PERSONA

5.

- For Miyawaki, Kenji (in the year of 1994, mid-summer time)

Kenji, do you know all of the things that i have been pondering on ever since we were kids? Back then, we used to play, laugh, and cry about everything in childhood. It has become a habit of mine where we always wanted to look at the falling leaves of the ground as if they have been withered and grew out for so long. 

Remember the days when we used to ask permission to your uncle Asahi to go over the streets of Tokyo and Osaka just to buy a rice cake? I know, it was so childish of us to ask lots of money for us to waste and spend lots of them so that when we go home, we'll just simply tell them that we visited our friend Sakura to meet her, when in reality we just escaped and tricked them in the earliest days of our lives just to play football in the muddy pods of rice field outside until dusk. 

Then when we were on our third year in junior high, you immediately ran up to me and said that you got passed at a prestigious university in the US, leaving a trance of hope for me to simmer and just accidentally accepted your fate, even though i desperately pleaded deep inside that i don't want you to let go. 

Kenji, i don't know how to feel at this rate. My heart thumps loudly as you held onto my hand as if you were grasping a book firmly that your teacher told you to read. You told me that it'll be alright, assuring that i had to pretend everything's clear and fine - deep down inside, you had already made a firm decision to leave right before my very own eyes as i was about to speak, but still ended up stammering by your choice of words.

As you were packing and gathering up all of your things, making sure that you never missed nor skipped everything that you had packed on your bag, i walked up to you and didn't say anything. 

You just stood there, waiting to see who's going to respond and who's going to utter the final blow within our clogged mouths and perched lips. When i was about to leave, you cleared your throat and said those words that i never wanted to hear. 

"I'm leaving for Minnesota, Aoi. I got accepted there as their student! i hope you'll be proud of me. Sooner or later, we will see each other in spring time." 

I felt a huge wave of tension around me as i heave at thought of you leaving. Nevertheless, i just smiled and stared at your two-year older face as i waved goodbye. 

"I hope you'll be able to come and visit me when the time comes, Aoi, I won't dare to say goodbye! I'll see you on spring time." You said as you waited for me to speak, but i was too stunned to utter a word so i left myself agape at the sound of your voice. 

When spring comes and flowers bloom, just stay until then and wait a little more.

And without any feeling of trance, i left without blinking back at you leaving before me. 

-- Tanaka, Aoi (date of end note: 091294)