Manic Diary

How could i feel alone when im not alone?

It's a question that's been lingering in the back of my mind and it took me today to see it.

I hate thinking too much into things and discovering the truth. Things begin to click but it's so sad to see the truth.

I have friends, I have family, I have my dream car, my dream room, money. Why am I not happy?

You probably read that and think "yea why aren't you happy? You're living the dream life." Well you know, you may see some people having fun with friends always happy and smiling, but deep down do you think they're actually happy? Could their life really be rainbows and unicorns? You never really think about how they could really feel on the inside, you just see what happens on the outside.

People may look at me and think I'm living the dream life, and yes I am I love my life, but in the inside... I feel miserable. Everyday 24/7 I'm bottling up my emotions and release them onto a sheet of paper of a notebook that's about to run out of space. I feel so alone despite the friends and family I have around me.

I have friends but I don't trust any of them. I have family but they won't understand my feelings.

Im constantly having a battle with myself inside my head. I don't know what to do how to do it and when I should do it.

I've been feeling more internally distant from my best friend. On the outside I don't show it but on the inside I don't trust her anymore. I've started to realize that she's fake.

I think she's one of those pathological liars who just lies for no reason. Like when I start liking something she immediately starts liking it to, and a lot of times when I say something she just heavily agrees. I used to think we had so much in common but now I feel like it's just all been one big lie. Another thing she's done is says she found a guy that looked like gojo on instagram, I was like omg show me and she said she'd show me the next day because she'd have to find him again, well it's the next day and I ask her about him and she says he's in college but doesn't know what college even though she found him through one of the sports pages. But then when I asked her to show me she said her instagram wouldn't load, like my phones loading fine and it almost never loads, and that guy was never talked about again.

It's very suspicious and ever since then, I've been noticing more things and putting pieces together from the past.

All of my other friends have their own little friend groups and they're not really close friends with me anyways so it'd be kind of weird to just randomly latch onto them and be besties all of a sudden.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I wish I had someone that'd love me and be loyal.

I wish I had someone that could comfort me when I'm down such as times like now.

I wish I had someone that would answer my texts as soon as I send them a message.

I wish I had someone that would be honest to me, and give me an honest opinion, not what they think I'd like to hear.

I wish I wasn't mentally abused for the past 17 years of my life.

There's so much I wish for, even though I'm living the dream life some could consider.

How do I fix this problem of mine? Coming to realize I've really been alone this whole time just destroys me.

How do I get away from being alone. I'm exhausted of constantly running away from people who treat me bad. Have I ever had a true friend? Why are people so fake? Am I the main character and everyone's just fake? I really hate this show. Can we please get some character development. This main character needs friends, she needs someone that'll love her, people around her that treat her right. Why me. Why didn't I get the school experience I've dreamed of, why did I realize it now that it was all a fake show.

I graduate in two months. I've always looked forward to having a high school romance. Walking to class with each other. Walking to our cars and grabbing something to eat. Talking about crazy things that happened at school.

Why did I never get to experience the things I've been looking forward to ever since I was young.

Ever since intermediate school, when I saw people start getting into relationships, people showing love for each other. I've always been so jealous and wanted someone to feel any kind of love for me.

I've been asking myself "what's my love language?" Everyone has one that they choose, but I love all love languages. Both giving and receiving. I just want to be loved, I don't care how, I just want to be cared for and feel that someone does involuntarily love me.

When will someone love me. My generation is filled with liars and cheaters who think it's cool to be nonchalant and not care. How did things turn out like this. I'm such a fool. Falling for guys I knew were bad news, but doing it anyway because I'm bored with my life, I think it'll make me feel less alone, except it makes me feel even more alone waiting for a response.

I hold in more feelings when talking with someone. Which I never let these feelings out.

I blocked everyone. If anyone asked I'll tell them I deleted my account.

I want to isolate myself from everyone. But either way I'll feel the same.