coffee on lexington avenue | phillipa soo

twenty-six

I was still thinking about leaving when Evie walks back in through our front door.

She's clearly been in a rush, her eyes a little wide with panic, as if she had known just what I'd been planning and had tried to speed right home to stop me. I wasn't sure if I was disappointed or relieved to see her there.

"Hi, my love," She says, sounding a little frantic to see that she'd found me standing right by the door, minutes away from stepping out of this house for good. Still her eyes are filled with worry, concern, and the ever familiar love. "Where were you going?"

"Nowhere. I was just checking the door." I lie, not looking at her.

"Alright," She says, though I know she doesn't quite believe me. She moves toward me cautiously. Carefully, she reaches her warm hands out to rest them over my cheeks, gently coaxing me to lift my head so I'm looking up at her. "How are you feeling? Better?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." I say, my chest burning with the guilt of even just thinking about leaving my sweet Evie.

"You're sure?" She confirms anxiously, though I wasn't sure if she was still asking of my physical state or my mental one, trying to confirm if I was still thinking about leaving.

"I'm sure."

To my surprise, her eyes fill with tears. She looked small again right then, desperate, helpless. "Please stop lying to me."

"Oh, Evie," I say, my heart falling. "I wasnt-"

"I'm not stupid- I know you were thinking about leaving again." She finally says, always two steps ahead of me.

"No. I was just-"

She shakes her head, not wanting to hear me lie again. "Don't leave me, Pippa."

My heart breaks when her lower lip trembles, the tears finally falling in slow trickles down her cheeks. I still couldn't do it, I couldn't say no to her. I still didn't have that strength. "I wont, honey. I won't leave." I say, reaching out now to hold her, press her body close to mine, just desperate to comfort her, to ease the pain I was causing her.

"Promise me you'll stay."

A lump forms in my throat. The words come out choked. "I promise."

She's so upset that all I can do is guide her back to bed with me, where she cries herself back to sleep with her head on my chest, her body pressed close to mine.

We spend the rest of the day like this, cuddled close together, Evie falling in and out of sleep, the constant napping seeming to replenish all the energy these last few days had taken out of her. We don't rise even to have some lunch.

I still think constantly about leaving.

But feeling how Evie's tears had pressed into my chest as she'd coaxed herself to sleep- feeling how she still clutched tightly at me even as she slept right then... If this was the hurt I'd cause her by just thinking about leaving, how much more would I hurt her if she awoke without me here waiting for her?

I realize, I couldn't quite do that to her, at least, not yet.

I think about the desperation in Evie's eyes when she'd asked me earlier if I would stay, the way she'd fought to forgive me, fix things with me, regardless of how badly I'd fucked up- all proof of how badly she wanted, needed me with her- I couldn't leave.

And so, distracting myself from the temptation of walking out her door for good, I force myself to sleep as well, though I can only get an hour in at most, constantly being risen by changing nightmares- A child with dark hair and blue eyes that glared at me with hatred. Steve returning to get his hands on Olivia, on Evie, just to get back at me. Me walking alone at night in the middle of the city, every shadow in every corner looking like a man with a raised fist, following me.