Without You

XV

1 month later

He was lost without her, and nothing he had ever felt could ever compare to this. Every night he lost sleep, just thinking about her and everything that they had shared. He thought of her eyes locked onto his, their lips inches apart while they smiled, naked and tangled. He was full of regret about comprising her trust and he wanted to explain that he was sorry.

He got out of his bed and changed into his clothes before getting in his car and he started to drive. He drove with no purpose, no plan but he ended up at her house. He had parked down the street and he was watching. There was no car in the parking lot and he watched as her jeep rolled in and she got out.

She was beautiful. There were no words he could ever use to describe just how gorgeous she was. She walked up her stairs and came out a few minutes later. Her dog ran around the yard and she laughed as she laid a blanket down on the grass.

She sat on it and the dog ran around the yard more, barking and getting the energy out. He couldn't hold it in any longer and he opened his center console. There was a fireball in it and he unscrewed the cap, letting it run down his throat. He got out of the car and walked across the street.

"Hey." He said, smiling as she stood up.
"Hi." She replied, and they were back at it again.

Their eyes danced again like it was their first night, like they were really together.

"What are you doing here?" She asked softly.
"I was just... on a walk." He said quietly.
"In the middle of the night?" She asked.
"I had a dream and Addison was asleep." He mumbled.
"Your wife was asleep, so you came here?" She asked.

"It's..." He laughed nervously, rubbing the scar on his forehead, "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like?" She asked, crossing her arms.

Damn it, she looked so good when she looked at him like that.

"Talking about being awake, how is your dog so energetic?" He asked as the dog ran into his arms. He pet her dog and scratched his ears before standing up, getting closer to her.

"I haven't let him out all day. He deserves to run a little." She smiled.

"How's your boyfriend?" He asked, making her look at him.
"Good, he's... good." She said, and he didn't miss her smile.
"What does he do?" He asked curiously.
"Nathan's a pilot." She blushed and instantly he felt sick.
"I bet he isn't around much." His mouth uttered words before he could think them.

He looked up to her and she looked down at him as he stood up and let Doc go back to running around. Her face wasn't soft anymore and he could see discomfort on her lips.

"Derek, what are you doing?" She asked, shaking her head.
"Nothing." He replied, his jaw clenched, "Sorry..."

"You 'have a dream' and come here, and ask about Nathan after not speaking to me in a month." She said.

"I am not the only one who has done some avoiding." He said back at her, and she let out a sigh as he realized he had some it again, frustrated her again, "That's not what I meant, I just... You haven't spoken to me either."

"I know." She said.

"I just want to apologize." He said, stepping closer to her. The eye contact between them became unbearable and yet she couldn't look away. "What I did... Betraying your trust wasn't fair."

His body was too close to hers, only a few feet separating them. She felt her heart beating faster and faster as he stepped closer to her. "I'm sorry, Meredith."

"Derek." Her breath shook as his body began to encroach on hers. She looked at his lips for a moment, and his eyes bore into her soul, making her look down. Instantly, his hand moved her chin back up to look at him. He leaned forward and their lips were nearly touching.

"I miss you." He whispered against her cheek. A chill ran down her spine and his voice rang in his ears, "I miss you more than anything."

Her head went back and she bit her lip, he was more than attractive, more than honest and she hears him and it was like everything in her body was feeling exactly what he was feeling.

His arms gently pulled her shoulders towards him. Her skin was electric and her arms wrapped around his shoulders from underneath his arms. He held her around her shoulders and he buried her head into his chest. He let a shaking breath from his lips, finally breathing for the first time in a month.

"I can't." She said quietly, before pushing him back. She placed a hand on his chest and he shook his head. Please. Her heart beat faster as she saw how much he really did miss her. "I can't cheat on him."

"I know." He nodded, his hand coming up to her cheek. She was too good for him. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he'd let her slip right through his fingers. "I know you won't."

"I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"Don't be." He stroked her cheek fondly. She felt the tears threatening to leave her eyes and his were glassed over. He pressed his forehead to hers and he smiled. "He's a lucky guy."

"Derek." She said softly, calling out to him. He turned to her and she walked up to him and placed her hand on his chest. She leaned up and kissed his cheek, making him instantly blush. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he held her waist before feeling her breath in his ear, "Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing." He smiled, setting her down, and smiling gently. He cupped her cheeks and his lips pressed to her forehead before he turned around. He pinched the corners of his eyes and he breathed out the warm spring air as he walked away from her. It was all so much to walk away from her but he had to do it.

He got into his car and sighed as he tried to focus on his breathing. It was rapid fast and he clenched the steering wheel.

She watched him get into his car and blinked away her tears. He never let her in. Never. Not before Addison, and not during their relationship while he was married. He never really told her how he really felt. She wanted him to fight. To fight for them, and fight for her, but he wouldn't.