We Can Survive (Carl Grimes Fanfiction)

Chapter 25- Rescue

"What, are you pregnant?" I joke, laughing nervously. He smiles back. I can only describe the look in his eyes as bittersweet at that moment. They are so loving and hopeful but they are so sad. I swear, looking into his eyes for too long would make me cry like a baby.

"I might just show you rather than tell you," he says. He holds me tightly against his chest as he stands, then releases me and takes a step back.

He tugs off his shirt. And there it is. A Bandage on his shoulder.

"What happened?" I ask, gingerly touching his arm under the bandage.

He unwraps the blood-stained cloth as I watch.

"No," I say, my voice cracking.

"No, no, no, no, no," comes erupting from my mouth. I hit the floor at the same time as my tears. Then, he is there. He is holding me and telling me it's okay. The world just got so much colder. So much darker. He is holding me in his lap, against his chest as sobs wrack my body. The bite marks in his shoulder will forever be imprinted on my mind.

When I finally stop crying, I am left shaking. He holds me tighter than ever before, and I don't know which tears are his and which are mine.

"It happened yesterday," he says, pressing his forehead into mine, "I figure I have around a day left. I feel the fever setting in."

I nod. I have so little time left with him. So little time to tell him all of the things I need to. I'd give him anything in the world, but I can't give him a cure.

"There are so many things we didn't get to do," I whisper. We never saw the Grand Canyon. We never reread The Great Gatsby. We never got to have kids. We will never play another stupid game of checkers or sit in the watch tower or go to our special cave together.

"Nikki, there are so many things we did do. Sharing my life with you made everything worth it. I am so grateful for your existence. I don't want to leave you. I never want to leave you." I don't want him to leave. This isn't fair. This is not fucking fair.

"I can't do this, Carl. I can't live without you. How am I supposed to have half of me ripped away and keep surviving?" I'm not thinking. I'm just talking. Pain this intense has a way of doing that.

"I know. I know, Nikki. I'm so sorry. I love you," he says, tears falling fast now.

Then, I am kissing him. I am kissing him slowly. Our faces are sticky with tears as they mesh and I am touching him everywhere, trying to memorize exactly what this feels like. I never want to forget this. I never want to forget anything about him.

He steadies me with one hand in my hair and the other on my lower back as I drape myself over him. I lose myself in him.We're one body and a million nerve endings. He touches my hands and it feels like fire. A good kind of fire. The kind of fire that will kill you before you realize it's bad for you.

Eventually, I pull away from him. Sweat droplets slip down his face despite the room temperature being fairly cool. He's going too fast. I don't have long with him. For now, it doesn't hurt very much. It's more of a sense of urgency.

"Carl, I love you. You've always been there. You've always been this part of me, helping me to find my own strength. I can't believe I got to spend so much of my life with you. You're this beautiful thing in an ugly world, and I like to think you made me more beautiful. I can't imagine life without you because you'll always be a part of me. There is no life without you," I can't stop myself.

" This is still too soon. I hate that you're going. But I just want you to know that you are incredible." Words are pouring out of me, and by the end, tears are,too.

"Nikki," he breathes, then pulls me to his chest. He holds me there and squeezes me tightly as I sob.

"I know it hurts. I'm sorry," he says, then pauses. I hold my breath.

"I want you to do it," he whispers. I lift my face from his warm chest to look him in the eyes.

I stare into them. I see pain. Pain and regret, but no fear. He isn't afraid to die. He wants it to be quick. There is almost a look of determination in his face.

"I don't want you to watch me suffer. That is the last thing I want. I want to say our goodbyes, and then I want to go," he holds a hand on either side of my face as he searches my eyes.

I don't want him to go. But he's going to. It should be in his way.

"Okay," I murmur, "when?"

"Soon," he says, then smiles, "it hurts like hell."

I smile back at him, because when he smiles I can't help but do the same.

I keep smiling even as the tears keep falling. I press my lips against his, softer than I ever have before. I'm reminded of our first kiss, back when I denied that I had feelings for Carl even to myself. That kiss was short and terrifying and tasted of eggs. This is the opposite.This is slow and calm and I feel like I'm home.

We hold each other for a long time before he says, "I think it's time." He is sweating more than I've ever seen and it seems hard for him to keep his eyes open.

He watches as I quickly gather all of our supplies. I don't think I'll want to stay here after this.

I help him to sit up against a wall, then place his hat on his head. I sit down beside him.

He turns to me and pushes sticky, wet hair away from my face.

"You know what you said to me when my dad died?" Carl asks, staring deep into my eyes. Taking them in for the last time.

I shake my head. That time is all a blur in my memory.

"What you said is 'I'm not going to tell you that's it's going to be okay. I'm not gonna lie and say that. But Carl Anthony Grimes, you can keep on living.' I need you to know that, Nikki. You can keep living. You can find happiness after me. I believe in you. You are nothing but good. I don't want to change that. Promise me you'll try?" he is quiet but his words are so loud in my ears.

"Okay," I say, feeling my face twist up in pain, "Okay. I promise. I don't know how. But I will try."

"That's the only thing I want from you. I want you to have a good life. I love you," he says, his breaths harsh and heavy.

"I love you," I choke out.

He pulls his pistol from his jeans with great effort and hands it to me. Then, he removes his hat and places it on my head. I smile even as a sob escapes me. He slides his hand down from the hat to my shoulder, then down my arm. He holds my hand gently, then gives it a squeeze and lets go. He smiles at me and nods.

I stand and walk across the room. The skylight lets in yellow evening sun and illuminates dust particles as they float through the air. I step into this light. I stand and look at him. My beautiful angel, sitting against an old, rotting wall in the dark.

He smiles at me before he shuts his eyes. I smile back as I raise my arm. And I take the shot.

~Author's Note~

Hello.

I couldn't leave this story without an ending. I've been planning this ending for a long time. It's been thought about a lot.

I'm almost glad that I left it for so long, because I think I needed to grow before I wrote this, as cliche as it sounds. I hope you love it, even though I know you'll hate it, too.

I'm lowkey crying so hard right now.

I'm so sorry this took so long to finish.

This is the end of this story.

Thank you so much for reading, giraffes <3. Your support means the world to me.