost gleeful for the first time since stepping into this office. It was a warning sign I was willing to ignore for the sake of money and cute clothes. Or at least so I thought.

"My nephew, Lord Barthelemy. We are not currently sure if he's being held captive or staying away by his own volition, but he needs to be returned for a scheduled betrothal as soon as possible. Failing to do so will cause much embarrassment to the Dupont household. We don't like being seen as fools. You and miss Jovanovic would be wise to keep that in mind during all of this. Complete this with discretion and swiftness." With those parting words the older woman marched out from the office, leaving the door wide open. I could see poor Theo run for cover behind his makeshift receptionist area as she passed. I waited a moment before grabbing the closest thing within reach, a book about moths, and throwing it against the wall.

"Are...are you okay, Miss Blyth?" Theo carefully poked his head through the door. His blond curls were standing like an electric halo around his head. The brown shirt on his upper body had been washed until the colour was a bleak imitation of its former glory. I did not hire this kid because of his fashion sense.

"I'm fine. Don't I look fine?" I grasped another book, this one about the making of ancient swords, and shucked it at the window. It just bounced back. "I'm perfectly fine, Theo. Just because I fantasize about skinning a certain werewolf alive and hanging her body up for tiny birds to pick on does not mean that I'm not fine. I'm actually finer than fine. So fine." I laid down on the floor and rested my cheek on the carpet. It smelled slightly musty.

"Eh, okay then. Can I get you a tea or something?"

"Of all the fucking Dracula cosplayers in the world, it had to be Dragana Jovanovic. There are so many other vampires in the area, and they picked the one who can't even keep a cactus alive. Did I tell you about that? She killed my plant, Theo. Drowned it to death. Suffocated it with tap water. And now they want me to work with her? I hate my life." Theo cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"I'm just going to go... and find some chamomile."