A Man, a Girl, a Deserted Island - an Epic Love Hate Saga

Episode 12: You can't get drunk on the plane

"Hey, why does it smell like this?" I ask, displeased.

"You slept the whole time and fart like a horse, buddy! That's why it stinks. Come on, buckle up, we're leaving!"

The voice comes from one of the seats in front.

I look out the window. It's dark outside. China is probably a dark country. Damn communists!

I buckle up again. Maybe I missed the first takeoff, but I'm going to see this one live.

The plane starts slowly. The runway moves fast, and then the speed increases more and more. The aircraft shoots into the sky with me. I feel my back sticking to the seat. 

Wow! It's my first takeoff! The other one doesn't count.

I signal to the flight attendant.

"It's my first takeoff," I say happily. "Could I get a glass of cognac or vodka?"

"Of course."

"It's free, right?"

I read somewhere that drinks are free on the plane, but even so, I still feel the need to check.

"In first class, they're free," she informs me, "but you're not in first class, so I'm afraid drinks aren't free."

"Well, that's fine," I say, waving my hand. "Bring me a whole bottle. Can I pay with a card?"

"No."

Oops! Fuck! What crap!

I rummage through my pockets. Fortunately, I find a few banknotes. She comes back with a whole bottle, but it's a very small bottle. And she pours it into a very large glass. It's a weird effect!

"It doesn't cost you anything," she announces, smiling. "You said it's your first flight. It's from the crew. We're very happy that everything is okay with you. If something had happened to you, we would have had to fill out a bunch of papers."

"Thank you! And I'm glad I'm alive too. Well, I'll take this one for free, but I'll pay for the next ones."

"There won't be any 'next ones,'" she tells me with a sweet face. "We have a very strict policy regarding alcohol consumption. But in less than two hours, we'll be landing in Chiang Mai, and you'll be able to do absolutely everything you want."

She turns around and lets me admire her backside as she walks away. The backside looks good. My glass of drink looks bad. I down it. Is that all? This drop? 

How am I going to get drunk with this?

What do you mean company policy? Hey, liars! Did you all agree to drive me crazy?! Magazines with weeds and vodka bottles the size of a thimble? 

Seriously?!

I grit my teeth. It's okay, I still have just two hours. I'll endure. I won't die of thirst. Yes, I'll endure for two hours.

Outside the window, there's only pitch darkness. Is that all? I haven't experienced anything interesting on my first flight. But... what's this? My ears pop slowly, and it feels like my brain is expanding. It's as if I have hiccups in my head.

"Hey buddy, at what altitude are we flying?" I ask the guy in front of me. I have no idea what he looks like, but I can hear him perfectly, probably asthmatic.

"I think we're at about eleven thousand meters."

"Eleven? Thousand? What the... Are you kidding?"

The guy is silent for a few seconds, then calmly says, "You're right, we can't be. We've just taken off. We haven't reached eleven thousand yet. Maybe eight thousand. Who knows?"

I sink even deeper into my seat. I tighten my seatbelt even more. My knees start bouncing in all directions.

Oh my God! And I thought sitting in the back of the plane would help me survive. Yeah, maybe half a second longer.

Eleven thousand meters? That's huge! If we crash, my shit will fly up my nose.

I remain motionless, like a rabbit under a snake's gaze. I don't know how much time has passed. Maybe minutes. Maybe hours. Maybe... No, definitely not years.

I travel through time and space. I can't see. I can't hear. Everything around me disappears into complete darkness and a faint background noise. Buzz... But I think... Buzz...

Damn it, Tiberiu! Do you want to die? What the hell are you doing here? Buzz...

The explanation is clear: I've been an idiot. If I make it alive to Thailand, I swear I'll return home on the first plane. Yes! I'll take the first flight back. I'm damn lucky I got a round-trip ticket.

Lord, I know I've been a sinner and haven't prayed in a long time, but if you help me get back home, I promise...

The Lord answers me. I start to hear creaks, and the plane shakes up and down. Damn it! We're all going to die! I'm young! Nooo!

"What's this?" I mutter with a trembling voice. "What's with the shaking?"

The voice from the seat in front of me clarifies, "What could it be? We've landed, and now we're taxiing on the runway. Welcome to Thailand!"

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