Worth, Love (The Fever Of Desire)

24.

"I have coronary heart disease." 

I decided to heed Yonnie's words and move back with Pops and when I questioned him about her hidden meaning, a few days later, his response shook me. 

"What does that mean Pops? I mean- is it deadly? Is it curable?" I held his hands as I sat across from him on the old couch. "What can we do?" I whispered willing my voice not to crack and tears not to spill.

"...It's not curable. I can do a couple of this to lessen the effects but- I've had it for years with no diagnosis. There's not much any doctor can do with how bad it is now." His voice was shaky as he squeezed my hand.

I always viewed my pops as strong his age never an occuring thought in my mind but now....

Now I could see it.

The wrinkles, back and knee pain, that ol'folk cough. They way his grip wasn't as strong as it used to be. How his smile always reached his eyes but the twinkle in them was dimming.

"Is it...deadly?"
"It causes heart attacks so..Yes.." he answered slowly.

Silence.

He pulled me into him like when I had first moved in and all my trauma shattered my ideas of a normal household. I couldn't accept that him and Grandma loved me, that they cared about me, that they actually wanted me and weren't going to hurt me. Wouldn't let anyone hurt me.

-
"Now look hea' you can throw a fit all ya want but I'm not goin' fah it. Yuh fight dem kids but you wan' go fight me? I refuse." Gran spoke in a heavy Jamaican accent mixed with pops ol' Black American flick to certain words, clicking her tongue as the bowl of warm stew clinked on the floor outside the door.

"What's wrong Asha?" Pops deep voice rumbled. I heard her let out a sigh.
"She got in a nother fight at dat school. Now what a told yuh Tay? But you don' wan' listen to me. Mi say she ain't ready for all that socializing. Girl don't e'men realize that we do ha, right! Tired of all de huffing and puffin Tay."
I heard his lips smack against her forehead . "I got dis, you go on and get some rest baby." Her feet pattered against the wood floor as she went off to her room slamming the door behind her.

Pops knocked a few times before coming in, finding me sitting the dark next the bed. Cowering. Crying. Wondering if he was finally going to show me his true self and beat the breaks off of me.

He sat across from my young self,placing the bowl next to me. He pulled me into his chest, wrapped me in a net of safety, and said

"I knows you scared. I knows you just trying to protect yoself. But we're not them. We're trying to give you something you ain't had but deserve." He whispered and pushed me back by shoulders looking me square in the eyes. "Something that despite what you believe you're worth- Love, Tareea. I'll never give you nothing but love and a headache." He said with a small chuckled.

I sunk back into him shaking and sobbing, wailing in fact. Grandma came and joined the embrace.

Our little family complete.

-

Sadly now he was breaking that promise. He was giving me love but also heartache..

I'm not sure how long we cried together. But we found ourself staring out at a dark rainy sky, drinking tea.

_.End._

Honestly wanted this chapter to be longer but felt like it was a good stopping point. Leaving on something bitter sweet.

I hope y'all remember Abt the tea