𝑳𝑼𝑺𝑻𝟺𝑳𝑰𝑭𝑬.

AS YOU ARE.

Nov, 25. Saturday, 8am.
Pov: Abel Tesfaye.

The bitter cold was harsher this morning. Normally I'd be out here piling into the car, telling Ali she can't have a dog, making sure Lily is okay, all the normal things. Instead I'm outside alone having a smoke break. I haven't had weed in my system for years. I wanted to be better for my daughter. I failed her already and I need this more than anything right now. I think I'm going to unenroll Ali from pre-school. I've been receiving emails about how her attendance is getting worse, she didn't even wake up this morning. Usually she'd be up, because her Saturday art class was the one she couldn't miss.

I wrapped up my session and went inside to find Ali on Carmen's hip as if she were just a baby again. I decided to keep quiet for a while and watch since I didn't have anything to say anyway. As she turned around to set a dish on the counter her eyes went wide for a split second. "You scared me." She approached me. "Where'd you go?"

"Just needed some fresh air." Ali reached out for me, so Carmen handed her over and went to eat her oatmeal. In the past few years I became very fond of the apple cinnamon flavor. My mom used to try so hard to get me to even take a bite, but there was no way I was eating that. "You wanna go to art class Ali bear?"

I took a seat upon the barstool rocking her back and forth while studying her facial expressions for any little sign of the normal her. I was hoping she'd speak or at least give me one word, all she did was shake her head and was right back to lying her head on my shoulder. I guess today I'll unenroll her. "I'm going up to her school today."

"I think she could really use some time off. She's like. . . too quiet. Maybe even her speaking to a counselor could help her out," she said, shielding her mouth. We all got ready and into the car to head up to her pre-school. There was only a little bit of waiting time as her counselors were more than ready to speak with us. They were even surprised to see Carmen here.

"It'll be sad to see her leaving. She was such a bright girl, but if your minds ever change please never hesitate to come back," she said, grabbing the door for us. "And Abel, I'm truly sorry." Her hand lightly patted my back. I thanked her before meeting with Carmen in the parking lot.

"I think I'm going to head back to therapy. I feel like I failed Ali and I just can't do it anymore. I'm so lost right now."

"Abel." Empathy pulled her head slowly to the side. She brushed her finger over my cut that was just barely forming a scab. "Sometimes you can be hell or whatever, but you're doing the best you can. I wouldn't say you failed her. . . you probably just let her down. It's nothing you can't fix though. You can pull it together."

She gave a small smile that made my heart flutter. This felt weird. To have her this close, having her company and attention longer than a few word exchanges. It's like stepping into a world I'm lucky to even be in. I like Liz, but I love Carmen. I'm not sure what I want anymore, but I know what I need; support and help. Lifting her chin I closed my eyes, going in for a kiss.

Her lips were soft and warm like a bed you just can't leave in the morning, like a fire that'll burn you if you get too close too soon, like home where I belonged.

____________________________
Nov, 25. Saturday 8am.
Pov: Elizabeth Grant.

Staring at her I couldn't help but wonder how I'd been so dumb. This isn't her. Not my mother. My mother's eyes were full of life, full of love she was ready to hand out without question. Her eyes are lifeless with the mind of a goner. It looked as if she was unfamiliar even with the word love. She might as well have actually passed on. Rakim grabbed my hand. He insisted he come along for emotional support. I will admit he has helped a fair bit.

"How's the marriage thing going?" Making conversation will do much more good than sitting here and being up a spiral of stairs about it.

"Actually, it's quite alright. I think I found a girl I actually love." I could tell he was trying not to get all soft on me right here while I'm in pain, but I knew a smile wanted to poke out and that's perfectly fine. Who am I to rain on his parade.

Dr. Earl stood in the doorward beckoning us to follow, so we got up following him through the quiet hallways towards his office. I sunk into the plush but firm brown armchair bracing myself for the oncoming news. Though I knew it'd be something hard to fathom I was ready for whatever wanted to hit me.

He shuffled behind his desk having a seat adjacent to us. Flipping through some papers he began. "Your Mother Sandra Grant has early stage dementia, type 2 diabetes, depression, anorexia, and samples of her blood contained evidence of benzoylecgonine as well as ecgonine methyl ester." He handed me a sheet with the laundry list of problems. "As you've just seen she's being fed through a nasogastric tube for her anorexia and we've started an IV for her diabetes. Any questions or concerns?" He looked to both of us for a word.

Staring at the paper I noticed at near the bottom speech issues (Dysarthria) and withdrawal were scribbled down in the category other. "She has speech issues and withdrawal according to you guys, could you elaborate on that? Please and thank you."

"About the withdrawal symptoms, we just added that so you know that that process is occurring since she was clearly on a substance. We noticed signs of Dysarthria in her; difficult to understand, short bursts of speaking and hesitation."

"After her stay here what will this mean for her?" I ask.

"I was just about to head there. When she's clear of any life threatening conditions she'll be discharged, but she will need a caregiver for a while which I'd assume to be her husband? George Grant?"

My father didn't deserve to be her caregiver especially since his life is so busy with another woman. "He's actually occupied with a newfound love. I'd like to take the role if that's possible."

"I don't see why not." He said flipping through some more papers. "As far as recovery she will utilize insulin for her diabetes. We recommend you consult with her doctor for plans as far as her anorexia. We can point you guys to options for her dementia. Therapy is also high on the list for even yourself, taking care of another being is hard."

Rakim nodded in agreement.

"Never hesitate to give me a call. I'm here to help you and your mother."

Outside the air was cold, but I could no longer be phased anymore. Rakim pulled me in by the shoulder. "You'll pull through right? Don't fall apart. Your ma needs you."