Running Towards the Light

Chapter 32 - Intrusive

That night was even worse than the afternoon.

Having dinner with my family was great and we even watched a movie together before 'bedtime'. Plus I loved hanging out with my brothers (who normally don't want to hang out with me) all afternoon and not having my eldest brother continuously tell me — 'go do your homework, Beatrice!'.

And of course, I was extremely happy Dylan didn't bring his dork and bitch of a girlfriend to dinner — as he always does. I was especially surprised, because they have been hanging out together a lot lately and I didn't really expect him to just leave her.

After my family and I had dinner and we watched a movie it was time to head to bed. That part wasn't so bad — I might have even been a little excited for bed as I was extremely tired — however, I was in my room for about thirty minutes when everything took a turn for the worst.

It was like someone flipped a switch in my brain so that I was no longer happy and content but rather sad, stressed, and on edge.

I was worried about my big brother and his shoulder. Cam seems to be talking to Chris which is very good as Cam usually keeps any and all health things strictly to himself. But I also don't think Cameron would tell anyone everything fully at any time — that's just not his style. I was worried about that on the surface — but as my mind started to race and I got deeper and deeper in I got more worried about crazy things.

When our mother shot my brother the police were called and it was a whole fiasco. Us kids didn't go into foster care at the time because my father, Nick, was cleared almost right away and granted full custody of his underaged kids. My mother however was taken into custody and there was a very long court process. I would say it was about a year and a half (maybe more) until my mother was finally put in jail where she has been since then. I don't really know in depth the circumstances of her incarcerated time — I just know that there's a while until she is eligible for parole, but at some point she will be eligible for parole.

Instead of my father or my mother and father combined — my mom was the devil of my nightmares today.

I couldn't stop thinking about her. Couldn't stop.

My mom and I never had the best relationship. She always seemed to play favorites — Cameron and me at the bottom of that list. She didn't like Chris or Dylan that much as they were older and stronger than her and therefore would never stand by and allow her to say anything to my brothers and I. Mom disliked Cameron for the same reasons — because he spoke up and no matter how hard he got punished, he never stopped. She didn't like West as he was Cam's little sidekick. And me because I was 'annoying', 'irritating, 'and a burden' as she would say when I was a child. I guess the twins and Ben were the only people who she was okay with — although she never loved them. My mother is incapable of love.

I didn't really care when she went away. I had never thought of it before. But today it hit me.

How does a mother not love her own children?

Tears had started to flow down my face at this point. I tugged at my hair, pulling it in front of my face and tucking my head within my necks that were pulled up to my chest as I sat on the ground.

I wasn't sobbing, as sobbing required verbal distress and I wanted to make sure none of my brothers heard me. I was just in agony.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The words chanted in my brain, like when someone repeatedly stabs another person in the chest post-mortem. It's never relating and it takes your soul from you even after you have already died. Only, I wasn't dead yet. But I was broken. So broken that I could never be repeated with the blue hot glue gun my brothers used for everything they broke. I couldn't be repaired by them or me or anyone else.