Without You

I

It had been ages since he had ever felt anything other than sad, and he had been so against washing it all away with alcohol, but tonight, he decided that it would change. Addie was on a consult in Idaho, and she would not be back for the rest of the night, so after his patient passed away and the father of the family attempted a swing at him, he fell back on the one thing he thought he did properly.

He changed out of his scrubs and into a pair of khakis and his green sweater over a white button down. He left his briefcase and didn't bother taking his keys before he got onto the elevator. He sighed as he sipped the rest of his coffee and hit the "L" button for the lobby. He felt the normal jump of his stomach as it went down and he closed his eyes, just for a moment.

"I miss you." She said, so quiet but it was a cry of plea in the silent elevator. He wanted so desperately to say it back to her the instant she had borne that vulnerable piece of herself to him. Her body was tired, and he knew it, and his was too, after seeing his friends get through a fight and come out of it alive. He wanted to get through this, he wanted to be alive at the end of it, but he had been thinking about her, all day.

He headed out into the lobby and through the damp and wet parking lot before crossing the street to Joe's. He felt the snow crunching beneath his shoes, but it was almost a wet snow, as though it couldn't choose between being slush or snow. It was that time of year, not Christmas, but not New Year's either, just one of those odd days between. Passing the many drunken people coming out, he walked in and heard the familiar ringing of the entrance bells. He blinked just once as he directed his attention to the bar, and he instantly froze.

There she was in her red sweater and jeans, her dirty-blonde hair glowing from the tint of warm light. His eyes fixated on her, and he saw that she was sitting alone, no one accompanying her. Before he knew it, he hung up his long black jacket and smiled as he approached her. He did not know what he was doing. It hadn't even been a week since he had told his wife that he was in love with Meredith, and yet he was here, unable to defend his marriage against his heart that was now beating so hard.

"Is this seat taken?" His voice came out harder than he meant it to, but she looked up to him. He saw the contemplation in her beautiful eyes, wondering if she should let him sit beside her after all the terrible things he had done. She shook her head, and he nodded as she went back to drinking her tequila. He sat in the stool and Joe poured him a scotch. He brought it to his lips instantly and threw it back before Joe refilled it. He drank the next one slower and after two more, he turned to her, wanting to ask something. She didn't look at him and he hesitated, not knowing whether to speak to her at all. He knew it would make his evening better, and he almost risked it, but he was surprised when she turned to him.

"Long day?" She asked, her voice meek and soft, as their eyes met.

"Yeah... you too?" He asked, the blood pounding in his ears, making him nervous.

"Yeah." She nodded, going back to drinking tequila. He turned back to his scotch and drank another one slowly.

They stayed silent despite all the people coming and leaving the bar and it was well past 10 now and all he wanted was for her to speak to him again. The music drowned out of his ears until the only thing he wanted to do was speak to her, and he let himself give in.

"Your friends aren't here." He said quietly, and she turned her face so their eyes could meet. She shook her head and he looked at her longingly, seeing the remnants of her long day across her face.

"They're at home, watching a lap choli." She said, making him nod. There was tension between them, and he felt it like a thick smog, keeping him from saying what he wanted to, saying it how he wanted to.

"What happened?" She asked him.

"I got pulled into an emergency surgery and it ended up lasting eight hours." He sighed, letting a small laugh out. "It was frustrating, felt more like trauma than neurosurgery. Where I covered one bleeder, two more showed up in its place."

"Like that patient, Mr. Anderson, a few months ago?" She asked, grinning up at him. He started laughing as he remembered the case they had worked together. The teacher they were operating on had 40 bleeders in 2 hours and that had only been half of the surgery. He was laughing with her, and he felt his face heating, watching her laugh.

"At least I had you then. We were on it, you and me. Unstoppable. That surgery would have taken an entire day without you. I was all alone on this one." He mumbled, the scotch getting to him as Joe refilled it for him.

"At least I got in a surgery then. Now all I do is talk patient's families through the process of getting a body of the morgue. It's boring, and I feel like everyone around me is just getting better at surgery while I get worse." She was drunk too but he didn't notice it, but he did listen.

They talked for hours, drinking and saying things to each other that they never would have had they been sober. Their talking turned into smiling at one another's stupid little stories. She laughed hearing about a fish that had slapped him in the face, and he laughed after listening to a story of her new dog messing up her laundry. He felt pure adrenaline when he was with her, and the world faded away.