Poems That Came From a Beanstalk

My Sunshine

It was for the best
But when it's quiet here
And the screens don't move
And the rain sort of hums its echo from the ground outside

I try not to think, how big would you be now?
And would he fall asleep to that sound like his daddy did?

And I see how selfish he is now
But my body remembers the tugging feeling
Every time I have a period
And I felt you telling me you were there for the first time

I try not to wonder at what point did God lift you from me
Deciding it was suppose to be this way

And my body is healed now
But i cry at the memory of dark syrup drizzling down my legs
For two days straight
Going through countless pads in the work bathroom
Heavy in my pants
Blood all over the floor at home
An endless stream
A dark red clouding shower water
Barely see my feet

This is the reason you cannot tell me how to do anything in my life
I make my money and I am alone so that when they come telling me how to live and how to feel
I can say nothing and feed myself with my own food and they will understand instantly

There is no weight to their words
Only a weight to my success
I never asked for anything
I just worked

And now my baby is dead

This is the pain of a woman
I was patronized for being young and dumb and now I am patronized for being traumatized

This is womanhood
Suffering silently

While a man can lose the same amount from giving life as if he were pleasured by his own hand in the dark parts of a walmart parkinglot

Wiping up quick with a spare t shirt
Losing nothing and switching on the radio
Like nothing ever happened

A woman will lose her body for a year
Spend half a paycheck trying to figure out what medicine works
And watching YouTube shorts
Well, their mothers aren't there and they can't afford a doctor
Her eyes are sealed with tears every night

She tries not to remember what she lost
A woman has to think about everything she does and what did she do before
And what can she do to make it better

This is womanhood
We lose our sunshine to this
That would have been your name
After your father's in grade school
He told me his teacher use to call him that

Sunshine

I try to forget the pain
Buckling over every time I stepped off my forklift
Never cried from pain before that

And I'm thankful I didn't have to talk to the doctor again
But I realized how alone I am
Just because I'm young
And a woman
When he told me I was wasting his time
My levels weren't even up
I wasn't pregnant
And the nurses saying they were sorry for my loss
After he left the room

I try to think about
How ever would I have found real help if you had stayed?
Where would I go?

And when I'm making coffee
And my eyes settle on the painting I made for you
So I could remember
My arms feel empty
Where a small weight is suppose to be
Glowing little face with sweet eyes and a button nose
Maybe sleeping in my arms
Maybe rocking in front of a window

I try not to dwell on these things
But it's been a year and a half
And I still don't understand why
There is so much vacancy
Where everyone tells me there was nothing in the first place

It takes time they say
It's for the best, I say
But it's all shit
And affirmations don't matter

Because I still spend some dark mornings in the bottom of my shower with aching feet
Telling the empty air

"I want my baby"