A Man, a Girl, a Deserted Island - an Epic Love Hate Saga

Episode 14: Asians have smaller brains

"Money, money, money! Pesos! Dineros! My... You understand or not? What's wrong with you?"

Silence. Nothing. He blinks like a cow. He doesn't even breathe.

"You... idiot!" I grumble. "Don't you understand? Money, man, Asian! Look... Money! Is it clear... you're stupid! Hey, Thai guy... look at... me... lips!"

Nothing. He's a statue. 

I feel like crying with frustration. My God, what a backward country... Damn idiot! Are they all like this? Has the heat fried their brains?

I try again, but slower and emphasizing each word:

"Dollars... for... you. You take me to... beach. Fast! I point to the steering wheel. Come on, start the engine..."

I'm dying!

"What's so hard, man! What the hell do they teach you in school? Do you have schools around here, don't you? God... look at his face... Why are you staring like that? Have you seen a ghost?"

Hmm... Do I have something written on my forehead? Have horns grown out of it? Why is he looking at me like that?

"Hello! Mister Asia! Do you understand or not understand? Tongue? Show me your tongue. Come on, stick out your tongue and show me! Are you mute?"

I stick out my tongue at him. I point to my tongue. He looks at me like a newly born calf. 

Damn Thailand! What a nation of troglodytes! Why is it so hard for some people to learn a foreign language? No matter how uncivilized you are, you still have to know a bit of English, right? Especially if you work as a taxi driver in a country full of tourists.

I strain my mind a bit. Where did that bartender say he hooked up with cute Thai girls? What was the name of that beach?

"I got it!" I suddenly shout. PHUKET! You take European white tourist to Phuket and tourist give you much money! Done, problem solved! Phuket!

"Phuket?" he smiles.

Victory! He speaks! Look, he understands! His little brain has unlocked.

"Yes, man, Phuket!" I shout excitedly. "Bravo to you! You're smart! You understand quickly!"

I feel ecstatic seeing how intelligent I am and what a good memory I have. Bravo, Tiberiu! That was the magic word. Even those with half a brain here still know what to do when they hear the name Phuket.

I raise my hands in the air as if I'm going to hypnotize him. I speak slowly and emphasize every syllable:

"Yeees, Phuket, buddy! Phuuuuu Keeeeet! P-H-U-K-E-T! You make money from me! Capisci? Comprendo? Speak Russian? Start the engine, dude! Let's go to Phuket."

"I can't, sir," says the taxi driver shaking his head. "Phuket is too far away."

He speaks! I made him speak. I'm proud! I've always known how to handle people. I have a special gift from God.

"Stop the nonsense," I say quickly. "Give a lot of money. You take me to Phuket right now."

"You can talk normally," he says, smiling. "I understand every word without any problems. But, I'm sorry, I can't take you to Phuket, no matter how much money you give me. It's simply too far. I only do much shorter trips. Airport - city, city - airport. That's what I do."

I look at him as if I'm seeing the first alien in my life. The man continues:

"Let me explain," he continues, taking his mobile phone out of his pocket. "Thailand is a country that stretches a long way. Look here at the map. Look at the screen. We are now here, in Chiang Mai, in the northern extremity, in the mountainous part of the country."