I am sitting in my car
This morning
Alone, dark, with the rainAnd I'm texting him
But he isn't allowed in my brain
Right now
HereAnd I just sit here after work sometimes to listen to nothing
But today it's extra nice becauseIt's raining and it sounds just nice
And I kind of looked
down the road a little
and everything disappeared
for a minuteand I felt calm
Thinking of that picture I forgot about
Of my plants in the
Living room window
That you got so excited with me aboutAnd you always encouraged me
And I love you even now for thatBecause at least I know it's possible for someone to believe in me
For no reason
Except for believing I canAnd I thought pretty plainly and kindly:
I miss gardening with youAnd when I dropped your shirts off the other day
It was surreal seeing the posts I had put in the ground for our garden in a bucket
And the wooden planks strewn
I remember the summer we did that togetherAnd I thought about texting it
That I missed gardening with you
But I know it would only complicate things
Instead of heal themSo I'm writing it here
Where it's probably safer anyway
And maybe you'll see it
And not have to tell me you saw it
So you can just know
And I can just notI know i told you
Not to read anymore of this stuff
Because of the pressure
But I hope you didn't listen to meAnd you still want to
And do it anyway
Because you're the only person
That ever wanted to hear my writingI miss eating Mexican food with you and
Convincing you to go in and get it
Every time we drove thereAnd I miss fighting about who is gonna drive
And I miss going on a drive
And bringing the dog and feeling good
Watching her sniff the night airAnd listening to you sing
Under the windsheild and gripping the wheel with your big knuckles and
Baggy sweat shirt
All under the passing orange streetlightsWe were kids weren't we
Was it real?And I miss the way you dance
And I really liked holdingYour hands
And dancing with you while we waited for dinner to cook
You always said "sure" so kindly
When I asked you toI will miss that egg dish you use to make me
It was wonderful
And so sweet when you wrote notes
In ketchup on itWhy does my heart break thinking about
KetchupYou got so mad
When I would try to get the blackheads out of your nose
Sorry about that
And you did face masks with meAnd you didn't even get mad
When paisley ruined your stuff
Not at me
Not in a way that made me scaredI miss watching movies
And playing games
And driving you and the boys
And going on walks, and holding your hand on themAnd coming in quietly to your blue lit
Office
And kissing your cheek when you had your headphones on
Talking to your boys
And you let me sit with you most times
You even wanted me to
And I could fall asleep that way
Sitting with you
Quietly watching whatever you were doing
Usually watching YouTube and playing a game
Or learning something
Or two things at once
Sometimes you'd explain everything happily
And sometimes we would just sit quietAnd I really want to watch that Asian zombie show again
But I can't
Because I wanted to with you
And I just can't aloneI will miss you getting excited
To go grocery shopping
And picking out
A silly new alcohol to try
And being very serious about the cut of steak you gotI feel it's a tragedy
That sometimes
I forget what your eyes look like
And how it felt to be warmed by your wonderful smileSo I'm writing the smallest parts here
So maybe
I'll remember at least thoseYou always looked like an angel when you slept. And you were awful at cuddling when you weren't awake.
But you don't know
How many times I just
Sat and appreciated you
While you were sleeping
So peaceful and sweet
I was always so thankful
And I hoped you felt loved by meDo you remember scritches?
I do it for comfort now
When it's dim and still in my room
When I cryIsn't it crazy
That everything was real?
Everything happened?I remember how excited I was to get that apartment with you
Even though it stressed me out
Making a home with you
Was the best thing of my lifeAs of yet
It was a dream
It was a lot of bad tooBut I can only remember the good now
Because all that it's been
Since then
Is a nightmareWith only blips of waking up
Here and there
To sunlight
SometimesAnd I miss everything
So I just want you to know
I will never forget
Any of itEven if you think I did
I dont
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Poems That Came From a Beanstalk
PoetryPoems that came from... well, a beanstalk (updates are random)