Smeared

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Grief is a strange thing. Everyone expresses it differently on varying levels of degree yet at the end of the day, it is all the same.

It normally takes the form of shock or disbelief in the beginning. It acts as if it cannot be true hiding behind it's fragile visage which is no sooner shattered into millions of shards as reality hits and it begins to sink in.

Each shard ranges in sizes and intensity as it pierces a different part of the body and begins to twist and turn as it takes root with the intent of drowning one's soul.

Grief is the most cruel thing this world has to offer. It is the price we have to pay for something so beautiful called love and it is the worst price of them all.

I do not know for how long I slept, but honestly I wish that it did not end for when I opened my eyes, everything came flooding back to me all at once.

It felt like someone was crushing my heart continuously subjecting me to intense torture. My throat felt contristriced, the unfortable pain hitting below my jaw making it hard to breathe let alone swallow as my emotions withered inside me.

I felt so helpless in that moment but through all the pain, I could only produce a single tear. The world around me felt so colourless; so cold. Without Rourke, it felt so barren.

I pulled my head under the soft duvet wrapping myself deep within the folds as a futile attempt to hide from my pain and comfort myself.

Memories of my brother filled my head. His smile, his laugh and his gentle demeanor. He never got to live and enjoy the world and I felt so guilty for not being able to give him the life he deserved and for not being able to save him...

I had failed...

Rourke should have been the healthy twin, I did not deserve it. My life is not worth it but if he had it, it would have been so beautiful, so joyous.

My chest ached and my soul cracked. Why must he subject me to such agnoy, such cruelty. I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could begging for this torture to end.

I felt the bed beside me dip as someone sat down. A hand found it's way into my back over the covers and began soothing me gently. I did not even have to look to know who it was.

Cassius Waisend.

"It will be okay." He whispered gently. It was if he were speaking to a startled animal. "You will be okay."

I did not bother to respond but instead focus on the warmth he was emitting beside me.

"I did not know your twin or the situation you two were in but I do know that he is no longer suffering. He is in a better place right now."

I shifted uncomfortably in the covers. It felt strange to hear such words from his mouth.

"I know I am the last person that you probably wish to see right now especially in your current state but please know that I will always be here for you. I want to be and this time I will make sure that there are no misunderstandings." His voice felt so gentle against my ears, "I hate seeing in so much pain... I am so sorry about everything and not being able to do anything to help you." He pulled his hand away from me.

There was silence. A comfortable silence between the two of us. I felt Cassius about move and without thinking I reached out a hand from under the covers to stop him.

"Don't go..." My voice was weak and broken. I did not want to be alone and I felt so pathetic about it.

"Alright. I will stay as long as you need me to." He took my hand in his own and settled down beside me squeezing it reassuringly. Nothing more was said after that and I was grateful.

I had not realised that I had fallen asleep until I woke up to the numbness settled deep in my chest. In my sleep had shifted and moved my head out from the covers exposing it to the cool night air of the darkened room. A day had already passed...

I felt something move beside me. It was just Cassius. He was still here...

I glanced over at his shadowed form and noticed that he too had fallen asleep. He was still in his day clothes and propped up against the headboard in an awkward manner. His arms were folded across his chest that rose and dropped slowly with each breath. Even in the dark he was handsome...

I carefully pulled myself out from the covers in an attempt not to wake him and got out of bed. I noticed that I was in a nightgown and no longer the same dress that I wore when I lost Rourke.

My heart ached at the reminder and I felt suffocated in that moment. I needed air.

I walked towards the balcony attached to the room and carefully pushed the glass doors open.

A soft breeze met my skin as the gorgeous full moon shone it's light, illuminating the night sky in all it's glory.

I placed my hands on the rail and look in the scenery before me. The bulcany overlooked the many buildings and streets that made up the capital city.

I found my eyes following the familiar buildings in the direction of the Faintree manor. My breathing hitched as I caught sight of its roof and my heart ached more.

I forced myself to look away but it was harder than it seemed so I shut my eyes forcing my mind to calm and return to its numbness. The numbness was better than the pain.

I listened to my breathing, regulating it in order to slow it. I felt the breeze ruffle through my hair and listened as it made it's way through the trees. I concentrated on the moon and the starts that surrounded it.

I did everything I could to push the pain away and escape the reality that I had been dealt with.

I warm blanket suddenly found it's way over my shoulders disrupting my thoughts. I looked back to see Cassius standing behind me. His gaze was unreadable but his eyes were locked on me holding a deepness that I could easily drown in.

"It is a chilly night tonight. You need to stay warm." His voice was gentle as he moved beside me on the bulcany. He looked out towards the city below.

"My mother loved this spot. She said it had the best view of the city and would people watch for hours..." Cassius spoke warmly but I could see a small sad smile illuminated on his face by the moonlight.

He too has known grief.

"Does it get any easier?" I whispered so softly that I doubted he could even here me.

There was a moment of silence, his sad smile never fading.

"No..."