Don't Fear the Reaper

Magnetic Deviation

I sighed before gathering my supplies, I hoped Crystal would let this whole thing go. But I knew that was asking her for too much, she was a woman who liked to discuss every small inconvenience so it only made sense that she would want me to let her in on the situation. It was my fault that we failed that mission. I knew she wouldn't want to be dragged down with me. I knew there was more to uncover from my experiences in Bosnia. The PTSD affected me every now and then but this time it was coming back with a vengeance. I closed my eyes just sitting in the cockpit listening to the airplanes that were coming and going from the base.

"You want me to wait for you?" Crystal asked inquisitively.

"No, it's alright," I told her, hoping she would give me some space for a while.

"I'll wait, I don't want Maverick to give you shit if he's out there." What she was saying made sense and this is exactly what made her a good friend. She knew when to protect my feelings and when to stop prying. I took my time putting the charts, pens, and other necessities back into my flight bag. But before I did anything else I made sure to cover my eyes with my sunglasses in case I did run into anyone on the tarmac. Chances were that Maverick and Goose were waiting to get yelled at by Jester. Which was a good thing, because I couldn't deal with Maverick right now, and Goose by default. I did have an urge to see him though, to be comforted by someone other than Crystal.

"Alright let's go," I told her, breaking my thoughts off before I could spiral back. I climbed out of the aircraft and planted my feet on the tarmac. Looking around cautiously, I attempted to act normal. I waited for Crystal to catch up, adjusting my posture to appear confident because these men would never let it go if they saw us show even an ounce of vulnerability. It was better to act as if nothing phased us, compartmentalization had become an impressive skill for both of us. While I was trying to stuff my feelings down into my boots, Crystal was radiating a fierce aura. I always enjoyed seeing this side of her, it was a rare moment. I walked towards the locker room with my chin up. I wanted nothing more than to pull my hair out of the bun it was trapped in.

I pushed the door open to the locker room gravitating to my own locker, putting my flight bag inside along with my helmet. Before I shut my locker, I grabbed some extra underclothes I had to change into after my shower. It was always a good idea to carry extra for changing after a flight if you were needed by command for something else. I closed the locker door and put my T-shirt, underwear, and shorts on the bench. I then sat down pulling off my sunglasses and starting to unravel my hair. I pulled the bobby pins out one at a time and unraveled the braid I had put it in, finally pulling the hair tie out. I let my hair fall around my face and ran my fingers through it scratching my scalp as I did it. I sighed, putting my head in my hands, closing my eyes, and taking some deep regulated breaths. I heard the bench squeak as Crystal sat next to me.

"Alright, do you want to talk about it? Or do you want to do this later?" She asked me.

"No," I replied hoping the short answer would cover both of her questions. I felt the tears threatening to pour out as I busied myself with trying to take off the Ace bandage that was wrapped around my hand and wrist protecting my knuckle. I sucked the air through my teeth as it started peeling the skin off from around the wound. It easily took off the bandaid that Maverick had patched me up with the night prior. I threw it in the trash reminding myself to grab another later as this one had been soaked with blood. The skin underneath the bandage had become saturated and the Ace bandage had marked up the skin from being too tight, the wound needed to air out. I looked at the deep cut, the skin curling up at the ends, purple bruises encircling it. I wasn't looking forward to the nasty scar it would leave behind.

"Okay, that's fine." She said as she got back up, interrupting my thoughts. I sat for a second waiting for her to jump in her shower. As I heard the water start running I got up trudging over to a separate shower on the other side of the room and turned it on waiting for it to get hot. I stripped out of my flight uniform and underclothes. As I waited for the water to warm up I distractedly played with the chain around my neck. It held my dog tags, one of Jax's, and another precious object that he had given me. I stepped into the shower as it reached the temperature I had wanted it to get to. I felt the scalding water flow over me, I turned around to get my back, finding the generic soap that was kept in the showers. I grabbed some shampoo, poured a glob of it in my hand, and scrubbed it through my hair massaging my scalp as I did so. The soap stung my hand briefly, but eventually, my body got used to it. I reminded myself that this was good, it was acting as an antiseptic for now. The water felt amazing as I washed the soap out of my hair.