blue diaries

twenty-one

Note: even though I title each part with the month its from I still thought let me just say I'm skipping ahead a few months. I'm skipping July and August. I briefly wrote about July (see MY MIND: this summer) and in August I went on holiday to New York.

twenty-one                                                                                                                September 2014

Since 2013, birthdays have become something I wish I could delay. Each year I feel disappointed with myself, unable to believe I coasted by as the year flew right past me. My mind, post college, has become increasingly overcrowded; bustling with thoughts, worries, plans, goals, social issues and so much more. If my mind were a city it would be New York. Everything collides inside my mind, I'm unable to separate things or organize and plan what I should focus on first. Everything builds up causing me to stress, which makes everything worse than what it was before. I get exhausted, frustrated and demotivated. Why am I unable to move forwards unlike everyone else? Why am I still indecisive and unsure whereas everyone has some idea of which direction they're going in? I feel uninspired and as each day goes by feeling like this, I become rooted, coasting by each and everyday until September comes around again and I realize I have done nothing to move myself up. I become frustrated again, asking myself, what is wrong with me?

Turning twenty-one was not as frightening as it was turning twenty. By this point a whole year has passed and you've settled into the fact you are no longer a teenager. In fact, on the eve of my birthday I was feeling slightly content, reflecting back on the past year and thinking about what could be in store for me. It was the only time that my mind didn't feel so... congested. That acceptance still doesn't stop me from wishing if I could be nineteen though. For one weekend however, I was able to push everything to the back of my mind and just enjoy myself, as I celebrated turning twenteen plus one.

I buttoned up my high waisted, black, ripped jeans from TopShop and sighed as I noticed the state of my hair in the mirror. After I did my hair I quickly threw on a leather jacket over my burgundy, sleeveless, turtle neck crop top and restricted the jewellery I wore to just a gold anklet and some midi rings along with the bracelets I already had on.

It was a Friday night and I would be travelling back home for my birthday weekend the next day so I decided to follow through with Kaeden and go out with him and some others. I walked to his place, giving me some alone time with my thoughts as the cool autumn breeze blew onto my face. Autumn is by far my favourite season, it's easy to dress for and I just feel relaxed. As I made my way to his flat I thought about uni and how it had already started. I just hoped things would go well this year.

I shot Kaeden a quick text to let him know I was nearby and as soon as I stepped to his front door it opened.
"Hey." I said smiling up at him.

"You look nice." he complimented as his eyes ran down my five foot four frame. 

"Thanks. So do you." He was dressed down with minimal colour, in just a black tee and black jeans, with a pair of navy blue Balenciaga arenas on. I watched him grab his black bomber jacket as he called out for Joel. 

"Is it just Joel coming?" I asked turning around and walking back towards his front door.

"Yeah Cam is busy and Jordan will meet us there later with Lara"

"Okay Jamaen is meeting us there too. We walking or what?"

"Might as well."

We arrived at Las Iguana's since I just wanted to be lowkey and I also wanted sweet potato fries. I had taken a shot with everyone and was now sipping on a daiquiri.