Not Human

Part One: The Shadows We Create / Chapter 1 | Who I Am

Regardless of how much you want something to turn out, you don't always get your way.

I haven't been able to sleep. My eyes drifted around the corners of each part of the ceiling. A memory came back to me, one of whenever I was 4. I used to scratch these types of popcorn ceilings, and the white popcorn like pieces would fall. A curious kid I was, not much of a thinker though. Nights have been getting harder for me, and it's my fault really. I'm always in my thoughts, not much of a thinker to a thinker. I've been trying to stop habits of the past, but they always catch up to me someway or another. Always got something on my mind, regardless of what it is. That is until I fall asleep, that's when I can finally have some peace. Even then, dreams from when I was younger, to older, were always bizarre. Something to make me question myself every time I woke up if I remembered. Especially for a young person like me, it's really hard. From changes in you, anything really can get you. The feelings of the unknown are so interesting, sometimes you check out a little too much, leading you down a trap. Then in a scrawny world like this, full of jokes of humans for influences really can lead you astray. Mom always said I had a good heart though, and I did try and believe it, as best I could. It gets hard, especially whenever you have to grow so fast in this world it seems–that there's really no time to really "grow" into anything. You're kinda just thrown into things to figure out. It's hard, and parents don't always understand.

Doesn't matter what generation either, and that's because there is always something new.

See what I mean, about my thoughts? I really ramble, too much sometimes. Despite not being diagnosed with anything, I find myself stuttering over almost anything that requires thinking. Trying to put the right words together is as much of a hassle. Though everyone has their flaws, everyone has their problems, I've always tried to be perfect. Thinking I had to be perfect, otherwise I was a sinner, a failure. That's how the world leads you to think. Remember that childhood trauma whenever you failed a test? Anything less than an average you would always feel like you failed, and punishment was imminent. Luckily though for me, my parents were never hard on grades. Only whenever they knew I never tried. But I was hard. Hard on myself because I felt I wasn't right. These are the kind of thoughts that would pop up randomly in my mind at night. Rarely anything positive, only regret, wishing, and realizing what I could've done different. Big or small just how it is. I've always felt a shadow of my mistakes follow me around. I've always tried to remind myself, "I'm not alone," though the next time I made a mistake it felt back from square one. Especially being young, we all feel these things from time to time. It's human nature, right? Only difference is the scale of how we feel. Negativity has always presented itself in one way or another.

"Anyways I'm going to try and get some sleep,"

"goodnight."

Morning I failed. The regret of my decision feels hefty every time. Everyday I fail, multiple times on occasion, and when I do it feels worse after the last. It started as not knowing, being uninformed. But doing research I still feel lost. For anyone out there struggling with any kind of addiction, problem, trial, doesn't matter. I feel you. I surely feel you. Though I always wonder what others have done, y'know as a kid you're taught that your parents have authority over you. But have you ever wondered if they've made mistakes? I've never been one to ask much. I was always too scared. Scared of backlash, or it being twisted the wrong way. Somedays I feel as if the shadow behind me is growing darker and darker each time I do something bad. I've had so many negative thoughts to the point where If I had everything bad I've ever thought of myself, I could make a person out of it. Specifically a word person, of course, I'm not out here creating humans. I've had people like me, compliment me, though it never hit me. I never felt like those things were true, so I never reciprocated. Not, in a always romantic way–of course. Confidence is something a lot of us lack, or have confidence in certain situations. If I feel like I'm flowing in a conversation with someone, I feel great. Vice versa I'm shy, and introverted. I'm kinda like a mix of extroverted and introverted. Extroinverted, despite my best efforts to make you laugh, I find myself even stumbling over the thought, "extroinverted?"

"Wouldn't that come across as extra-inverted?"

Probably, but I tried. Something I've always felt comforting is talking to myself. Yeah, sad I know. Or relatable, you be the judge. Though despite your opinion, I feel like it helps relieve the things I would, should, and could, say. One of my favorite quotes is "you know yourself mostly by your thoughts. Everyone else knows you only by your actions. Remember this when you feel misunderstood. You have to do or say something for others to know how you feel," - James Clear. Despite the lessons that you probably already know, let's understand something.

If you are alone, only you can create the conversation. Thus, only you can talk to you. But, you probably already knew that.

Evening I failed again. I wonder, can our thoughts become anything? I know a lot of this is random. Though I don't want to think too deeply about it. It might strike a nerve. Regardless of everything, I find that music helps me. Music has saved so many, continues too.

Whenever I made a mistake, music was the first thing I would turn to. I even created music off of situations and created my own songs. I felt myself, I had fun. It distracted me from my reality.

Something that brings me back into my reality is school. I "dislike" school. I gotta give them props because they do teach important skills. Especially during my time when computer work was the norm for most classes–so at least I'm tech savvy. My writing and English were good, and I was decent as long as I had the information for every other subject–but math. Math is like an ex-lover. Something you may come around too often, maybe even miss, but at the end of the day you don't want to see each other–for the most part. I like math, but only when I understand it. It's fun to solve problems, and get the right answer. A natural feeling for most if not everyone. It feels good to do the right thing, and even better when you get the right answer, or know it. Though, whenever I don't understand, it's not really fun practice anymore. It becomes a grade life or death situation. When I don't understand, I either would go get tutoring, or try on my own. All of these things were done, just so I could pass. School has a lot of good and bad memories for everyone. But at the end of the day, we're all just humans trying to pass–for the most part.